A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So depressed don’t know what to do. Sorry this is long. Been with fella since Jan this year. He asked me out. At the time he had come out of an 8 year relationship whom he has two children, one 7 one 3. They had been split since june 09. She chucked him out because he never gave her affection any more. He said he was bored of the relationship and the lifestyle, plus he fell out of love with her.Because of his two children he wanted to make it work, he said he never wanted for his children to grow up without a proper family.He basically admitted to me that he would have still been there now, even though he was miserable, because he never wanted to leave his family (i.e. his kids).So when he met me, I was very into him, and I felt as though he was me although I was wary cos he went on about his ex etc, a bit too much. He did say that he couldn’t commit to me 100% after four weeks of seeing each other. I told him to go cos I was hurt, and two weeks later he sent me a message saying he’d missed me.So we got back together. He told me that this time he was 100 % commited to our relationship, and that before he was just scared and everything felt strange after only being with one girl for all those years. He said when they first split up he felt like he was cheating on her just by dancing with another girl.So we have been to many places together and I feel in love with him, but my mood and insecurity at the moment is threatening to push him away for good.He is used to his ex who never argued with in 7 years. He said the relationship was perfect for 7 years, then things just went wrong for no reason.This is the bain of my problems.I am very jealous of her 8 years with him and feel gutted that he was so special to him. He also told me the other day that his mother cried when she found out they split up and that she stills sees his ex. She has also got a new man now.I feel very much an outsider. We have talked and talked about it – he has reassured me that he has no feelings for her whatsoever now, that I am the only girl he has feelings for and that it’s just me and him now.But I am pushing him away because I am very jealous of his loyalty and his past with her.I once got mad and said she looked ugly anyway and he was disgusted with me, wanted to know how I can say that about the mother of his children (which just made me feel even more jealous!) next day he did apologise and said it was that he still cared about her, but not in the way he cared about me, just that she was the mother of his children.I just feel so much burning anger, that I can’t describe about her and him. He and I go both go out with the children together and he is happy to introduce me to them.He has even took me to hers (although I sat in the car) while he picked the kids up.I do feel he is very into me, as he is always caring to make sure I am happy and seems very miserable and down when I am. He is also very affectionate and says he loves my company – we spend nearly 6 nights a week with each other.I guess what makes me jealous is that before him I hadn’t had a relationship for 2 years and even that only lasted for 1 year. I felt as though Matt, my boyfriend, was the light of my life when he came into my life in January, and what makes me insecure is that I wasn’t obviously is. Although I do believe he is into me now. (he has never said he loves me though)He does put me first with a lot of things and I feel very lucky to have him but really need some help not to mess this up.He is also a jealous person like me and can get very grumpy if he feels I am not being affectionate or am flirting with someone.Saturday my friend invited us out, and it was me and Matt and about 5 of my single friends. Two of them I am close to, but the others I am not overly familiar with. I felt so god damn insecure the whole night and tried not to let anyone see, but couldn’t stop feeling a punch to my stomach when he was talking to one of the girls in the group that I didn’t know. He also walked off ahead of me at one point, a couple of times, and when I was upset about it, he said he knew I was ok cos I was walking with my best friend.He says he’s not a flirt its not in his nature, but on Saturday he was like in his element to be the only man in a group of single women!!!I started to feel that something is wrong with me cos I felt so insecure and it was causing tension, basically the girls kept going up to Matt and saying “are you and Ange ok?” which really annoyed me as I’d not said anything!! (guess they could read my expression well).The first time we got back together he came out with me and all my friends. There was this girl that I’d never met before and she obviously thought my boyfriend was free game cos she knew that we’d only just got back together. She flirted insanely with him, even though he did walk away, it really got me so mad. Then she added everyone as a friend on facebook except me, including my boyfriend (this was after I had given her a lift home which she’d asked for!!!) so this made me insecure also. I was slagging her off to my boyfriend and he said “nice accent though” and I completely lost my rag and told him nasty things again. He was really upset and said he couldn’t’ believe I am so nasty when I am angry. BUT he ADMITS he would be well jealous if this was what happened to him.I just don’t know what to do. I feel so so jealous all the time.There was also this one girl that I noticed him looking at loads when we first got back together (she was in the same bar as us) and it turned out I later found out that he’d asked her out (long before we got together and she’d turned him down). Then through snooping (I shoudn’t have) I found out that they had been sending each other messages when we first got together and he was telling her about his date with me. But also saying to her that he is just having fun and thinks that I think it is more!!!He did however, not answer her back a few weeks later and there was nothing flirty in the messages apart from him saying “oh but you did turn me down”He also told her that he’d got back with me cos he’d missed me a bit.The other week she sent him a message out of the blue and said she was pregnant with her boyfriend and wanted to know how things were going with me.We were out to dinner at the time and when I came outside (he was having a ciggie) he hid his phone. He told me eventually and this caused a row. With him really cross cos I was saying really spiteful things like his ex looked like an alien and other nasty things.How do I calm down from this? And why do I feel so jealous?I just hate the thoughts that he might even be remotely interested in anyone else and I feel really insecure that I am just 2nd best to his ex, even though he has reassured me that all feelings for her have been gone a long time, he’s not felt like this for ages, and he is happier with me than he was with her in the last year of their relationship.Also will I ever be special to him because of his 8 years history with the mother of his children? Thing is, I know deep down he is a good faithful man and that I am going to cause the one thing that I do not want, but how do I control it?He is very loving and understanding but I know it's only a matter of time before he completely goes off me!
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best friend, depressed, facebook, flirt, got back together, his ex, insecure, jealous, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Everyday do something fun together, something special that you can remember and say "that's our special time".. then you think about them good times instead of the past.
Kiss him everyday, and say "he's mine and I am his"
Stay in the present because it's a gift
Get yourself a mantra, a special saying, something that will remind you how much he loves you and how special you are together.
Ask him to buy you a cheap bangle, ring, or some silly token.. Everytime you think bad things then stroke it and remember that he's given you his heart
Stand in front of the mirror every morning, look at yourself and say "I'm a damn fine woman, no wonder the world loves me, because I'm lovable"..
You need to concentrate on now, you need to concentrate on love, you need to concentrate on laughs.. When the bad thoughts come then remember they is negativity that spoil your life and drag you down.
Cognitive Therapy Behaviour (CBT) is good at making you concentrate on what's important. You can book sessions with a trained psychologists, or get an idea of the technique from books, (Feeling Good Handbook by Burns) or from leaflets and websites on the web.
Good luck, and stay strong, he's in love with you it seems, allow yourself to feel the happiness and joy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): hey i am the original poster, and I thank you for your blunt honest advice. I know I need a kick up the bum. I have been for counselling but it didn't help. i just don't know how to stop from worrying and analysing things in the relationship. Anyone got any techniques to help switch off when the thoughts intrude?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): Wow. Yeah he's going to get sick of you if you treat him like that. I'm just going to leave it at that. He is your boyfriend, not a possession. You don't control him and you don't need to. If you don't trust him talking to girls, there is no relationship. Love is all about trust. You guys can never last if you don't trust him and also start being NICE to him. Calling a guy's ex ugly is a HUGE nono. Even if he has no feelings for her now, you are basically insulting him by saying he was with a nasty ass chick for 8 years. It's rude and unnecessary, and it's a direct blow to him and not her.
You really just need to get over yourself. He is trying to love you and you aren't letting him. You are so worried about him liking someone else that you won't let him love you either.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 June 2010):
Sorry, couldn't read everything.. I know it's important to you, but it just gave me headache.
ONE QUESTION I ASK - Do you want to be happy and in love, or do you want to continue to give yourself headaches?
Concentrate on what's important, love, kisses, laughter... and the past, jealousy, comparing yourself, insulting people... dump that negative crap in the bin.
You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to drive yourself mad.
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