A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunts,Firstly I need some advice and I'm in great need of help. My husband and I love one another greatly but my depression is driving us both crazy and also making him sad. I was sexually abused multiple times in my life I was molested at 11, raped and knocked unconsious by two guys when I was 16, and another incident that happened a couple of months before my husband and I met. Recently, there have been a few incidents that have arisien some of these thoughts, (meaning I recall the incidents and break down emotionally.)The initiating incident from my perception is hearing his mothers views on rape. Firstly she said, If a woman doesn't fight then does she really not want it. Also his mother got mad with me when I said I didn't want to be touched(i.e. pat on back) long story short she asked if I was sexally abused. I said I didn't want to talk about that. Then says something to someone else about that woman are protecting a rapist by not telling anyone. It's really funny how many people, myself included, have went to the police, family services, and the hospital and nothing happen. I feel ashamed talking toher I don't want to be around her. I finally told my husband I don't like his mom and that we need to move out of his parents house. Now I'm telling my husband all of my feelings as they come and they are making him sad. I feel like I can't control them. He blames himself for my feelings. I want my husbands support but I am only making him sad. It makes him angry when I tell him about the rape. I'm worrying, scared, I love my husband so much and he loves me so much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): I can relate to you, it has taken years to be in a healthy mental frame of mind. I think I came quite close to completely breaking down many times, I tried to handle it on my own, my young boyfriend (now husband) was fortunately able to help me and importantly guide me to receive the help I needed. It's easy to treat the person you love as some saviour of you and expect them to heal this pain but no one other than you can find that peace. That's what I had to learn, and it's shit when justice isn't done - believe me I know, I was failed by Children's Services here in the uk and it was tough. But I think you need to seek out therapy or counselling or even a phone counsellor who you can talk to regularly to help work through this. Eventually your husband can join you to try and understand and learn how to relate to you when things aren't going well. What's happened to you is not your fault, talking about it eventually helps. Once you realise that you are not to blame and this isn't a secret you have to hold on to the weight that is lifted from your shoulders is immense.Please seek professional help, you can't deal with this alone and it's very difficult for your husband to do so when I am assuming he is young himself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): You are at such a young and vulnerable age to be married.
Considering your past, you've spoken nothing of therapy or any type of treatment for your mental-health. You seem to be highly sensitive to many kinds of triggers; and you pass on your anxiety and depression; because you're trying to handle it on your own, or use your relationship in a therapeutic way. That doesn't seem to be working.
Your young husband doesn't have the experience, and isn't really equipped to offer you more than his love and moral support. Emotionally, you may be a bit too fragile to be in a marriage at such a young age, and being a victim of rape. Disliking your mother-in-law isn't going to help your situation; and will only create more tension in your life than you are emotionally capable of handling. You are married to her son; and you can't isolate him from his parents. It won't make you feel any better anyway.
People say insensitive and stupid things. She's just opinionated, and you're taking it all personally.
Actually, anything anyone says can trigger a negative emotional response. That is symptomatic of your depression.
No one truly understands what you feel and what you've been through; unless they have experienced such a thing themselves. Even counselors and doctors have to rely on their medical knowledge or extensive training; and may not be able to fully empathize with your trauma.
Your stress and depression has to be professionally treated and managed. You do your best to function as well as you can under the circumstances. I'm not sure if you didn't seek marriage as an emotional haven; a way to escape your pain. Hoping your husband would heal you somehow.
You both must undergo specialized counseling in order that you don't destabilize your marriage. You carry a very heavy burden, but marriage at such a young age may be quite a lot for someone in your emotional state to handle. Seek all the professional-help you can to deal with your depression, and the residual trauma you bear from your childhood tragedies.
My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 November 2014):
 Yes you need to be surrounded by positive people and not those who remind you of the incident, blame you for it or tell you how you didn't handle it right. While I think it's unrealistic that you just move on from the past and not feel anything negative from now on, I think it's great that you found love, you are open to it and have a great understanding husband. He as the closest person in your life will inevitably feel your pain. He is angry at himself that he does not have a place of his own and has to subject you to hurtful comments. Your mother in law is insensitive and judgmental so you don't need her in your life.
You can only look forward now and set goals for the future, financial and spiritual ones. Avoid triggers as much as you can. Look at yourself in 10 years and envision the person you aspire to be. The person you want to be is someone who is confident, assertive that no ignorant person can ever bother you.
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