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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How do I convince my girlfriend that I don't want to cheat on her? We've been together 4 years and in the past I have done things that caused her to lose trust in me. I lied and hid things to do with other girls, but they were all innocent, I just didn't tell her so she wouldn't worry... it totally backfired because eventually she found out about it all and now... she really doesn't trust me. The last lie I told, I finally came clean about in January of this year and we very nearly broke up. But we decided to try and make it work.Sometimes it seems like things are really getting better but I've noticed that ever since she found out all the truth she has really low self-esteem and a really hard time trusting me... she gets worried when I go places without her, thinking I might be flirting with other women... she thinks I'm comparing her to all the women on TV and movies even though I don't like them. I really regret all that I did (I never cheated though) and I really think she's the best woman for me. I'll never meet anyone who I'm more mentally or sexually compatible with. Even after over 4 years she still drives me wild in every way possible. I was young and stupid when I made my mistakes and I really have learned. But because I "fooled her for so long" (as she puts it) she fears that I might be fooling her again, so she's very paranoid and thinks she's very ugly and worthless and that I'm not attracted to her.I want to put her worries to rest once and for all so she never has to think I'm cheating or lying to her ever again. Is there any way to do this? I really want this to work out because I am thinking of proposing to her on our five year anniversary (which is early next summer)... and I want things to be better between us before we make such a big commitment.Thanks.
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male
reader, Mralldayerrday  +, writes (10 January 2010):
Start tellin her you love her more. (only if you actually do) make her feel more special than the other girls. Make her feel like she's the only one you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): I've had many problems like this in the past. Right now I'm dealing with starting to date a new girl, and I've done my best to be honest with her from the start about how I've cheated on previous girlfriends, in an effort to gain trust and perhaps to help me avoid stupid slip-ups in the future. It's hard, and clearly my situation is more exaggerated than yours, but I've read a lot about this stuff and been to therapy regarding how to gain/earn trust back after it's been lost, so even though this is a bit late of an answer, hopefully it'll help.First and foremost, although it might seem intrusive and weird, I've read a lot of articles that actually suggest allowing your significant other to do things like check your phone, glance through your e-mail, things like that, upon random request, for just awhile until she feels relaxed. I know this seems like something that we all discourage, which it is if there's been no distrust previously, but if you want to gain her trust back I honestly feel like that's the fastest way. If you're really not hiding anything, give her the option of doing those things, "checking up on you" every so often, for just a month or two, if that, until she clearly trusts you a little more. This won't solve everything but I know in the past this has helped me. As far as her insecurities go, honestly, that will probably take even longer to rebuild than her trust. Try to think back on the nice things you did for her near the beginning of your relationship, and do things like that again. Do special things for her every once in awhile without her asking, or without special occasion. It sounds cheesy, but it works. Show her you like her, don't just tell her, because telling isn't enough. Do things for her that you very clearly aren't willing to do for your other female friends, like buying her small gifts for no reason, picking flowers for her, getting her tickets to events she likes, making her things, whatever stuff she likes a lot-- and then don't do things like that for your other female friends. Show the difference, show what separates her from others. Telling her these things is never bad (unless of course you overdo it and make it seem suspicious, hehe), but you really have to work on acting out in good ways. Initiate physical intimacy, tell her she's pretty not just when you're in bed, let yourself get caught up in her again like you did at first. Hope that helped.
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A
male
reader, therelationship guru  +, writes (21 August 2008):
I would suggest being a bit more honest in the future.No more lies please as it really reflects badly on a person. Its OK to have female friends as long as this does not get in the way of your relationship with your girlfriend. As long as your girlfriend feels valued as the number one girl for you then she will have no reason to feel insecure or mistrusting. This will be built over time and as other posters have said Im sure you guys would have a happy successful marriage. Compromise and communication are words often said but not often used. If you are doing things that upset her she should be able to tell you and you should be able to listen and vice versa.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): hi i am currently in the same situation that your girl friend is in now.
my boyfirnd lied to me about silly things involving other girls, but has never actually cheated.
so i understand that your girl friend needs reasurance from you, constantly. she needs to know you do love her and that you are sorry.
how ever long this happened to you two, it will take a long time for you to correct your wrongs. but they will always be there in the back of her mind.
if you are completly in love with this girl and want to spend the rest of your life with her then i think its great you are going to propose. if she has stook by you for this long, and through all the bad stuff then no doubt she will say yes :)
i hope you get this sorted
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (21 August 2008):
 I'm sorry to say this, but this cannot be cured in one day.
I'm so glad that you have seen through your wrongs and that you have changed, but I completely understand why your gilfriend is like this and you should try to be more comprehensive too. It was your fault after all.
So you have to be patien about all of this. She has to build up her self-confidense and that's no easy work at all.
What you have to do is to tell her she's beautiful every day. Even when she just got out of bed. Be a wonderful boyfriend. When she asks you to do something, do it. Listen to her problems. Or just listen to what she says. When she needs you, be there for her. Be nice to her and treat her well. When you get into fights, calm down and try to calm her down. After the two of you are calmed, talk about the problem and try to solve it.
Also, it would help if you two talked in depth about your relationship. Also, it would be good if you talk in depth about the main troubles of your relationship (including what you did to her). I can tell you through experience that this helps cope with what happened. During these talks, pour your heart. Don't hesitate on telling your feelings, and encourage her to do so.
If you worry that she'll reject you when you ask her to marry you, don't worry, I highly doubt it, but I do understand why you wish for her to be in better terms. Now, I just hope that what you said was the truth and that you really learned from your stupid mistake. I hope you never commit them again.
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