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male
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anonymous
writes: So I've been with my fiancee a total of 10 months now. We got engaged about 1 month ago. Things with her are great, except for our sex life.To give you some background, I'm 31, she's 25. She's had quite a "colorful" past, and many lovers (some would have said she was insatiable). I, have been quite the opposite. I've only been with a handful (quite literally) of women, and all my relationships have been long-term.Now, our relationship was never really a sexual one. It started off with a courtship, and progressed from there. In the beginning she was eager to jump in the sack, but I wanted to wait. This may have, inadvertently, set a prescedence, I'm not sure. But our first time was well after she wanted it to be, but told me later that she appreciated being treated like a lady.Sounds like I set the prescedence, doesn't it?So since our first time, it was regularly on the weekends. This was the only time we saw each other, and we would spend our time together, either relaxing, cooking, shopping, having sex, or whatever came up. It was great, and all I wanted was to spend more time with her.Since we moved to the new house 4 months ago, our sex life has taken a downward plunge. It was the first time we saw each other on a daily basis. We were actually a "couple", instead of two people who saw each other on the weekends. And I've since started feeling less and less appreciated. It's not just the sex...I do all the cooking, the majority of the cleaning and pay the majority of the bills. Admittedly, she works full-time and goes to school part-time, but when she comes home, all she wants to do is watch TV, eat, and then go to sleep.It's during these times that I feel like I've let her get away with not appreciating me at all, and that she's grown accustomed to me always taking care of her and being selfless.And I don't ask much in return...clean up after yourself and do the laundry.But have I set too many prescedences, and have I become too much of a pushover where she's no longer attracted to me, because I'm not "manly" enough? I thought women wanted a sensitive guy. I cook, I clean, I rub her feet and pay for everything. I compliment her outfits, tell her how sexy she is, tell her how beautiful I find her, and send her flowers. I do everything I'm supposed to, and I do it just to put a smile on her face.But what do I get in return? Not much.So at night, before it gets late, I try to initiate sex. Nothing. I draw her a bath when she comes home, and then try to initiate something (thinking that maybe she feels self-conscious about being dirty, and bathing would rectify that problem). Nothing. I try in the morning, when we wake up. Nothing. I try on the weekends, in the afternoon. Again...nothing.So, maybe she gave up her old "colorful" (I'm being polite here, the girl was the neighborhood bicycle) past, and left her sex drive with it? Maybe because she's used to beginning a relationship as something physical, and because this one didn't start out that way, it never became that way? Maybe she doesn't find me attractive anymore and is too ashamed to admit it? Maybe she never did find me attractive. Maybe I can't please her (like former lovers), and therefore don't give her something to look forward to?It's been 3 weeks since she's "allowed" me to even touch her sexually, and it's not going anywhere, anytime soon. My question is, how do I address this? What do I say to her? Do I confront her flat-out? Do I mention her past and how I wish she had the same sex drive she did back then? Do I try to make this a "us" situation, instead of a "you" thing? I have no clue how to tell her.Bear in mind, I've brought it up before, and she herself has said that she's sorry her sex drive is low right now, and that work is stressing her out, and she's always tired. But don't these sound like excuses? Doesn't it seem like there's something more than that? Because really...if you want to have sex with someone, wouldn't you find a way, regardless of how tired and stressed you were?Or is it just me?So please, if anyone can help, suggest how I should approach this and what I should talk about. Things are great between us otherwise, and I still consider her my best friend, but it seems like that's all I am to her anymore. Her best friend. I'd like to be her lover, for once, and not just something a step abover roomate. But, I'm afraid if I say anything now, I'm liable of hurting her feelings and thereby making this 3 week "hiatus" turn into a 2 month hiatus.Any help would be appreciated.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 I wish you the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, communication is key in any relationship. This past weekend proved to me that without communication, problems never get solved.
To update everyone, she and I spoke this past Friday about this issue, (amongst other things) and I understood more clearly where the problem was. It was me. It had more to do with me explaining why I felt the way I did, instead of her explaining why she couldn't read my mind. :)
Regardless, the problem has been addressed and we're much stronger now than we were before, because of our talk. I'm sure we'll have other bumps in the road eventually, but I understand now that communication is key to making this last.
