A
male
age
41-50,
*lBubba
writes:Alright, since my last question turned into a "what are you doing?" response page...I'll add more to my question.My wife and I have two sets of twins (11 yo girls, 7 yo boys) and we nearly have a sexless mariagge.She and I met when I was stationed in Maine (that's where she's from) and she already had the girls at this time.I was in the Navy for 12 years prior to having two back surgeries and getting a medical retirement because I was unfit for duty, and since I have been discharged, I've had another back surgery.She and I both work full-time jobs, and I do help out around the house when she lets me. Before my back surgeries, she wouldn't let me help out around the house because my way of doing things wasn't her way of doing them.If I stand for more than five minutes at a time my back begins to have spasms and I need to take muscle relaxers and heavy pain meds. Sometimes I can stand a little longer, though.She gets the girls ready in the morning as they leave for school earlier than the boys, and I get the boys ready for school and get them off to the bus before I go to work.She allows me to do the laundry because I can get up, switch the laundry over to the drier, put a new load in the washer and carry the basket to some place that I can sit and fold it. If I try to do too much more of the chores she tells me to stop. So, I'm not being a deadbeat, as a lot of people like to jump to a conclusion of.I bought her the house that she found and wanted (I'm ok with it...I can live anywhere). I take the kids away as much as my back will allow, which at a minimum is once a weekend for at least two hours. When I'm done with that, I normally am ready for some pain meds, but like I've said to her before, if I wait until I'm not in pain to do something I'll never do anything.On the weekends I mow our nearly 1/2 acre lawn, and even though it's on a riding lawn mower I still have my back jarred around and again need to take pain meds that put me in a fog.The kids go to bed about 8:30 and that's when she and I watch a TV show in our room (we're watching the "Dexter" series right now) and spend some time just she and I.She and I do get out and go places, just the two of us, when we can afford it. We've spent weekends away a few times, since we're now in a place that we have people who can watch the kids for a weekend (couldn't do that in the Navy).She normally is asleep by 9:45, and I'm normally laying in bed away until 11:30ish.She and I wake about 6 am and it all starts over.I don't ask her for sex, because I know it would lead nowhere. And, if I've had my pain meds, I can get ready for sex, but I can't finish when we have tried after my first back surgery (yes, I even wanted sex a couple of days after I had my back sawed open and the muscles in my back torn from my spine).I do also have siatica (sp?) (pain running down my leg) at all times, and I have had muscle atrophy and weakness in my left leg, making it hard to walk around for any extended time.Now, given all this, I still would love sex every night (even when it would get me nowhere) and I feel guilty about that. How do I cope with this?Hopefully this will yeild some better answers than "Help out around the house and see what happens".
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discharge, muscle, navy, ready for sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Sorry I mentioned it.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 April 2012):
 When people give that as a response they don't mean she's withholding sex as punishment, they mean it's just very tiring to have to do all the housework and childcare and so having to think about sex can often just feel like another chore piled on. They/we don't mean she's punishing him for not participating, it's just that when you're essentially working 2 jobs, there isn't time or energy to be thinking about things like that.
The only way for that to be fixed is for there to not be things thought of as women's work or men's work because it always works out to be that women's work is the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks. Women "nag" because men don't do their fair share most of the time. Women still do on average 2x the house work and 2-3x the childcare and then get socially reprimanded when they try to fix the situation by being labelled as nags or bitches.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Hello,Just a thought if you dont iniate sex, then your wife may think you are the one who doesnt want too because you have a disability and if she tried she may think it will hurt you!You need to talk to her and get this out in the open. It sounds like there is alot of commitment and love from both of you so why can you not talk about your lack of sex. Women have needs too. Do you both still kiss and cuddle, basic things like this let us women know that our men still love and are attracted to us. If you dont kiss, then why. All of us need those intimate touches regardless of age and how long we have been together.Simple holding hands while out walking brings you close and shows people and to your self that you are together.Try going back to basics and see how it goes.Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 April 2012):
Person 12345
Thanks for replying. I will further clarify. It is not doing housework that is unmanly. I am in favor of men doing Housework, especially the gross chores like scrubbing toilets. There are some other chores that are traditionally the mens realm. Polishing the woodwork, yard work, and trash hauling for example. I suppose there are others that vary by region or even by couple. For example for some reason my wife just hates folding laundry. So it's mine. I like to cook, but we split that one and the kids cook too. Anyway most household chores can be done by a man with out unmanning him. Especially if he does them without nagging as an act of service to those he loves. And, that leads us to the real answer about what makes us men look weak, unmanly, and unattractive.
