A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hiiim from traditional indian family where in marriages will be mostly arranged...and i was totally ok with what my parents suggest.. but from past 2 years im committed to a friend...now i wish to marry him... i cant accept anyone else as my life partner..its him or none in my life... i dont want to marry anyone else... if not married to him ... i dont want to marry and wd like to spend rest of my life for a social cause..but my parents are very traditional...my mother trusts me that i dont love anyone...and my dad is very strict..its a matter of prestige here ... how do i convince my mother not making her hurt abt my decision....how can i convince my strict dad...i cant leave my family as they mean a lott for me... i want all my family and relatives be there in my wedding..even the guy im interested is a vegetarian family even mine... but caste is different.. v r settled and v r very firm abt each other...dont know how to convince my parents without hurting them... dont know what to say my mom who trusts me blindly...i dont know how will they take it as it is a matter of prestige in our society...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 I am glad for you , then it can't be THAT much of a problem ! if 1) they are not strictly following the rules of caste system in its most rigid aspects 3 ) they would not feel they do anything bad by mingling socially with your new family 2 ) you are marryng up ( in India too people love upward social mobility, if religion does not interfere ).
They may be surprised and upset that you have being seeing someone behind their back for two years, but generally ... that's a tempest in a teapot, since they can't change what has already happened. And if you want to get married, you'll have to tell them at some point, so the more you wait, the more you are going behind their back, and they more they can feel upset .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): hii..
its nothing as my parents cant attnd marriage and al.. m parents will definitely attend my marriage...
and its nothing as v dont have food with other caste people ... i do share with all my friends and even my parents inite all people.....hmm thank u for the reply....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 December 2012):
Ah then,but if you are marrying "up ", in a superior caste, rather than down, then it's not just a matter of prestige or losing face, it is a matter of observing a very strict,uber- traditional Hinduism. I take it that your parents won't even EAT together with people from other castes, right ?... They would not even be able to attend your wedding.
I think that , rather than " convincing " them, you 'll have to do what you want, if you really love this man,- and expect, as well respect, your parent's shock and dismay over your choice. This is religion, it's not something rational. If Gandhi could not convince them that the chaste system is baloney, if the Indian Constitution, which abolishes castes !, could not convince them....
This is like for two old fashioned Catholics, having a daughter that refuses to get married to live in sin with a man- it's something that goes against every fiber of their being. Silly and ridicolous in our secular eyes, and a stab to the heart for a fervent believer.
Your parents won't stop loving you , you'll be their daughter regardless of what you do. And I think in time they 'll come around , if they know you are happy, and accept that what counts most is your happiness , even if it's a happiness lived out of their Hindu values.
But , as of now, don't try to explain them that yours is a good idea because of this and that, ... you can't debate intellectually in the face of religious dogmas. Just explain them that you don't have to believe in the same dogmas, and you actually don't , so you are going to build your happiness on different rules, but this does not change the immense love and gratitude you feel and you always will feel for them . Good luck .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): im supposed to live in guy's house after marriage... with his parents .i too like to be with in laws..... they r ok with us.... now i have to convince my parents...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): im d one who posted the question.... yaa guy is settled and he is upper caste than me....he is trust worthy to spend rest of my life....
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 December 2012):
Well if you want to make any kind of progress you will have to ask your mother and father about such things. I do not know if they will be happy or angry but if you explain your feelings and situation on why you have hid such a matter, maybe they will understand.
You have such an ultimatum in your life, "him or none at all" so it is worth the risk and effort to work it out with your parents. See where things go from there.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 December 2012):
You can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs.
And you can't expect to go against their wishes , and they to be happy and patting you on the back for having disobeyed them !
You already know you are supposed to marry in the same caste, otherwise in their eyes it's not even a marriage , but just immorality . But, if you are so firm and determined as you say, show it. Have your guy ask you in marriage, have him fight this battle for you . Your leverage is that , if they refuse him, you can tell them that you'll never marry anybody else and they can save themselves the trouble to arrange anything, because you will never consent ( As far as I know, still 80%-90% of marriages in India are arranged by the families, but very few are actually FORCED). I think that for your traditional family having on their hands a stubbornly spinster daughter would be the SAME big deal and loss of face than having her marry someone from a lower caste , or worse, so if you are firm, you do have a chance .
But, sure, you can't expect that you do what you want and they are overjoyed about it. You will have to choose what you care more about, having your parents' approval and avoiding at all costs arguments and scenes, or getting the man you want.
Btw, is he economically independent and financially stable ? could he support you , and kids if they come, right NOW ?... Otherwise ,no point in making big waves in your family... for something that cannot happen before long time.
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