A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a girl a few short months ago, and I was drawn to her immediately. She came to the country on her own far from family and friends, and although she was sociable and cheerful I can sense she was someone who was lonely in a crowd. I was unable to find an opportunity to approach her first, but from those around her, I gathered hints of her sadness, and a freshly wounded heart. Somehow that made me want to connect with her more, to find out more, perhaps to help her find happiness again.Yet I kept my distance. During the new year she returned home, to visit friends and loved ones, and from what I heard from hushed whispers, to find closure. I waited for her, and after a short week she returned from a harsh winter of the north to the warm, bright summer down under.I saw her again at a mutual friend's farewell dinner. She was late, as always, and after her friends rang her up to find out where she was, somehow she called me. She told me she was lost and whether I could meet her and show her the right way. I found her waiting for me on the street corner, with a fresh hair style and light lip stick. It was the most beautiful I have ever seen her.After the meal she invited everyone to come to her place to watch the tennis on tv, but only I took her up on the offer. We sat on her couch together and watched the match late into the night. It was the first time I got to really talk to her. We had a great time.Since that night we grew closer. She invited me to gatherings with her friends. I always watched out for her whenever we were together. During one night she choked on some water, her dozen or so friends sat by watching her cough it up while I patted her and fetched her tissues. One day she missed a BBQ we were planning to go together, so I ferreted some food away and brought it to her home while she woke up after a late night.We met together alone a few times. We visited an art gallery, strolled through a craft market, and sat by the harbour for hours. We watched the people around us going about their day, and we shared few words between us. I can see her smiling peacefully to herself as she sat next me. She was the only girl I know who is able to appreciate the peace of silence.Sometimes, when I give her lifts, I would catch her looking at me without a word. She tells me that she gets carsick easily but she is comfortable in my car. She would tell me that I am different. She would tell me she often had trouble sleeping, but after hearing my voice during the day she could sleep easily at night. She would tell me that whenever she is with me she feels calm and peaceful, that all the calamity in her mind would somehow be silenced.Through it all, I always sensed that we could not be together. She had mentioned to me that she is considering a job offer back home, which was something she had always wanted. I felt some sadness at first, but I did not hold back my affections for her. I wanted her to feel cared for, no matter how short she might be next to me.After a few short weeks the day I have been dreading arrived. She told me she would be leaving to take up the job offer, possibly never to return again. We met up with friends for dinner and a show that night, but my mind was racing through it all.I met her the next evening on a park bench not far from her apartment. She told me she had hoped to settle down with the man she loved and lead a new life together in this country. Yet after she had arrived, he abandoned her, remained behind and married another. She was devastated, and she told me till this day she felt immune to love. She wished to focus on her career, to help her forget and to heal, which is why she must return. I agreed that it was the right choice, yet sometime during the conversation I told her that I had feelings for her, but that didn't matter anymore because she would be gone. I accepted that I could only love her as a friend. She told me she was grateful for all the kindness I have shown her. As we said goodbye, I hugged her. I could feel her melt into me as I held her and kissed her on her forehead. But that moment was all too brief.That night I chatted with her again online. She told me she would miss me, and that she still would want to spend time together as before. I told her I would not treat her any differently, and that I was happy for her.The next day however I received an email from her. She suggested we should not see each other for a while. She told me after some consideration she was uncomfortable with how close we have become, because she could not return the affection I have given her. She wishes for me to spend sometime alone, to forget, to get over her, and then we can be just friends. She told me she had always saw me just as a friend, and that my feelings for her was just a crush which would fade away quickly. She promised to let me contact her when I am over her, and that she would tell me once she had a firm date of departure. That was the last time we spoke.And here I am, wondering about it all. Why was I looking for something when I knew it wouldn't last? Was I really just following a silly crush? Yet what is bothering me now is not that she would leave. I just can't help but wonder how she truly felt about me. She tells me I am being much nicer to her than a friend would, yet she never pushed me away until now. Is she putting on a brave and cold face to protect us from hurt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo FierceBadRabbit
Thanks for reading the whole thing. What was I thinking writing so much? Then again it was good to let it off my chest.
Thank you for your advice. Although I think you misunderstood some of the details, I agree I should not try to think too much about it all. The quicker I can do this, the quicker we can rebuild our friendship.
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