It is giving in to nagging. The minute a man does that, the nagging spouse knows that she has power over him, she loses respect for him, her attraction to him evaporates.
That is why I don't support the help out more around the house answer. Not that I don't believe that helping around the house leads to happy marriages, but because if a woman says that she is withholding sex or affection because the man doesn't help with chores, it is too late for that to help. He will never be able, by doing more chores, to win back that attraction. He will have to do it another way.
This is a complex interaction that most women don't understand, don't believe, and will strongly fight against. Divorced men generally understand it too late. I think this is a good time for Bubba to start thinking about this.
FA
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 April 2012):
For anyone just reading the other question is here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-tired-of-feeling-guilty-for-wanting-sex.html
I agree, if you have the money, hire a maid and pay for more childcare (after school programs and such). The less work there is for her, the more likely she is to have energy. I responded to your previous question that rather than going and having a wank, you should try masturbating together at least sometimes. It has the same end result and is just as quick, but you are involved in each other's sex lives that way.
You should also move the TV out of your bedroom. Couples with TVs in their bedrooms generally have less sex than those who don't (you can google the stats if you want to read the articles about it). Instead of watching Dexter, why not give each other massages and cuddle and kiss and such? It is a) a great way to unwind after a long day, and b) has a chance of getting her in the mood. Watching TV can be a good way to relax, but it's not a good way to have you and her time. Being together just you and her without other characters and distractions is the best way to have together time.
"If fact it makes us look week and unmanly which has the result of further lowering their attraction to us."
You know what's the unsexiest thing in the world? Scrubbing toilets and doing dishes while your partner sits on his butt watching TV. No one likes housework, but men need to do their share. They don't need to wear filly pink aprons while they do it, but it still needs to be done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): I completely agree with'fatherly advice' on this one. The reason for Alot of relationship problems tend to stem from or because of poor communication between couples. And im hardly surprised with 2 sets of twins to contend with!!!!Firstly have you tried actually initiating sex with your wife? It sounds stupid but she may even be laying there thinking the same as you! And because you dont make a move perhaps she wont make a move as shes assuming your in too much pain?Secondly you need to tell her how much you love her and that you would love it if you could try and redevelop a more physical relationship again. If your open and honest with her it may help to get things back on track as she may have no idea your feeling like this.You both sound like your exhausted. Its good that you try and find more time for eachother in the form of days out together but how about a night in together, get a take out/ take away so u dont have the stress about cooking, have a cuddle on the sofa watch a movie and really make an effort (im not implying you dont make an effort) but maybe u need to make your intensions clear without piling on the pressure.Lastly, your little girls are not so little any more , my mum (apart from checking on my apearance and that i had everythin i needed) stopped getting me ready for school at age 10.have you thought about giving them a small responsibility each that would help to take even the smallest amount of pressure away from you and your wife. For instance feeding the pets each day, cleaning their own bedrooms, making their own packed lunch for school/ making their own breakfast, helping eachother to get ready,using the vacuume cleaner in the living room ect. There is an endless list of things they could help with, obviously dont pile them with jobs their kids lol. Anyway i really hope i have helped a little x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 April 2012):
 First of all, *I LOVE DEXTER!* One of my all-time favorite TV series, and I wonder what Deb's gonna do now that she's "seen", you know?
ANYWAYS, I have a *fantastic* idea for you. Seriously, you might not have even considered this!
You are in pain, right? I read your last question, and it sounds like she's doing a ton of things, but you're laid up on pain meds to assist. You're also working full time, so by the time you get home, your vertebrae are making you scream.
SO -- you bought her her house, you were in the Navy for an extended period of time, and you both work. SO HIRE SOMEONE!
