A
female
age
30-35,
*Ax
writes:Hello,I need advice about my mother. She is very pessimistic person and it's getting me down. I want to do something about it, but i don't know what or what to say to her.For example, today she out of the blue said "you're hair is very greasy, you need to wash it". I am a hygienic person and have slipped up, so she doesn't need to remind me.Also, one time when i hadn't seen her in a while, the first thing she said to me after i walk through her door is "you've put on a bit of weight"...nice to see you too! Those seem like petty things, but when someone is like that constantly, and never says anything good, it all gets to you. The main thing that has been getting me down recently is her comments about my love life. If we ever talk about my boyfriend, she say things like " when you two break up". I tell her it's not 'when', it's 'if'. It's just so frustrating! She likes to keep reminding me that he could do this and do that but i tell her that it upsets me and they're very horrible things to say. I love my boyfriend and we're planning to move away and live together again. I've been in so many rubbish relationships, she should now by now that i've become a strong person. I've told her that she can be worried about me, tell me once kinda thing and that it's a very horrible thing to keep saying but it's obvious it just goes through one ear and out of the other. My mum has lived a very hard life. She's nailed into my head that you can't trust no one and only yourself. That people hurt you everywhere, at work...family etc.I can't and i don't want to live my life thinking the worst, as otherwise what kind of life is that? I feel like she is ruining my happiness.
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 I just realized you said that when she is nasty about your boyfriend you DO tell her that its a horrible thing to say and is upsetting to you.
I don't know, but MAYBE telling her its a horrible thing to say, just reinforces her propensity to criticize you - you're her daughter, and in a sense(unfair, I know) that makes you "fair game" because you're close to her. Whereas, if you simply let her know how upsetting her remark is, and then LEAVE for a while, she won't be defensive because there is no criticism; you're just informing her its hurtful. Hopefully, as I already mentioned, by then going away for a while, she can "absorb" what you said, and think about the effect her behavior had on you.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 May 2013):
I can understand how hurtful these sort of comments from your mother can be!
My mother is very "feisty"(always has been) but at 95 is a lot more frail and not able to "do" for herself, despite having caregivers come in four times a day. Fortunately she lives in England; I'm here in the U.S. I believe she means well - your Mother probably does also - I have had to learn NOT to argue with her when she says something unpleasant or completely uncalled for - and that has been difficult to do - but to either not respond, or to literally walk away.
Your mother has evidently been "programmed" by her circumstances throughout her life to be bitter and pessimistic.
Next time she says something hurtful, you might try simply saying "Mother when you say that it really hurts me. Now, I'm going out for a while, I'll see you later." And then leave.
I did that once with my Mother and when I came back an hour later after having gone to the guestroom in her retirement community to read for a while, check email, etc. went back upstairs, she actually said to me "I'm sorry I was a bit cross."
See, the point I'm making is this: by not answering her back, but just letting her know the effect her thoughtless criticism had on you, then leaving her alone for a time, she may realize that yes, indeed I hurt my daughter's feelings. It probably won't stop the comments altogether, but hopefully it will give her a chance to take a look at her behavior.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): I honestly believe your mum is not out to ruin your happiness.. Here what I did when my patents passed a comment I thought was tad impolite..Mum says to you' hey your hair is greasy ' reply ' yip going have to wash the mop, and laughingly add hey I love you too' When she says that everyone hurts you.. Give her a cuddle and whisper in her ear ' not everyone mamma, we love each other' I'm a mother and raising three kids and I get where she coming from .. I did a lot for my siblings as family was important to me.. But I was only important when I was single and could baby sit or before I had my kids.. I was truly used lol but hey life is a learning curve and you got to go with flow or drown in the crwap .. I hope to raise our kids with more values on that ( not that my parents didn't .. Had great parents miss them heaps ) Treasure the things you love as one day you won't be able to and you may find yourself wishing you had..Your mum just worried she will lose you., but if you let her know that wont happen , and let her know you care for her.. And you still have each other and that's what counts .. Not the quantity of people in your life but the quality of them .. Hope this helps ..
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