And that's definitely what I want to do. Thank you all for taking the time to respond
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is really a difficult situation to understand. Danielepew had a lot of good points in his discussion. I just have a couple of thoughts. It is possible that you are being too nice to her and letting her walk all over you. My wife used to be like that. She would give in to whatever someone wanted most of the time. When we had been going together for some time I would tell her off for something she did and she wouldn't say anything. I did that for several years, probably because I could get away with it. Our life together was still good because I did it only occasionally and treated her well the rest of the time. Perhaps your fiancee is getting away with all she can. My wife finally started to talk back to me when I would tell her off and I finally stopped. I guess once I knew I couldn't get away with it I just had to stop. I didn't really consciously think this way.
My wife was somewhat cheap (for lack of a better word) for the first year or so after she got divorced. She would have a new sex partner every 2 months or so and picked some of them up and took them home. After that she slowed down and was looking for good relationships. I started going with her a year or 2 after she had had it with the wilder sex life. She still loved sex, but was ready for sex with just one person and has never had sex with anyone but me ever since. Perhaps your fiancee is still wanting the wilder sex life, where she only goes with a guy until bored and just finds another. My wife was somewhat disgusted with herself by the time she met me and wanted to settle down. We have had very few times where we have not had sex on a weekly or even occasionally 2 or 3 times a day for 28 years now. I think a person, man or woman, has to completely get over the "screwing around" phase before they want to have a lasting relationship.
My wife was just reading your post and my response. She thinks that it is more that she is just taking advantage of you. I'm not sure how you can counteract this, but you have got to somehow make your wishes known. Perhaps this 3 week hiatus is just a temporary thing. Sometimes, over the years, my wife has not felt like sex for a few days, but she always quickly returned to wanting it. Sometimes she just wanted it once a week and other times every day. I was normally the one that would want it more than once a day.
I just had another thought. I wonder if your fiancee liked the sex that she had with all of those men. Did she perhaps jump from guy to guy looking for something that she never got. My wife jumped around a bit, but she normally liked the sex she was getting, even if the guy wasn't a great lover. There were only one or 2 that she didn't like sex with at all. Perhaps your fiancee has never found the sexual experience that she has wanted. I once had a one night stand with a woman that had a reputation of sleeping with everybody. She was the only one of my 5 partners that didn't get any enjoyment from the sex that we had. I kissed her, caressed her and did oral sex on her for about 15 or 20 minutes and she never got wet. She never responded. All of my other partners responded well and had orgasms almost every time we had sex. My other partners were also sleeping with less men than her.
Sorry I can't give you an answer, but maybe my thoughts and those of others can help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): that sounds like me. Look up questions posted within the past week from anonymous female, 30-35. Feel free to add your suggestions, I need your help too. If you read what I wrote you may learn about your future if you continue doing things that don't work. A general advice: If you did it and it did not work, don't do it again. Period. And do not get angry with her, and don't cry in front of her. Also, stop any sexual advances NOW until she either talks to you about what the hell is her problem or starts showing more interest in you. Try not to punish her either, that will only turn her away. You can tell, I know what not to do. Please write to us if you find a solution that works.
"Turn your thoughts more to what you would like to receive. Begin to build within you an integration of self."
She got the best of you and you are disintegrating before her very eyes. By today, I think, she got all the hints, you don't need to add another word to your case. Stop your advances, suffer in silence and continue loving her. Only love will melt her heart of stone.
Are you resenting the fact that she was sexual with others but not with you? That is how I feel about my husband. I think your story and mine have one interesting thing in common: my husband keeps mentioning his ex-girlfriends with whom he had sex here and there (by now you'd think he was a sex guru with a following). I, on the other hand, would stick with one and enjoy sex on a regular basis. It could be that my husband and I had different conditioning. I think my husband does not have the skill to sustain a fullfilling sexual relationship with a long-term partner UNO. I think at this pint I do not punish him for it. My strategy right now is to let him do what he wants on his terms at his pace... . It's taking a toll on me but the other alternative is a divorce. So that makes me want to behave.
One more thing, DO NOT MARRY her unless you resolve this problem. I read that marital inactivity is no 1 predictor of marital unhappiness.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 October 2007):
I have heard many stories about women's sex drive diminishing at times, and then regaining strength, but, if I were you, I would also like to know what is behind her low sex drive. What if this is not a normal variation, but the sign of a major problem? She did say the problem is her being stressed, but, you need to be sure. This wouldn't be the first time that someone gives an excuse because s/he can't handle a problem at the moment.
Maybe you are not the best lover she has had, in purely sexual terms. But, I assume you're at least competent, since she is a physical person and she has stayed with you.
