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writes: How do I change my resurfaced feelings about a wonderful wife?I hope I can keep this short, but it is complicated. I would love to hear comments from people like Mandy7 and happytochat. My wife and I were both once divorced. Both of us had had only 1 sexual partner before our divorces. We started to go together 3 years after her divorce and 6 months after mine. We were mid 30s. She liked the way I treated her from the beginning. I was the first guy that didn't try to get her into bed on the first date and gave her every chance to say no on the second date (she didn't say no). After the first date, she broke up with the guy she had been going with. On the 2nd date she started hinting about her sexual history. She made 1 line statements that made her sound worse than she was. She did this several times, each time getting very slightly more descriptive. It was like she wanted to tell me about a part of her that she didn't particularly like. I finally asked her how many partners she had and she listed 10 in a fairly descriptive way. We discussed it more and, because of my childhood and early 20s upbringing, I made statements that made her feel cheap. She told me, rightly so, that she didn't want to discuss it any more or else I should leave her. I didn't want to lose her, so I honored her wish.For a couple of years after that, I allowed myself to hurt over her behavior. I was most distressed because she went to bed with 3 or 4 or these men a few hours after she had just met them. I finally was able to bury these thoughts in the back of my mind. I have kept them buried for the 3 years that we lived together and the 22 years that we have been married. For some reason they came to the surface again.She has been wonderful through our entire relationship. She encouraged me to date after we started going together. I dated (and had sex with) 3 women over the next 2 and 1/2 years, with her approval. Each lasted a couple of months. I treated them the same as her on the first date. She was happy to never date another during our entire relationship.For some reason, we started discussing our pasts about 2 months ago. The buried bad feelings resurfaced about her picking up several men and going home with them. We have been discussing this for a few weeks now, but I can't seem to resolve this problem and feel good about her behavior. She is helping in every way, but I can't get the bad thoughts out of my mind.We have many common interests and have had a great life together, with few arguments. We have had a terrific sex life and still have sex several times a week, even at the age of 60+.I know this is stupid, but I can't get these feelings out of my mind again. I know that she did these things because of her strong sex drive (which we both love) and because she was looking for someone which she never found, until me. By the way, she is reading this and has approved what I have written. HELP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just realized that I need to clarify the last statement in my last post before someone gets the wrong idea. I said: "They wanted to know what I was doing overnight with someone like that." I just need to say, before someone asks, that they knew absolutely nothing about my then girlfriend. It was just that anyone woman that would let me stay with her overnight was automatically a tramp. And actually, they would have thought that I was no better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe this will help someone else who has gone through something like this:
My family beat (figuratively speaking) these thoughts into me for about 15 years or more, so they are hard to get completely rid of, but I have come a long way. My wife hates them for doing this to me (actually us). Of course, since I am now in my early 60s, they are all gone. One aunt was different, but she lived about 30 miles away. She was so happy when she had learned 25 years ago that my current wife and I had decided to live together. She took my then girlfriend aside and told her how happy she was. She also told her not to ever mention it to any other member of the family, as they would not approve. I was 37 years old at the time. One evening the other aunts were trying to get hold of me to give me some information on my mother's illness and they finally tracked me down the next morning at my then girlfriend's house. They wanted to know what I was doing overnight with someone like that. That was when I was 34 years old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Hunny,
You are worried about your wifes past, can I just say you have brought up this lover who made you feel special does this not affect your wifes self asteem, No because she is secure with you, She is an incredible woman love and just from some of the stuff you have mentioned you really have nothing to fear, this experience with this other woman has stayed with you, Do you maybe think that as this has stayed with you maybe you feel something has stayed with her.. As generally speaking hunny its always been ok in the eyes of most that men are able to have as much fun as they want before they settle so why is it so different for women, It really shouldnt be that way, Judgments shouldnt be made on anyone, Isnt acceptance of the one you love because of the qualitys they bring to your life more important, This is how much your wife loves you, you wont get better than that in life LOVE MANDY XXX
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reader, eddie  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 It's great that you have come a long way. Now, you MUST focus on that. I have suffered some of the same things as you. DO NOT dwell on the past. Because we were put put down or told what to do as youths, we almost feel a reward when we beat at ourselves. In a strange way, it makes us feel good to ruminate over things that are of little importance. Any attention is better that no attention.
