A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice...especially from guys. I seem to always have problems with my boyfriend being jealous...I don't know if jealous guys are just attracted to me or if it is something I do or how I look. But it always happens.As usual, the beginning of the relationship goes really well and then a few months in he starts always wanting to know where I am, who I am with, am I talking to any other guys, etc. I always tell the truth, and I have never cheated. I do not communicate with my exes, and if any of them start trying to contact me, I tell them not to. I even started unfriending them on facebook. The only male friend I have is gay. Nothing to worry about.Maybe it's because my last 2 relationships were both long-distance and I should just not even bother with LDRs anymore. Maybe it's because I have a tendency to date men that have lived in other countries (the last 2, at least), and they think all women are loose and easy or act like the women on Sex and the City. But I do not.My best friend from college told me the other day that the more attractive a girl is, the more jealous/insecure her boyfriend will be. Is this pretty universal? I don't think I look like a supermodel, but I get enough attention to know I am a decent-looking girl. I am in really good shape, I eat a healthy diet and don't smoke or drink. People often think I am 6-8 years younger than I am. I've had random people in NYC ask me if I was into modeling. And an anonymous internet forum is the only place where I can admit this. Lol.So...guys...or girls if you have ideas too...how can I find a man who won't always think I'm going to leave him or cheat? I've tried all the usual things...showing lots of affection/attention, buying him little cards and gifts, texts, phone calls, cooking for him, having him meet my friends, the usual. I feel I am out of ideas for how to give a man reassurance. Maybe I've just had bad luck more than once.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionG's Girl & Cerberus,
Thank you very much for the sincere replies. You both seem like normal down-to-earth people in healthy relationships. So there is hope. Lol.
The signs of jealousy were definitely present early. And there was nothing cute or endearing about it. It's one of the biggest turn-offs ever.
I made the mistake of thinking I could help him deal with it, but the fact is he doesn't want to deal with it. He will be that way forever and will never be happy with anyone except a girl that doesn't go anywhere or do anything without him next to her the entire time.
I'm closing the door on LDRs and online dating for awhile...maybe forever. There is no need to drop my standards...the emotionally mature man I am looking for is out there.
Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): It's luck of the draw in the beginning OP, there's just no way of knowing whether a guy is a jealous freak or not but LDR's certainly don't help matters.
No it's not universal. If you're not already you just have to be far more intolerant of jealousy. I can't for the life of me figure out why women think it's a cute trait. What's cute about being interrogated, or pissing someone off just because you went out with your friends on a night out, or having to hear snidey little remarks disguised as jokes "did you meet any hot guys when you were out?"
Fuck that OP, there are plenty around but as soon as they show that side to them nip it in the bud, if they continue with it, dump them.
Look guys who are secure and trust you have no reason to be jealous in a way that they act or speak about it. The only acceptable form of jealousy is the same as the kind that you won 100 bucks on a scratch-card, the meaningless false sort of jealousy.
You've just been unlucky and perhaps a little too tolerant, jealous guys give some very subtle but noticeable clues as to their behaviour quite early. The jokes thing is a very blatant sign.
I'm not really the jealous type, in fact I like the fact that my girlfriend feels free to be desired by other guys because she'll never act on it and I like to show her off, I don't mind guys wanting what I have to a certain degree.
Look OP, guys online are either dogs or losers. I mean you date online because there's no one you're interested in close by right? Do you think the same would apply to us walking hard ons? They're quite simply creeps that girls locally already know about or they're messed up and find very few girls interested in them in real life because it's a lot easier to figure a person out when you're talking to them face-to-face, it's so easy to play the nice caring guy online, it takes no effort at all to sit there in your underwear eating crackers and scratching your balls.
Much better to date in person, his facial expressions when you talk about a night out coming up in a club with your girlfriends will tell you a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Hi Dorothy, and thank you for your answer. I am not in a relationship right now. I just ended one (at least I think it's over, he won't talk to me). This was a LDR; I met him online. He is a few states away but it's only a 6hr bus ride and we were seeing each other 1-2 times a month. Not ideal, but I was fine with it and I thought he was worth it.The previous one was the same situation, but we met and dated locally before I had to move away for school.I know it's a gamble, but there is absolutely no one I am interested in at school or in the small city that I live in now. And I've been here for 2 years. That's why I decided to try dating online.And I've never dated anyone that lives in another country now; what I mean is they were born in another country and are now living here, as American citizens. So I feel maybe their expectations of dating are different than mine, as they are still influenced by their native culture, but it doesn't become obvious until we've been together for awhile. I feel if they weren't into American women, then they wouldn't have approached me in the first place.Culturally, my family tends to behave a little more like Europeans than Americans. I get told this often. So maybe that's why foreign men are attracted to me. And I am attracted to them. I just want them to be clear with me what their expectations are from the beginning.