Part time maids, full time housekeepers, whatever you can afford, they can clean your house, do your laundry, all that stuff it's hard for you to do and that your wife is burnt-out from doing. She's feeling resentment right now that she has to carry the load, but feeling frustrated that you're physically impaired. This drops her desire for sex, and you both just get more and more upset.
So spend some good money and HIRE!!! It's not that terribly expensive, and housekeeping isn't just for the rich. The kids are making messes, and I don't know how clean and clutter-free you're keeping yourself, but I'm telling you this -- get someone to take the load off of her shoulders, and you'll go a very long way!
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (17 April 2012):
Okay so i have a few questions for you... Are you just wondering how to cope? Or would you like to try to intiate sex and for your wife to be into it? If you are looking to try to persuade your wife to have sex with you then i would suggest that you stimulate her first, orally or manually what ever she prefers or your back allows you. Then she may be in the mood. Or if she doesnt want sex, maybe she can give you oral? Have you expressed your needs to your wife? I know you both have a lot on your plate, but surely you can make time for once a week? I would also suggest seeing a sex therapist, but you mentioned you cant afford a lot although sometimes there are programs you can get for couples counselling. I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): The people who answer questions here don't know you and have never met you. We don't know the details of your specific situation unless you give them to us. If you post a question that does not include certain information it is fair to say that no one here is going to psychically detect it and factor it into their answer. Just saying. Like it or not, your last question DID make you sound lazy.
I will say also that your injury may be a perfectly valid reason why you can't do certain chores around the house, but it doesn't mean those chores cease to exist. Whatever you can't do, your wife has to accomplish on her own, and it still sounds to me like she has well more than 50 percent of the household workload. It's no one's fault, because you didn't choose to be injured, but you can't expect it not to be taking a toll on her.
That said, two things stand out to me about the new information you have decided to share with us.
1) You don't ask her for sex
2) You can't "finish" after your surgery even if you do have sex
I'm glad you're not pressuring your wife into having sex with you, but if you don't hint to her that you're interested she may assume you're not, or are too embarrassed to try after whatever obstacles you two encountered following your first surgery. If you're positive even getting sex "will lead nowhere" and you can't orgasm, what exactly are you looking to get from having it?
I think you need to discuss your interest in sex with your wife, and your current inability to perform with your doctor as (s)he may have some suggestions or potential treatments to offer you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 April 2012):
El Bubba,
I agree that the typical "help around the house answer is misguided advice. Women often say that the reason for lack of interest is seated in frustration with domestic chores. While that is true, experience has taught us that changing our ways in that area does not bring forgiveness or a change in attitude. If fact it makes us look week and unmanly which has the result of further lowering their attraction to us.
Considering your back trouble and frequent medication, your case is particularly difficult. We can't tell you to get more active and do more exercise, because you are physically unable. Also reducing your pain medication to make your sex life more productive is not a really great idea.
I believe the best course for you two is communication, compromise and scheduling. Frankly you are not able to have good sex as often as you would like. So you should schedule good sex on a regular basis. Just like you schedule weekend excursions with the kids. You need to have the whole day planned so that you can be in your best physical condition for the event. She needs to be committed to the event as well, and she should enjoy it and the anticipation of it. If she is interested in your happiness and in the success of the marriage she should be able to work with you on this.
FA
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A
female
reader, Taylaa.x  +, writes (17 April 2012):
You really do just need to communicate with her. There is no other way of letting her know how you are feeling. Take the time to sit her down and have a proper conversation about it, away from the kids, and at a decent time when she isn't busy, or tired from work. You really shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to have sex every night, you're only human, most of us crave sex too. I even expect your wife is, she just doesn't want to bring it up.
Dont just blurt out with it, like, we dont have sex anymore and i want some. You need to tell her that you don't feel close to her anymore, and that you want to feel as close as you once all those years ago. Obviously your medical conditions are a problem, but explain to her that you aren't an invalid and that you can still manage to get a quick half an hour session in every few days. Try surprosing her by getting a baby sitter one night when you know shes not working or hasnt got stuff to do. Cook her dinner and light some candles. Being romantic is definitely the way to go about this, as she probably feels like you have lost a lot of communication etc, and plus, what woman doesnt like to be romanced! I really hope this helped, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to message me, i'm always here to help. :D
Taylaa.x
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