A
female
age
41-50,
*issKorang!
writes:I am 27 and i'm in love with this tall handsome, fun guy. He is charming, gentle and really respectful. All the qualities you can think of the 'ideal man'. We spent this past easter holidays with my family paragliding and partying. My whole family accepted him as one of us and he kept going on about the reception he got for weeks.We both have very high profile, demanding jobs. His office transferred him to another country (two hour flight from Ghana)almost a year ago but we have managed to keep the realtionship going.He visits a lot. I have not been able to take time off and visit him because of a project going on in my office which i'm actively involved in.We discussed my inability to visit and he was so understanding about it. We agreed i will visit early next year. About two months ago, i noticed he'd changed. My phone calls went mostly unanswered and unreturned. His calls became less frequent, our usal texting became almost one sided(i did all the texting). He blamed it on his new position(he got promoted to country manager). What really got me suspicious is he didn't call to check on me when i got malaria.Then he visited a few days ago and i checked his phone. He is having affairs. One of whom he appears to be living with or at least spending a lot of time with.I am so hurt because i love him so much. We were discussing marriage and he has a nine year old who is so attached to me. All i think about is ending it all.How do i confront him? How do i tell him a snooped with his cellphone? Am i acting out of anger by wanting out.My confusion is, in all my anger and pain and hurt, i love him. What should i do? Help i am a wreck right now.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Hugs hunny. I'm sorry it turned out like that, but i think you handled it well.
A
female
reader, MissKorang! +, writes (15 November 2010):
MissKorang! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow a human being can change so drastically is what i'm trying to understand. Or maybe he's always been like that and i never knew.
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A
female
reader, MissKorang! +, writes (15 November 2010):
MissKorang! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your support guys!! I really appreciate it.
I sat him down this past Friday and had a serious discussion with him.I first asked why he's changed so much and he lied straight to my face and attributed it to too much work and some family problems.
I then told him i knew about the text messages. Then he tried turn it round and make me the bad one for snooping. But i'd have none of that. He said a lot of things, bottom line being that, the affair he's having has no future and i shouldn't think its like what he and i have.
He didn't apologise, he didn't say one 'i am sorry'.
I just asked him to choose between his affairs and me, but whilst i was saying that i knew deep down that it was over. Nothing or no one can change my mind. I deserve better.
Thanks guys, your advice boosted my confidence enough to even be able to ask. I will be fine guys, there is no going around the pain, so i will go through it and come out a better person.
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A
female
reader, babydope28 +, writes (10 November 2010):
You having to look at his cellphone shows that you already had doubts in your mind over him anyways. And speaking from experience I can tell you that if have a gut feeling your significant other is not being so truthful they probley arent. My husband is one of them that thinks he is a myspace god and is dumb enough to have women send stuff to his phone. I personally beleive it is an ego boost and that they need it to function. Whatto do next is be direct, trust me they will find a way to turn it around otherwise. Tell him that you saw his phone and you seen an innapropriate thing and call the b.s card. Because if he was being truthful he wouldnt be so shady. My man and his phone were like siamese twins trust me. And it is tru what they say, once a lie and cheat always a lie and cheat, i learned the hard way. good luck. and stand your ground!!!!
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A
female
reader, fisch777 +, writes (10 November 2010):
My opinion you weren't in the wrong for snooping. I think if you have that feeling or they are giving signs then why not? (You both realized your in a relationship if your talking about marriage) Your dating and you've committed yourself to him so why don't you have a right to know what is going on. Especially because he really is cheating. If I were you I'd just stop communication and try to move on. I wouldn't even tell him about anything, just stop communication. If he was to call I would pick it up and tell him that you know his is seeing other people and you know longer want to talk. But that is just me. Don't you think you deserve someone who is faithful and respects you enough to not cheat. I look at it like this, you are no longer his girlfriend your just one of his affairs, especially if he is really living with someone.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (10 November 2010):
Then you have every right to expect that from him. Let us know what he says....
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A
female
reader, MissKorang! +, writes (10 November 2010):
MissKorang! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRescuer thanks. I do intend to talk to him and do the pouring out. I can't keep it in, infact i feel strange right now, i am jumpy and grumpy and crying at the least provocation. I will definitely get it out of my system. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
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female
reader, MissKorang! +, writes (10 November 2010):
MissKorang! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDemi we are very exclusive. We made that quite clear from the onset. And i have respected that all the way...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): I would just sit him down and ask him face to face first and see if he lies to you. If he is truly feeling guilty and ashamed of his actions, he will confess. If he comes up with bogus stories and lies to you straight to your face, you know he is playing you. I know what it's like to fall in love with a man and give him all of your trust just to find out he was cheating. I gathered evidence, sat him down without letting him know I knew anything yet and asked him straight up if he was cheating on me. He lied and then I showed him my evidence of cell phone and yahoo messages. Of course he tried to cover his behind by saying he was only "chatting" and had never met any of those women, but I found out later that that was also a lie.
Trust me, you don't want to waste any more time than you have to on someone who could do this kind of thing to you. There are men who are truly sorry or what they did and never cheat again, but if you decide to forgive him it will take a lot of work to build your trust back up. All you will be able to think about while you are together is if he touched her that way too or said that same sweet thing to her.
In any case, many women snoop. If he is acting suspicious, a woman's instinct just knows something's up. I find no shame in doing something to watch out for yourself every once in a while if you have good reason. And how can he get angry at you for snooping when he has done something far far worse to you?
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A
female
reader, MissKorang! +, writes (10 November 2010):
MissKorang! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDeminandLace,
we are so exclusive!! He made it quite clear he wanted exclusive at the start!! He wudn't hear of me seeing another man. This has come as quite a shock
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (10 November 2010):
You have to talk to him and find out what is going on. There is no other way to move forward without that. I'm sorry that you are hurting...
I don't know if you have discussed whether this is a monogamous relationship? If you have and you have agreed to be exclusive then you have a big problem. If you haven't he may not see this as "cheating."
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