A
female
age
30-35,
*aywalker
writes:My boyfriend said one day out of the blue he wants to join the armed forces, he needs to started training for it and cant be talking all the time. Since then its felt like I'm no longer a priority to him, all the things he used to do or say he doesn't anymore. I love him with all my heart, and the thought of losing him would kill me, making it hard to deal with the armed forces idea. If he would marry me id say yes in a heartbeat but he doesn't want that he said. I want to support him with his decision but I also don't want to feel like I'm playing second fiddle to a job. How do I get him back to letting me in and loving fully again, if you get what I mean? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 August 2015):
 Im more focused on the deal breaker you mentioned, but it appears you don't realize the importance of: You want to marry him, but he doesn't want to marry you. This fact means that your relationship has it's limit in the near future. So wondering about being second fiddle or not, to me it seems like a distraction from the bigger issue: your relationship will not go anywhere.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 August 2015):
 I think that the more you grow older and mature ,the more you'll come to terms with " playing second fiddle to a job ". You will realize that's better playing second fiddle to a job with a man who is hardworking, motivated, committed to a life vision for which he is also willing to sacrifice something, and eager to improve himself not only in terms of knowledge and competence, but also, why not ?, of income and status.... than beig first fiddle, or the whole orchestra, to some layabout with no drive, no plans or ambitions, no idea if what he wants to be and do as an adult, and is content of winging it somehow by the grace of God , as long as he's got plenty of free time to romance his girlfriend.
Ah sure, I can imagine must be fun to always have the object of your affection at your becj and call, always ready for exchanging sweer nothings by text, but, guess what, most young men who get a full time job with a minimum of structure or of responsibility , don't have that leisure anymore. Well, maybe if you are, say, the night watchman in a museum, I suppose you'll have plenty of time for personal communications. But in most other jobs.... you are supposed to work during work hours, not to cultivate your personal relationships. To obtain that, at times sheer decency ,and a sense of personal responsibility will be enough ,other times there will be bosses , supervisors, clients etc. to make sure you stay with your nose to the grindstone, ... anyway most likely almost no working young adult will be able or willing to " talk all the time ". So, you might as well start getting used to the idea....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 August 2015):
 Don't "compete" with the Army. You won't come out the victor. If he is in your age group (18-21) he is at the age where he is "supposed" to think on the future - HIS future. What HE wants to do with his life. He might want a family at some point and he will want to be able to support that family.
So should you. There is more to you, than wanting to be a wife, I presume?
So back off a bit, give him space to see if he can make it. And while he does that, YOU focus on your future, and yourself. Don't orbit your man. Your life shouldn't revolve around him, not should his life revolve around you.
Set some goals for yourself. Learn to be independent. Make YOURSELF your priority.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015): I've been in his shoes. Joining the armed forces and serving your country is an honor and a commitment. It is one of the most important things a young man or young woman could ever do. Sorry marriage isn't in your immediate future, but you should support him in every way. If he doesn't see marriage, then don't hang your heart on the idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015): You don't. When you're compatible with someone long-term, your goals and plans for the future have to mesh. If you couldn't be happy with an army guy, you're stuck with only one option when it comes up. This isn't about him loving you; he has to prioritise his future, over a relationship that may or may not be a part of his future in 5 years.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (30 August 2015):
 I think you need to take a step back. If you smother the guy it will just push him further away. There has to be room in his life for more than you. And you have to have things in your life other than him. That way you can both bring interest to the relationship.
You don't want to end up like those couples you sometimes see in restaurants staring into space because they have nothing to talk about.
If he feels the army is for him take time to look into it with him and find out the realities.
You may also have to face up to the fact that you are not the one for him. Either way it's better to know sooner than later.
Give him space and play it cool. If he wants you he'll come to you.
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