A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What are ultimate relationship deal breakers for you? I ask because I am in love with a man, we have been together for 4 years and those years have been full of great joy and tremendous pain because of things that he has done which hurt me.He lied about spending time with his ex girlfriend (actually spent a week at a cabin with her over summer vacation, while with other friends as well, he left her out of all his stories). He lied about several female friends at his college ("I'm hanging out with a friend..." never specifying gender- seems fishy to me). He watched porn several times behind my back (the lying bothers me much much more than the porn itself because I asked him straight up several times if he watched it; he always said no). In short- he has a pattern of lying and deception. He says he never cheated on me. I view the female friends as emotional affairs because of the secrecy involved. I never hid any of my male friends from him because I saw no need; they were just friends. It's fishy. In short, he has damaged my trust in him DEEPLY. Deeply, deeply, deeply. I have become insecure to the extreme, and very jealous, and very mistrusting. I worry that he is lying to me (because he has in the past), I worry that he is going to cheat, I worry that I am not attractive enough for him, I blame myself for a lot of his deceptions. If I were just "better", he wouldn't need other girls behind my back, etc, etc. I have become depressed, I cry a lot, we fight all of the time. I want to make it work so badly. I worry that it might never work out, we have been trying for months (since the "last time" he lied to me- he came clean and confessed a few things in January, and says he has not lied since. I am trying to give him a chance to redeem himself but I am having a hard time- he's lied for so long, after all). I don't want to say goodbye to this relationship. Back before he lied to me the first time, before that trust was shattered, we were the perfect couple. We have so much in common and we really "get" one another. It hurts me that he could lie to me, whereas for the whole course of our relationship I have been incredibly honest and upfront with him about everything. Before I met him I was going through hard times, I was depressed, recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt, on anti-depressants and in therapy... he helped me to get out of a really long bout with depression, partially brought on by a childhood rape. He was the first person (before even my therapists) that I ever told about the rape- I had complete trust and complete faith in him. I had never trusted anyone like that. I was very careful, very mistrusting. He opened up my heart and made me see that people COULD be trusted.And then he promptly shattered that faith and trust and I feel almost worse now than I did before. I know his lies were "small infractions", but it's the quantity that makes it hard. The first time he lied I was very understanding (about the vacation with his ex). I was hurt, a bit jealous, and angry. But I thought, no one is perfect. And he seemed to understand perfectly where I was coming from- I told him that when he hides things from me, it looks as though he is being unfaithful, and it makes me question his commitment to me. I told him that I needed more respect than that, that I needed the same level of honesty from him that I give him. I handled it well, I think, and he really seemed to get it...I don't know what to do. I love him, he is my lifeline, like I said, he got me out of my depression (not completely, but he definitely helped me to stop feeling suicidal). He is my best friend and I would (and have) do just about anything for him to see him happy. How do I conquer the feelings of hurt, jealousy and betrayal? How do I forgive him? I have tried but the old anger creeps up on me. I am terrified to put my heart in his hands.PLEASE HELP- I am in desperate need... if you have an email address, I'd love to engage with someone who has experience with this, perhaps have one on one conversations, I feel crazy, please please please help me.Sorry for the length.
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affair, best friend, cheated on me, depressed, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Noodleness  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 Hey, I posted a similar question yesterday, I feel the same as you even though my problems are nowhere near the magnitude of yours.
But at the end of the day, you cant help how certain situations make you feel, and everyone feels differently when faced with certain problems.
Message me if you want to talk. Maybe just the getting it off your chest will help. xx
A
male
reader, lifecycle  +, writes (15 April 2008):
I had similar experiences with my ex. She always lied to me, about anything and everything. Big things about talking to her ex at the beginning, to little things like the odd text to a male workmate. She said it was just to say she was going to late or something, but she still lied about it, and deleted the text so I'll never *really* know what was said. She lied about the smallest, unimportant things as well.
Her excuse was that if she told the truth I'd go mad at her, it was just an escape for her, a worthless excuse for her lies. Truth of the matter was that the lies bothered me more then that fact she'd done something like text a bloke, and I told her that. Nothing changed. Just when I started to trust her again, I found out about another lie, and we were back at stage 1.
I've learnt from that relationship that liars cannot be trusted, because you'll never know whether to believe them next time something doesnt add up, or things seem a little strange.
I know this doesn't help much, but I thought it would be nice for you to realise that your not alone, I've been there. She ended up finishing with me, because she didnt like all the hassle ect, I use to question her, check up on her, all resulting from her lies which made me very insecure and vunerable. I should have broke it off with her before it got to that stage, but I know, its not easy, I couldnt bring myself to do it.
Try and be strong and realise that you deserve better then being lied too. There are plenty of people out there who are honest, and loyal who wont mess you around like that. But dont do anything before you really think the whole thing through, and make your own mind up.
Best of luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 When you love someone a lot , you feel like you are powerless to control anything.
Things are just beyond your control.
The only way I know how you can forgive and heal your hurts
and pains is to allow Jesus to come inside you.
By your own power, you will not be able to forgive but with
Jesus , He can heal and cure you.
That is if you believe in Jesus as the son of God and invite Him inside your heart.
If you do not believe in Him , please disregard what I wrote here.
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