A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I just got out of an abusive relationship and I am consumed with lots of mixed emotions and I'm just looking for some guidance and advice. Above all I want to understand why I still have feelings for him. He is acting so nonchalant about the break up and about everything that has happened recently and it kills me because I want him to be sorry or resentful or anything. But he is silent and has moved on like nothing while I am still carrying the brunt of the shock and pain of what has happened. Let me explain. When we first met everything was so cool. He claimed to be very inlove with me and even though everything moved forward pretty fast, it felt right at the moment. The first signs he showed were of jealousy and possessiveness. He claimed that he didn't like my friends. I didn't really care what he thought about my friends though. I just ignored him. Then he just became super jealous. Looking through my phone. I thought the phone was a one time incident, found it weird but ignored it. Then he would try to control me. Tell me what to wear, claiming that I should want to look good for him. If I stayed at his house he would control my every move. He had a plan for how everything had to be and if I didn't follow that plan he would get mad and chew me out. Basically, his behavior progressively got more threatening and much more violent as time went on. One time he was trying to shut me up during an argument and he tried to put a pillow over my face and I was kicking and screaming so hard that it scared him so much that he stopped out of fear. And I said to him "you tried to kill me!" And in all seriousness he responded, "I wouldn't do that. What would I do with your body? With the technology today I would be caught so quickly." I literally got CHILLS when he said that. No normal person would say that. It was so incredible that I was in denial. But I stayed with him. Then he hit me for the first time. We were arguing and he smacked me three times in the car the night before he went on a trip for a month. Even though I was sad that he left I was happy because I knew it would give me an opportunity to get over him and try to move on. But we kept in touch the whole time he was away. And the first place he hit up when he got back was my house. He is very pushy. I guess a part of me still wanted to be with him as I got back in the relationship. But when he got back from his trip his behavior was worse than ever. He became verbally abusive which he had NEVER been like before. He became especially critical of my body, saying that I am not all that pretty, that I need to work out, that I have no muscle definition, that he is having problems getting turned on by me. That I always look like shit. (None of which is true at all.) And a few weeks later we got in an argument, I walked away angry and he ran after me, pushed me with full force onto a staircase, and started banging my head on the stairs. At one point I saw black and white flashes cause I almost passed out from the impacts. After that I had bruises all over my arms, my back, my legs, and I had a black eye for a week. I know I let my mouth run sometimes but there is no excuse for hitting a woman. None whatsoever. A guy can just block his ears, or go out with his friends or break up with the girl if he doesn't feel happy. But resorting to violence? That's insane. Anyways, my friend knew what had been going on and after not hearing from me for a week she got worried and called my family and told them everything she knew about this guy. I hadn't told them myself because I was embarrassed to be in that situation and I didn't want them to worry which I knew they would. But I am so thankful she did cause he is out of the picture now. I think she saved my life.He is a complete psycho, I get flashbacks of how he treated me and the abuse he put me through and it makes me so angry I want to break something over his head and I'm thankful he is out of my life. Yet at the same time when I think of him being with another girl, or moving on without any remorse or empathy for me it makes me feel sad and like I was used. Just coping with these mixed feelings and wanted some advice on why I feel this way.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr Castillo +, writes (31 August 2009):
Let GO. He's too set in his ways, and I will tell you from experience because I was set on my ways too. If he's non chalant about the ending of the relationship, he isn't worth it. I have damaged my wife as well, and now I am crying over what I have done to her more than her leaving me. I lost my soul mate over this cycle of abuse that has been passed on. Let him go, you are in denial. Love conquers all.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 August 2009):
Wow, first of all, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds very traumatic.
Im not going to pretend I know exactly how you feel, but I can relate as I have been in abusive relationships before.
I know you probably already know this, but I know it helps to hear sometimes- you deserve so much better then this guy and I am glad it is over. You did not deserve any of what he did. Never think that you caused it, dont blame yourself. It is all to do with him!
So why do you still have feelings for him? Its called Stockholm syndrome. Google it to find out more or visit http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167
Basically, the theory is about how when a person is capturerd, the victim begins to bond with the person who capturerd them, as a way of survival. IN some ways they build a relationship with them. And therefore when they are finally let free, they often stick up for and defend the person who held them against their will all that time. Thats the basic underlying theory of it, but that website explains it in relation to an abusive relationship. You should read it, it will help you understand how you feel.
Its perfectly normal, I went through that too. But you do move on. I found counselling helps and I would recomend it to you. What you went through was a huge ordeal and it will help by talking to a counsellor. Even friends and family will help, but a counsellor will be able to understand alot better, especially if your friends or family havent been through this before.
Take care and if you need to chat, message me
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