A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the past 3 years I've been in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend who i've known for six years. I have a friend, lets call him *A* (to keep anonymity) who actually shares the same friend group that both my partner and I have.I've known *A* for the same amount of time and within the past year I've became more social and started to participate on night outs which has been a good thing. Often on nights out I've noticed *A* getting quite clingy but it wasn't just to me so I assumed it was just that he was a happy sappy drunk.We went on a night out in October for a mutual friend's birthday and my boyfriend was there. Whenever my boyfriend left the table for whatever reason *A* would either come over and sit beside me to speak to me or just started speaking more to me.I didn't really notice anything until the mutual friend pointed out that it seemed *A* was acting strange towards me. Anyway my boyfriend and I threw a hogmanay (new years eve) party and we invited a few people and *A* was included.As the night went on *A* was drinking more and more (we actually didn't notice how much until he had went home) and by midnight was very drunk when everybody else was still quite sober/tipsy.Throughout the night *A* seemed to be getting very close, trying to hug me, asking if i'm okay when I sat down. I'm sure at one point he actually rubbed my back when I sat down. He also kept trying to whisper things to me (which i didnt understand).Shortly after midnight we left the apartment to go to a friend's house to wish his father a happy new year ( it was around the corner) since he is often alone and we didn't want him bringing in the new year on his own. However once we had gotten there we seen how bad *A* was and my boyfriend and I thought it was best to take him back to the apartment. Once back at the apartment building, my boyfriend helps him up the stairs and later told me he thought *A* had tried to grab his throat but he wasn't sure if he was just trying to hold onto him for support or not. Yet about 5-10 minutes later, I was out of the room and my boyfriend was left with *A*. *A* started calling my boyfriend a dick and proceeded to rant about he went to uni and does his best but has nothing to show for it because he cant get a job in his degree field and he still lives with his parents and said that my boyfriend has done nothing with his life yet he has a lot more, he has a house (which my boyfriend actually got through the homeless services 2 years ago which I think *A* forgot about) but he said to him and most importantly my boyfriend has me.At that point I walked in the room and noticed there was a tension building. My boyfriend later said about *A's* hostility and how he thought *A* was going to punch him.*A* got picked up about an hour later by his parents.The next day *A* told me he couldn't remember anything after a certain point in the night it was all hazy and he couldn't remember exactly what happened.Although I did tell him about some of the things he did. I didn't tell him about how he was acting towards me or my boyfriend.*A* is a good friend and he is completely fine sober but I can't invite him to places with my boyfriend present if theres a chance he'll act out drunk and I'm not sure how to confront *A* about his actions that night or his potential feelings towards me.The other 6 people at the party noticed how he was acting and all 9 of us (minus alex of course) agreed that *A* must have some sort of feelings towards me.Should I confront him about it? If so what do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): I am female but have to admit I have behaved similarly to *A* but without ever being physically aggressive or violent. I have, when very drunk, started 'having a go' at people and lost a lot of potential friends because of it. No one ever called me out on my behaviour or asked me if anything was wrong, I was just dumped.What i can say is that I was under an absolutely enormous amount of stress and had had a terrible early life that no-one knew about. I was extremely socially anxious but had learned to develop very convincing social skills so that no one would ever guess how I really felt inside.I don't usually drink at all. But if I got invited out I would drink far too much out of sheer anxiety and then wake up the next day truly shocked at how I'd behaved. It's only years later that I can see I really needed counselling and help from others but that I was so afraid of rejection if people found out how I really felt that I was just acting as if I was fine - only for a lot of resentment and anger to come out when I was drunk. What made it worse was that I can actually remain extremely articulate even when very drunk and it's not until I literally collapse or pass out that people realise how drunk I am - so they would just think I was arguing with them as a sober person and argue back.I'm not making excuses for me or for your friend, but I would ask you to consider just talking to him when he is sober and finding out if there is anything really wrong - though he may not want to tell you. The fact that he feels he has to put down your boyfriend reflects his own very low self esteem - he feels threatened by him, but whether that also involves him fancying you or whether he is just frightened of losing his place as your friend is not really clear.Whatever, he's possibly hiding troubles and self doubts that he cannot show when sober and would probably benefit from a friend at least trying to discuss these with him rather than just calling him out in a blaming way - at least you could try this once and see how he reacts, but he may not be able to open up to you - worth a try though.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (5 January 2015):
 I agree - I'd call him out on his behavior. Even if he "doesn't remember", he should certainly be made aware of the person he becomes after he's been drinking, and the words that he's spewing. Maybe he needs a reality check. And he ought to get the opportunity to apologize or confirm that he really does feel this hostile and maybe it's time that this friendship come to a close.
I'm not sure about confronting him about potential feelings. If you're wrong, that could make this horribly awkward for everyone.
Sorry for your lousy night. Maybe it would be best if you leave *A* out when you go out for drinks...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2015):
 Should you confront him?
I would WITHOUT doubt tell him how he treated your BF, and I would also stress that THAT is not OK. If he can't BEHAVE decently towards your BF, he needs to stay away.
Is it because he likes you? Maybe. Maybe he is just jealous that things are falling into place for your BF and not for him. Including having a good GF.
I would not confront him about his potential feelings towards you. That will make EVERYTHING in the future awkward, in case he isn't into you, but the IDEA of a GF.
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