A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help coping with basically being disowned by my mother.My mother doesn't speak to me anymore now since I married a man she didn't approve of. In my opinion her reasons for disapproval were very petty and she refuses to meet my husband or even speak to him. Some of her reasons are: he has two kids (I have one), he is the "wrong" race (he is the same race as me-we are both biracial, but according to my Mom, two biracial people are not supposed to mix), he doesn't make enough money, and the list goes on)When I have had to speak with her or see her (my Dad and I are still on pretty decent terms) she is short, but mostly pleasant.What hurts the most is she refuses to also have anything to do with my son. She said she will only attend or be at events/functions if my husband is not there. She will only see my son if I am not with my husband.It hurts me a lot. My parents are both getting older too and I worry about how much time we have left. I don't understand why she is being so immature/stubborn about this and it's difficult to cope. It is also embarrassing to me. Her attitude is off putting, question raising, and of course hurts my husband and causes us to be a little off kilter.Any advice on what I can do if anything? Or even just feeling better/accepting something I can't change?
View related questions:
immature, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 September 2015):
 I have a friend who, according to his mother, married a wrong woman and the mother did not speak to his wife for years. Her list was absurd like yours: the woman was not the same religion, she was fat, he could have gotten a better looking woman, etc.
Anyway, her son did not budge and he worked hard with his wife to build up his bakery business. They have a great marriage and 4 kids, and their business has become a factory. Their marriage is success and they are a financial success, despite what her mother says.
The mother eventually capitulated and came to terms and my guess is because their outcome speaks for itself: it is totally opposite of what she claimed.
So my advice, given this experience, is to focus on your husband and him on you, and make sure your marriage shines, that it is loving and great, that your finances are orderly and that you thrive as a family. Keep in touch with your mother as much as you can, leave her prejudices to simmer in her and not in you, and wait for the day when she changes her mind on account of the greatness of your marriage and what it can do to your children.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2015):
 Why is your Dad allowing this to happen?? Are your parents still married? If I were in your situation, and I had one unreasonable parent and one reasonable parent, and they lived together, I would be leaning on the reasonable parent to strongly educate the unreasonable parent in the futility of their lack of reason.
However, if your dad is the kind of guy who gets pushed around by your mom, and I suspect that because this situation is still ongoing, he may try to protest you and/or your mom putting him in the middle of your dispute. In that case, if he pulls something like that, you need to be direct with him not to provide your mom with information on you. If she wants to know what you're up to, she can come to you and not use your father.
Your mom is being stupid. So you married someone she doesn't like. How immature is that? Unless your husband is an axe murder, or he abuses you, or he's been cruel to her, she is being an idiot. She has the nerve to invoke racial prejudice, when according to you, you're biracial?? How can she treat you with prejudice while trying to "protect" you from prejudice? That's warped and twisted thinking, oblivious of how she is hurting you more than anyone else on the outside.
In the meantime, you love your husband. You love your life. You love your child. If your mom is too much of a bitter coward to do what's right in this world, you overcome that by showing your child (and by extension, your husband's children) what true love and acceptance is. Resolve in the deepest part of your soul that the Hate. Stops. Here.
As hard as it may seem, do not fixate on your mom. I repeat, DO NOT FIXATE on her, the time you have left, NONE of that. Always look forward. Always look ahead. Always walk towards the light, or you will be doomed to repeat the ugliness, and you'll end up hurting your own children in the process.
You must BE the person you wish your mom was. Don't complain about her to your dad. Don't take that ugliness in. Don't accept her emotional blackmail. The "there's not much time" excuse has been used to manipulate too many adult children. Honestly? The one who doesn't have much time is your mom! I lost my father 2 years ago, and though I miss him every day, I *have* memories of him. We all must lose our parents one day in the natural order of things, and our children will one day lose us. Look toward your children, not backwards to ugliness. Your mom made her choice. Make sure she lives with it by not giving her what she wants in terms of being ashamed of your husband or kowtowing to her hatred. And tell your dad that if he loves his wife, he'll call her out on her behavior and her hate and her racism, or he'll have to live with her misery for as long as he's afraid to confront her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 September 2015):
 What a disappointing and hurtful situation. Have you thought about penning her a letter. She may not get past the first few sentences but human nature tells me otherwise. A heartfelt one not one full of anger and venom. Instead of pointing out you do this and you do that, outline how wonderful a person and relationship you have with your husband and extended family. you could add just how upsetting it is for your son and the negative impact that the situation is having on him and un necessary estrangement from her etc. Let her know that without her communicating with your husband is an unfair judgment on her part. Basically leaving it with the ball being in her court, until then you have to keep a healthy distance. If nothing comes of it then there is probably nothing more you can do at this point but at least you have got whatever it is off your chest.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): This is her loss. Not yours. I wouldn't want my child to interact with their grandmother if this is what she is like.
So tell her to keep her racist opinions to herself or she will not get to see her grandchildren.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2015): I feel very sorry for you and your husband and your siblings and your remaining family and his family,her husband your father but i don't feel sorry for her as she is creating all of this herself, the amount of people she is offending. Yet there is only one person hurting here in your mums eyes, herself but she creates it.
Very selfish of someone to act in this way and unfortunately there is not a great deal you can do about it. I would (not advising you to do the same)give her one more opportunity to accept your choice of husband or say goodbye completely, if she wants to spoil every family occasion and get together by been 'missing' then in my eyes she is a home wrecker and willing to let her selfish attitude effect future generations, grandchildren.
She may have good reason to not think he is right for you, i don't know him but i know she should try and respect your choice of husband and happiness.
And to say she has not even met him, sums up how wrong your mum is, yes time is always short on this planet so why do so many people screw it up? because they are selfish.
I do not like saying these words about your mother because she is your mother, and we should all respect that but this applies to all people, your mum is not respecting you or your husband or at least trying to.
Keep your distance if need be and only communicate with Dad.
...............................
|
