A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm 23 years old and I need some advice. I meet my UK partner about three years ago. I am from NZ. We fell in love and after six months got engaged and were married by the end of the year. After we were engaged I moved to the UK and have lived here since (now about two and a half years) we had a very turbulent first year of marriage (we both contemplated divorce because we jumped in so quickly!) but have put alot of time and effort into each other and now have a very strong, happy relationship. I love my husband. We knew it the moment we met we would marry. He is wonderful. He has a stepson that has just moved in with us full time as his mother has moved OS, and we get along very well. What i need help with is my motivation and being happy with the way life is heading. My stepson is about 11 and my husband is 31. He owns his own very successful business and has very high levels of stress associated with it. I had just gotten my acting degree when we met. As we live so far outside of london, it is very expensive and difficult to get there for auditions when i don't have about two days notice (which isn't really that common for auditions, esp. when you're starting out). Also, we have pre booked holidays (kiddo's school term) where we go away, and as husband gets very stressed, he does need a break too, it really cuts down on my ability to be free for shows (again, short notice is a nature of the beast) so after a few months, the work just dried up, and considering it was costing us more to send me up to london for work than i was making, it didn't seem like it was gong to work. I have always been a good writer, and now i am turning my attention to that. I have submitted to comps, am looking into further degree's, and am concentrating on writing a novel. But i have no experience in this, i just spent three years training to be an actor and now... i am looking at a career change before i even did anything. My issue is- i feel like I'm bending everything to fit into a slot that requires so much of me. I miss acting, but i can't see how it will work, even if i got the work- it would mean being away in the evenings and with my stepson here 24/7 now, i can't expect my husband to leave work at 5:00pm everyday, (he usually works until 6-7). How do i contribute as a wife and step mum and still throw myself into my career as i want (whatever it is)? Socially, he is always tired and doesn't want to go out drinking any more on a friday night, whereas i am desperate too, to do something young other than sit about watching tv with a glass of wine after he has gone to bed at nine?I haven't made a whole heap of friends here- The women we invited to our wedding on the UK side (mainly gf's of his friends) have never been very friendly, something that surprised me as i thought they might be more receptive to hanging out seeing as they knew i was new to the country. The area we live in is very isolated and predominately family orientated. I have tried working part time in a bar (acting degree's don't qualify you for a back up career :) I play sports, tried to start my own book club when i couldn't find any to join. I have some friends in london- writers and actors, but am finding it hard to build strong relationships and balance life at home so i contribute fairly. I am starting to really hate my life- I feel like I am the one taking the sacrifice for choices my husband made before i was ever on the scene. We have a very large house that i have to clean, take care of. Two dogs to be taken to the vet etc. A lovely step son that now needs a maternal figure and someone to be home, cook food, be friends with (he is having a very hard time dealing with his mum's move OS- panic attacks, etc) and help out husband with the stress that comes with his job, and somewhere in the middle get myself a career. It has been two years, and i know i'm still settling, but i am just finding it hard to cope. Any ideas would be much appreciated!! even if its just to tell me to grow up.:)
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (2 March 2010):
 You sound like a really lovely lady. It is very hard to do the right thing all the time and I am very impressed that you should be striving so hard to fit everything in. This is a very difficult one as running a large home with step kids, dogs and a tired husband is very hard. You are clearly socially isolated and being young want to go out more often. I think I would put my foot down on this and continue with the acting, going up to London whether the jobs you get cover the train fares or not. I think there has to be something in this relationship for you as it appears to be all for everyone else at the moment. I would also stress to hubby that tired or not you require one night out a week.
I am older than you and was the breadwinner for many years and went to bed at 9pm shattered etc. My husband wanted to go out and party and have fun but I was just too into my business and too tired to do this. It was a big mistake and he became very resentful and eventually looked for someone else to have fun with. I think to stop you getting bored and despondent that it would be wise for you to get out more and keep your dreams alive. If you are feeling frustrated sitting in watching TV every night with a glass of wine then go back to going up to London at least once a week. If your husband is wealthy and successful then he can cover for one night a week, - he will just have to leave the office early. It would probably do him good and he could always work from home.
I have found that if one person doesn't get something out of the relationship then resentment always creeps in which leads to eventual affairs, misery etc. It is about give and take and striking a balance.
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 You can be good writer, and writing business can give you good name, fame, and money also. You can manage family life with this writing business. If you wanted to be very influential writer? Certainly why not? then I suggest you to read all Ayn Rand's work, fictional and philosophical also. This will be your training as a writer.
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A
female
reader, Legioness +, writes (2 March 2010):
 That's the way life goes really, you have to learn to juggle things. Being organised and having a routine is important.. Have you considered perhaps looking into a job that you can use your skills with in your area? The first thing that sprung to mind is teaching acting and drama. Perhaps teaching in a college? Or if you have the money to invest, you could rent out a community center or something similar, or even do it in your own home if you have the space, which could also be more convenient, and set up your own private acting classes? It's just an idea, could be worth thinking about though :)
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