If you believe what you've written, the you must find a solution to your thoughts. Let me blunt. At a certain point in time, your wife was horny and had sex. Period. She met a male who was attractive to her and they got together. If they had gone to the movies before hand, would that have made it more acceptable? Nobody likes to imagine this type of thing, but we're wired to feel attraction. If you can not battle this on your own, seek help. It will destroy your marriage and you'll never outrun your thoughts. You're putting pieces in this puzzle that are based on what you imagined and how it "must have been". You were not there.
Try to move forward and remember all the positive things you have in the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom Eddie (quote): "There is no real benefit of knowing your mates sexual past. Generally speaking perhaps but the blow job in the hot air balloon concept was good. In that scenario, if you were ever in a balloon and she didn't feel like giving you a blow job, the first thing you'd say is....."well you gave so and so a blowjob..."
Actually, when I said that she gave me descriptive comments 28 years ago, I didn't mean anything like actual sexual acts. I meant like she went home with a guy she had just met and had been dancing and drinking with at a bar or had left with from a party. Just last month we for some reason started to talk about what we had done with other partners and we both discovered that we had done everything together that either one of us had done with someone else and far more. Our sex life together has been far more inclusive and exciting than either one of us had with all the partners combined. This recent discussion has made both of us realize that no other partner has even come close to what we give each other. This is both sexually and in every aspect of life. It is only the general part of letting herself be picked buy men she had just met on 3 or 4 occasions that is the part that I still can't get over.
To add an explanation about my upbringing comment, my mother and my aunts hated everyone that I wanted to date. They made everyone, including my first wife, who I married at age 22, to be tramps. No one was good enough for me and nothing I could do was as good as what one of my older cousins could do. This continued into my 30s. It is no wonder that I lacked confidence for so long and thought that I was inferior. I felt that way until I was 35 years old, when my current wife and that one girlfriend made me feel so good. That was as a lover, but more important as a person. I never got completely over what had been beat into me when younger, but I have come a long way.
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reader, eddie +, writes (27 September 2007):
I have to agree with Irish49. There is no real benefit of knowing your mates sexual past. Generally speaking perhaps but the blow job in the hot air balloon concept was good. In that scenario, if you were ever in a balloon and she didn't feel like giving you a blow job, the first thing you'd say is....."well you gave so and so a blowjob..."
If she was a hooker or a porno actress, I'd say that information should be on the table. That would be because that would make her a person from the fringes. If we're expecting someone who is in the normal range, people on the fringes should be open. If I was marrying a woman and she didn't drink because she's an alcoholic, that is important information. If the only thing is that she had a few more sexual experiences than I'm happy about....it's really my problem.
I'll agree that many people have these discussions. I think it builds walls though and provides and opportunity for potential problems like yours. The fact that you've both got self confidence issues only fans the flames. You will compare yourself to every man she's been with and wonder what she thinks. The truth is she never even compares them to you and even less often thinks about them sexually. You're thinking like a man, she 's thinking like a woman. I do think there is a difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIrish49 - Remember, she is the one that seemed to want to tell me. She admits that. I don't blame her for that. Perhaps I would have eventually asked even if she had not hinted so much and seemed to have to tell me. She obviously felt guilty and needed to tell me. Maybe she would have suffered guilt feelings for all these years instead of me feeling bad. If that's the case, I'm happy I took some of the pain off her shoulders. I can't tell if you are blaming her or me or both, but we both have to share the responsibility. I'm not sure that I completely agree with your opinion on this. In the case of my wife and I, I tend to agree with you. It would have been better, I think. We will never know. I was reading a survey of women a couple of weeks ago about telling the truth about their sexual history. Out of 38 responses, 6 didn't answer the question, 15 said that they either lied or would not discuss it and 17 said that they had told their husbands or significant partners the complete truth. One of the ones that lied said that she wish she hadn't, because she can never tell the truth now. She didn't want to tell about the 3 that she felt bad about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): These comments I make here will not help you. But I need to state