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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone, just hoping for a bit of advice. My mum has just started the menopause and now is saying that she wants my dad to move out. They have been together for over 30 years and while I admit they have had their ups and downs, I have never seen her so serious about wanting it to end. My dad was ill a few years ago so he no longer works, which is obviously a strain for my mum. He can be a bit selfish, and generally leaves a lot to her and does bare minimum for things like her birthday, Christmas etc. She said she has told him she is not happy and he said he can't change how he is. I don't live with them as I'm older, but my sister is there all the time and she's only in her early teens so it's hard for her too. I feel guilty but since my mum opened up, I've avoided going home. I love my family very much, and although I don't blame my mum and I know my dad has faults, I still love him too and just find it too painful to watch it fall apart :( any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): Thank you for all the advice and kind words x
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 This must be so very hard for you.
Your Mum and Dad have been married a long time and it's a shame they can't work this through with counselling, however, for that to work both parties have to want to repair the marriage and sometimes, when a relationship is that broken, it can't be fixed or no-one wants to fix it.
I can understand you not wanting to go home to visit but your family need you and you need them.
Just because your parents no longer wish to be together does not reflect on how they feel about you.
They will always be Mum and Dad they will just live in different homes.
Your Dad has been unwell and that is hard for him, your Mum has been neglected and taken for granted and that's hard too. Your Dad has clearly taken your Mum for granted and she's had enough of it. Your Dad knows how she feels but is not prepared to fight for her or try to make things right.
As hard as this is for you, you will just have to accept that they no longer wish to be together.
The marriage may have failed but they haven't failed as your parents.
Be there to support both of them and your little sister. It will be strange adjusting to the new set up but it will soon become normality and as you see both your parents recover and see them happy I'm sure you feel happier too.
They won't be together as a couple anymore but they will always be there as your parents to love and support you and share in the joys and sorrows in your life.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I don't know how YOU are feeling... but I know the upheaval and loss from being a child of divorce.It sounds like your dad took your mum for granted, and I would be really angry in your mum's shoes!I guess that the final decision is up to your mum but you COULD seek out counselling and urge your parents to accompany you. I have been on this planet a little while and I have learned that most relationships that end, come to an end because of lack of communication. I am certainly NOT blaming your mum, just saying maybe that is a contributing factor. Your mum will be the one to decide this, but maybe if your parents sought counselling they would regret splitting up and try to reconcile. I'm not trying to give you false hope, I'm just saying that it's a suggestion.Hang in there. As horrible as this sounds, sometimes it's a relief after the divorce is over and we look back and say that it was a necessary evil.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): You and your sister are old enough to understand how unhappy your mother has been.
You've witnessed how your father has neglected her through the years; but you were not living life in her shoes. She had to take care of two daughters and forfeit her own happiness to keep the family united.
That's a huge emotional sacrifice. So she deserves the support of her daughters. It was a hard decision that she put off far too long.
They are still your parents, they'll simply have separate lives from now on. Your relationship to your father doesn't have to change, he's not divorcing his children.
What's the point of two people living together when there's nothing good between them? Your mother has decided it's better to let that man go after years of a empty marriage. She at least has two devoted daughters out of it; and she can now move on and find her own happiness.
Help your sister to deal with it, and make this transition in your mother's life as easy as possible. She has been through a lot to bring her to this decision so late in her life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I think you mom have decided that 30 years of "this" is enough - so listen to her and be there for her if you can.
Doesn't your mom deserve some happiness? Even if it means NOT with your dad? After all she gave him 30 years and he gave HER 30 years.
You think your Dad is happy? Or just sticking around because it's all he knows?
They both deserve to try and find their slice of happiness. And if your Mom needs to be by herself, then I think she has EARNED it.
I know it's hard to watch, because we think people having been married that long have made it that FAR they can make it further. For all you know your Mom has wanted to leave for 20 years, but stayed due to kids, sense of obligation, fear of new things, the list goes on.
Support them both as best as you can.
THEY are still your family. Always will be. Wish them both well.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 September 2013):
 It's such a sad time when a long married couple decide to split up and it can be very rough on the kids. I divorced after 19 years and I still have nightmares about how it affected my daughters...but there was no way that it wasn't going to happen and I saw it as a process and tried to limit the impact by not asking my kids to take sides.
Of course you love your parents equally and you will still love them the same after they have split.
Sometimes it's best to take a step back and leave them to it. You can keep an eye on your younger sister and maybe reassure her that what is happening is no reflection on you two girls.
You are going to see your parents in a new light, you may even witness some pretty crazy, unreasonable behaviour as things unravel.
My youngest daughter blamed me when I split with her dad, it bordered on abuse the way she would speak to me, but she was still young and now she's older she can see and understand why we split (and even asked me why we didn't split sooner)
There are tough times ahead, remember your parents are not just parents...they are people too, and prone to emotional suffering and outbursts and the need to liberation and understanding.
When and if they do divorce, things will eventually settle down again and they will find new paths. All you have to be is a good daughter and an even greater big sister!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't take sides, just be as neutral as you can and be there for your sibling.
Good luck xxx
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