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A
female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Dear Anonymous,You asked us girls to give our ideas too, so here goes...I don't think it's about what you can do, or what you look like, or the affection you show, or buying him things, the usual - it's actually about the type of guy you are dating!You may have difficulty finding a man who won't always think you're going to leave him or cheat, but what you can find is:AN EMOTIONALLY MATURE MAN who has been in previous relationship(s) where he grew as an individual, or someone who has a good self esteem with confidence, or who reads up a lot and knows to give someone their freedom to let them thrive and be happy.Sure, the fact that you are model beautiful may play a role, after all, guy meets girl, they fall for each other, girl is amazing in every way, and guy realises the gem he has and begins to fear losing it, and hence, the jealousy comes out. However, my theory then comes about where if he is emotionally mature, he will realise that even though you ARE a gem, he can't control you, what he can do is stand by your side, be proud of who you are, be blessed to know you're together, and allow each other the scope to grow and thrive as individuals, so your relationship grows too. That is what you need. So yes, in the past you've probably just had bad luck in that department, but I'm sure in time you will meet someone who appreciates your inner and outer beauty, and instead of fearing the loss by getting jealous, he will allow you the freedom to be yourself, and love you unconditionally as you are, and that you have your feelings reciprocated - to love and be loved in return, without unhealthy jealousy.I speak from experience because I too had this happen in the past, and when I found The One (or rather, he found me), he had been in previous relationships that built him up, made him the man he is today, and instead of feeling insecure and jealous, he gives me the benefit of all that he learnt, by me being his girl, and knowing we have a healthy relationship. When you're with an emotionally mature man, you will grow as an individual, you will discover yourself, you will feel safe, secure and have complete trust in each other. Hold out for that kind of guy :)Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (27 June 2012):
Hi there. First of all, is this relationship an LDR?
You mentioned the last 2 were LDRs, so I am wondering if this is one also.
If you can answer me this, then I can help you further.
And if it is an LDR, well because of not seeing each other on a regular basis, there is a natural tendency to wonder what the other person is up to in between communicating with each other.
And so there is a lot of insecurity as well, and consequently, the jealousy.
There is just so much you don't know about each other.
Because in LDR's each person has their own private life - which is most of the time - and then there's the life where you talk online to each other.
Even if you talk online for several hours at a time, it still doesn't make up for actually seeing each other every single week on a regular basis.
It's a very poor substitute.
It's almost a dreamlike state.
So I don't believe that you attract jealous men, it's more likely to be all about the absences associated with being in a Long Distance Relationship, and just NOT knowing what the other person is doing, while you are not seeing each other.
You are probably better off going out with your friends, and meeting nice young available men in your own town and your own country.
You could meet men by taking up interesting hobbies where you meet both men and women, so you make friends at the same time.
The problem with internet chat sites, or dating sites, is that very often you will meet people from across the other side of the world.
And it seems to be more often than not, that this happens.
And if not the other side of the world, well then in your own country, but several hours away, or in another state altogether.
You are in the USA, so chatting with someone from Canada for instance would be a long distance away.
Or just say you were in New York and meeting someone online from California. Coast to coast!
It's a few hours flight, and that makes it an expensive exercise to fly over there to see each other.
And even if you did fly to see each other every so often, it still wouldn't be often enough to keep the relationship going smoothly.
Unfortunately, that is one of the downfalls of meeting people online.
It's often inevitable that there will be some distance, which makes it an untenable situation.
And with LDR's that are just online chatting and not really seeing each other, over time you will run out of things to say to each other. And you will then find yourself repeating things you have both already said.
So then the awkward silences.
And eventually, chatting becomes less frequent, or it's only one person initiating most of the contact, so they get angry and upset, and blame the other for being selfish, and so of course there are the inevitable arguments!
But occasionally, you might meet someone online who happens to live fairly close.
So you never really know.
It's a gamble anyway, whichever way you look at it.
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