A
male
age
36-40,
*ottenhamhotspur
writes:I have a girlfriend with a great personality and character- I find her very attractive and I can see something long term with her and I know she feels the same way. I am 26, and a virgin (not from a lack of oppertunity, but because I am hesistent to have sex with someone that I don't see a long term relationship with). It has become obvious over the last few weeks that we are both very sexually attracted to one another, and I would like very much to share myself with her. I know that she is someone I can trust, and even if things don't work out, I feel I will not regret this choice and it will strengthen our relationship.I, however, have reservations because I feel like the fact she has had previous partners will make sex with me less special or even trivial to her. I want to get over this because I genuinely like this girl, and always promise myself that I will not judge someone on their past, good or bad, regretted or not, and to try to live in the moment. There were times where I could have had sex with women I felt alot of attraction and cared for, and I wouldn't have wanted her to hold that against me or want me to be ashamed of that. I also don't feel that any of my experiences with other women make my time with her 'less' special or that I'm going to be comparing her to them. I am not with them, nor do I want to be. How do I change the way I feel about the face she has had previous sexual partners? How can I focus on her and the moment WE are in and not the moments she has shared with others? She has already told me that I am by far the best boyfriend she has had and that she thinks my body is perfectly fine. What do you think would help me change my mindstate?
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male
reader, tottenhamhotspur +, writes (11 April 2012):
tottenhamhotspur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all.
We still have not done it, but we have worked our way through trying some other things together.
Our relationship is so strong that we never really have an awkward or dull moment- and we are both great at communicating what we like and what we don't like and have found other ways to get each other over and I feel like it will make the 'actual' sex much more easy and that we will have a better grasp of one another!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Doc H here-
Firstly, I don't know her past or what precisely your reservations are about her non-virginity (aside from shyness and concerns of your performance- which I assure you, will pass very quickly once you start).
Aside from these, consider the following
1-most virgins lose it to someone with one or two previous partners anyway
2-Had she been the virgin and you not- she probably wouldn't mind as much- although both sexes prefer partners with little experience, girls simply don't mind as much- although both often hold their virginity in high regard.
3-People ALWAYS take time to be good lovers with a new partner- past experience doesn't help that much- and chances are she is expecting you to be clumsy- and looking forward to you anyway. If anything, you are SUPPOSED to do a bad job your first time even if you have plenty of experience- so stop worrying.
4-Also, if she thinks you're HOT, she probably forgot about her exes the moment she saw you. Plus, they might be nice nerdy guys themselves?
Last advice- you may be shy- but don't hold back TOO much on the kinds of fantasies or activities you have always wanted to try- many nice guys and gentleman make the mistake of holding back in the bedroom, fearing it gives a wrong impression- trust me, it makes an even BETTER impression when you just be yourself and let yourself go a bit ;)
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A
female
reader, dancergirl2012  +, writes (6 April 2012):
the fact that she has had previous partners is likely to put you off, but at the end of the day she is someone you love and if she loves you then the experience will extremely special, i know this for a fact because my first time was nothing compared to being with a person i love more than anything.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 As a woman who has had MANY sexual partners both men I cared deeply about and random fun swinger type hookups I can PROMISE you that at least for me
MAKING LOVE WITH A MAN I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT is as special as it gets and I don't EVER think about former partners.
when I am aroused it's all about my current man.. the man I love....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Why on earth would you want to change how you feel?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): "I am hesistent to have sex with someone that I don't see a long term relationship with""I, however, have reservations because I feel like the fact she has had previous partners will make sex with me less special or even trivial to her. I want to get over this because I genuinely like this girl, and always promise myself that I will not judge someone on their past, good or bad, regretted or not, and to try to live in the moment." "How do I change the way I feel about the face she has had previous sexual partners?"It may not be possible to change the way you feel. Unfortunate situation where a guy and girl share a mutual sexual attraction but not mutual values and beliefs regarding sexual activity. She has no reason to be ashamed of or apologize for her past, but at the same time you have no reason to be ashamed of or apologize for the standards of behavior by which you conduct yourself.By expressing your reservations about sharing yourself with her (very accurate and insightful definition of sex within an intimate relationship) you are not judging her, you are simply acknowledging the obvious reality that you and she have conflicting fundamental philosophies. You shouldn't feel the need to "change" or "get over" what you believe in your heart and mind, nor should she. If you believe this relationship has the potential to become long term, then each of you need to have a clear mutual understanding of the other's needs, wants and expectations before going any further; the two of you need to be completely honest with each other before deciding together whether you sincerely believe you can make an intimate relationship work or if you sincerely believe you can't.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 April 2012):
 First of all, those reservations are totally understandable. From a woman's perspective, I can tell you that if she's wanting to have sex with you as part of a long term relationship, she's thinking about you.
You might not have thought about this, but being with someone who has sexual experience has a very distinct and good advantage. Most of us found our first time to be much less than magical. Often, it was painful, awkward, something many of us regret, and possibly very traumatic. With experience comes enjoyment, fulfillment, and a "letting go" that truly makes it enjoyable.
She *will* be concentrating on you. Sex is a very emotional thing, and if she's really into you, the others won't even cross her mind. Compared to you, they are lice. You won't have to worry about how you measure up to others, or that she'll think your performance is lacking. She will think you are incredible, and you'll find her patient, excited, and completely safe inside your arms, and likewise, you'll be safe and loved in hers.
Her love and passion will be for you, and that physical expression of it as you're together will be as pure as is humanly possible. Honestly, for her, the moment she has an orgasm with you will make sex with you mind-blowing to her. Each person is different, and rather than worry about who she was with before, which is completely irrelevant since you are a different person, it will be a great adventure to explore together. Remember, when she's with you, it *will* be a first time. It *will* be a new experience, and it *will* be new territory for both of you as you explore each other's bodies.
I have a friend whose husband was a virgin when she met him. She had been sexually active before and had had three partners before she met him. At first, the idea of her not being "pure" really bothered him to the point where he treated her like a yo-yo, bringing it up over and over, breaking up with her at least twice because he wanted to hold out for a virgin, and not being able to get her out of his mind. Finally, she told him never to talk to her again, and started dating someone else.
Anyways, long story short, he saw her at a shopping mall hand in hand with another guy, and he couldn't stand it anymore. He went to her place the next day, told her he was a fool, and that it nothing mattered to him anymore but her. She, of course, told him that this was the last time, and that if he brought it up again, they'd be through for good.
He was true to her wishes. They've now been married 16 years with three kids, a house, and the good life. She's faithful and loving and everything else up to that point is a distant, irrelevant memory.
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