If there's a problem, it may be that you two seem to see relationships in different ways. You have always wanted stable, long-term ones; she, on the other hand, wanted to try different lovers. This would be the first time for her to be involved in a relationship every day. For many people, living together is a major change with respect to meeting once or twice a week. I understand that some people even choose to live apart, even though they are married, because they find that a good love could be spoiled by silly arguments as to how you put things into the fridge or how often you do the laundry. Meeting as two friends would removes all these everyday problems and leaves them with the fun part of the relationship. After marrying, you become "always available", and that sort of removes the thrill of the chasing.
Whatever her past relationship style was, some day she will settle with someone, and you might be that someone. But perhaps she needs time to adjust to the new situation.
Also, perhaps this relationship is not what she wants.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, and perhaps this will bring me a lot of criticism, but women don't want nice guys. I know this very well. Women want guys who will do everything you do for her, but who will also be a challenge. This is one area in which perhaps you are failing, though it is not your fault or your intention to do so. Perhaps you are very good as a husband, but she wants a lover.
You're assuming that being kind to her translates automatically into her being happy with the relationship and being willing to have sex. There is no direct relationship. You can be perfect for somebody else, and less than perfect for her. I have come across women who were perfect for everybody but me. And, over time, I found I wasn't wrong.
I'm trying to look at this situation from different angles, and I find something definitely wrong. She is not doing her part of the house chores. It is not your obligation to do everything. You need to share the burden of living together, as you are expected to share the joys of it. In most couples, the man works all the time and complains that he doesn't have any time left for house chores, and women rightfully complain that their role in the relationship is not being the maids. The same applies here. She needs to carry her part of the burden, too.
It's also so wrong that she won't deal with the issue. If you feel that honest discussion with her will produce problems, instead of solutions, then something is wrong with her.
You mention that perhaps you don't please her like other lovers did. That can be the case. But, I think I detect that you think of her as a purely sexual being. You feel that you may not have "the knack", and therefore she isn't satisfied. You also think that her sex drive should be "insatiable". I think you're wrong here. I can conceive of a woman who would have twelve partners in a year, all one-night stands, all unknown men who she met late at night in undesirable bars, all men whose names she never knew, and that would simply mean that she had sex 12 times in the entire year, which is not the definition of "insatiable". Having many partners does not mean you're insatiable.
I'm also afraid that you're underestimating her value. She may have been "the neigborhood bicycle", but, that is in the past. She is with you now. Your problem is what happens from the moment she met you. The same with her.
I detect that, for you, someone who has had fewer sexual partners has more value than someone who has had several. I don't agree. You are not her moral superior just because you had a "handful" of women.
But, you need advice as to what to do. I would suggest that you talk to her directly, flat-out, as you say. Being direct is always best. Tell her that this sexual inactivity is affecting you, and that you feel that there is something wrong with the relationship. That you need her to get involved as well, as this is a mutual thing. Also, make her carry her part of the house chores, and make her see she needs to take the bull by the horns. Make her see that a problem is never solved by letting it fester.
Sex styles do differ. After you have done the talking, try to experience something new with her. Colorful women are a lot of fun. And, this would be one case where you would really enjoy learning by doing.
Finally, I would like to give you some advice. If things went wrong anyways, and you lost her, don't blame yourself. You are doing what you honestly think you should do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I had the same problem and through meditation and not lying to myself i came to the conclusion, which is what your heart is telling you anyway, that yeah she was not interested in me sexually anymore, under the current circumstances of emotional dynamics.
You may be suffocating this girl with your kindness. I am the same way, i do it too! we are nice guys who want to give love and make someone happy, but we have to make ourselves happy first, and this will cause the girl to be secure in her relationship, and ultimately be happy herself.
Pretty much all you can do is move on...its too bad your engaged that makes it harder.
Set her free and see if she comes back, if she doesnt then you guys arent compatibile. If she does, then the sex will be amazing again. You cant force it out of her! Think about what would happen if you forced it to go your way...it wouldnt be real for her and you wouldnt be able to enjoy sex as it should be...mutual raw exchange of energy and love. If you want real...amazing sex and emotional connectdness again, set her free, find your happiness, and let her choose what she wants. If you want sex with her faking an orgasm, and constantly worried about her cheating to find satisfaction, then go ahead and keep trying to "set the mood", give her gifts, smell good, rub her feet.....whatever, these are all just tactics to force something out that isnt there RIGHT NOW....but it could be if you set her free.
Its a huge risk....but loving without fear is the only way to love...all other love is selfish. Read this book : "Love Freedom and Aloneness" by Osho..it will change your mind about love!
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