A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 41 year old man in a relationship with a 24 year old woman. I have questions about the future and holding her back and essentially cutting her life experiences short because of the age difference. She said it doesn't matter to her, but I remember when I was 24 and on top of the world. I also have a 5 year old son that she seems to compete with rather than love on. This is a huge concern of mine as well. She wants marriage and kids with no courtship. What should I do. I don't want to break her heart or have regrets. Thanks, Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 June 2012):
 You have a good reason to be justified in your concerns. However, you can’t make the choice for her. At 24 I was happily married and making babies with my 27 yr old husband. Our marriage ended because what I wanted at 21 when I married him was not what I wanted at 30 when we separated.
Many 24 yr old women are way more mature than 24 yr old men so what YOU wanted at 24 and how you saw the world may be very different than what she wants and what she thinks. You can’t make that choice for her.
I can understand your concern about her wanting more.
As for competing with the 5 year old… she may not even realize that she’s doing it. She may not be a parental type of person and she may see the child as taking you away from her (and that’s selfish on her part and may or may NOT be age related)
IF she wants to get married and make kids now and you are not sure, then you tell her, “I’m not ready to make that commitment to you…we can stay together as a non-committed monogamous couple (if that’s what you wish) but I cannot make any promises that it will ever go farther than that” and let her choose what to do.
you risk losing her if you don’t want to or keeping her if you don’t want to.
If you are unsure and concerned then it might be best to end it now… dragging out a relationship for 5-7 years before you cut it off is not fair to YOU, her or your son.
FWIW my last marriage to a younger man ended and he went with a younger woman who has small kids and realized after the fact that he missed having kids around (mine are grown and gone).... so I get your concern.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): You don't want another baby on your hand: if she's competing with your 5 year old now then you have major issues now and later on. It reveals her childlike manner. Do you have any long term expectations?Is this love or lust or just FWB?Common goals and desires?Can you talk to each other: communication? Party lifestyle vs laidback lifestyle?Her friend vs your friends? Worlds apart?If its just hectic sex that's the key to your relationship then you don't have anything else. Although there are very mature 24 year olds, your current gf is not one of them. You need to break this off sooner than later if you do decide that you cannot handle her competing nature. You will NOT be fair and decent if you just string her along knowing that you do not want long term commitment with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Hi I am 21 and I am dating a 33 year old man that looks like 25. At first it took a while to adjust to the age difference but then I realised that it didn't matter.
The only way you can be holding her back is if you are controlling and or over protective. That will push her away because she is young and still wants to have fun. I really like him but like I said we are just dating and to be honest if I met a younger man that possessed the same characteristics he has I would leave him...mainly because he has already experienced life and there are certain places he doesn't like going anymore e.g crowded places and clubs.
I don't think anyone should get married that young. If it is love then go for it, but from what you wrote it seems like your having doubts. You really need to sit down and talk to her. Make sure both your expectations are clear and definitely talk to her about your son, you don't want a situation with them not liking each other
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Well, firstly, age shouldn't matter as long as two people really love each other and really want to be together (stating the obvious though, there are exceptions to that but they are unrelated to this).But, in this situation, I think you two ought to sit down and talk things through. If, as she says, age doesn't matter to her, and if it doesn't matter to you either, then make sure that this is what you both definitely want. During this talk, you may want to raise the issue of how you see how she acts around your son. I'm not suggesting you be confrontational about it, but just sort-of casually ask how she feels about him, etc.As long as you two are sure you both want this, and the aforementioned issue you have and any other issues either of you have are ironed out, then I'd say go for it!
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