them so perhaps if others read this, it may give them pause to think careful when venturing into new relationships. I have alwyas believed there is a huge difference between finding out about a partner's sexual past and their history or risk of STDs, that definitely need to be discussed for health reasons. So if you are to get intimate, discussing health concerns is vital. But...these two points get very, very confused. You did not need to know the details of "what' she did in bed with these men, did you? Why would she have even done that? I have read a lot of very similar postings like yours, where the male partner is having 'bad' feelings about his beloved's past sex life. Why? Because he found out all the unecessary details. A relationship is about moving into the future, not pondering on one's past. So I often wonder why a couple insist on being so detail oriented. Do you really need to know that she gave some guy a blow job, in a hot air balloon? Or that she tried this new position with that guy? Can I be honest, the who's, what's and how's of her sexual past, was something that you should never, ever have discussed. All she was obligated to tell you, was if she had STD's and if you were at risk. So on that note, for everyone to read here, every new couple that ventures into a relationship together.. needs to be very cautious. Once you open up that can of worms, re: a person's sexual past for discussion, there's no telling what you're liable to learn or how that information will affect you. I think people that find a 'need' to tell all the details, should examine why and look deep into their own motives for even doing this. I feel that telling 'all' sets the relationship off-course and off balance...it was a stupid, uncaring thing to do in the first place. The only way you will deal with this, is to simply, ask yourself, is this worth it? is this what you want you to blow up your wonderful,love relationship over? Learn to move ahead, to the future. It will take a great sense of willpower and strength, intermingled with maturity and clear thinking. Good luck to you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Uncle Phil – I appreciate all thoughtful responses like yours. I simply mentioned Mandy7 and happytochat because I had read a couple of their thoughtful responses to other posts and wanted a woman’s point of view.Mandy7 – Thank you. You are right about having to be careful about not thinking of things that did not even take place. I have always had a lack of self confidence, as has my wife. Sometimes if she unintentionally said the wrong thing I would think that she really didn’t love me. One of the other women I went with seemed to say the right things and helped my confidence. They seemed to be genuine and spontaneous and I think she liked me a lot. She finally asked me what her chances were. It was obvious that I was seeing someone else. I told her the truth. She then sadly, for both of us, broke up with me. She got engaged shortly after that.Tellulah – That’s OK, I need to be told off. Thanks for doing it in a nice way.Eddie – I gave a wrong impression by saying that she approved of my dating other women. It wasn’t like I asked for her approval each time. It would have been better to have said that she originally told me that she thought that I should have other relationships. She only knew that I was seeing someone else because I would suddenly spend less time with her. She didn’t know any details. There was no voyeuristic pleasure. Eddie quote - “Also, is it perhaps a way she might have used to cleanse her conscious or your worries by letting you "get even". for lack of a better term.” This is what both of us think it was. She actually had hoped that I would date even more women. She is saying to me now, “Because I had done the same thing and I thought you should have been entitled to do the same thing.” It’s too bad that responses don’t immediately show up, but I know that they have to be reviewed. Sometimes there is an overlap of responses.
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reader, eddie +, writes (27 September 2007):
This is interesting. You sound like in general you're both somewhat sexually liberated, perhaps her a little more. I understand you don't relish the concept of her being with other men in the past....but...you were having sex with other women while she was your main lady.(with her approval) While I assume yo don't dwell on your sexual past, she probably doesn't either. Do you have some other issue bothering you or something that makes you feel inferior in some way?
I do find it odd that she approved of you having sex with other women while you were dating her. That would not be common. It sounds as if it was almost a voyeuristic pleasure she derived from this. Also, is it perhaps a way she might have used to cleanse her conscious or your worries by letting you "get even". for lack of a better term.
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reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 Wow, you both sound like you have a wonderfull relationship. How lucky are you to have a life like this.
I cant say I really understand why you would spoil it over things that happened years ago. So what we all make mistakes dont we?. Do I sound like I am telling you off!! Well good because I am. Just the fact that your wife has actually let you do this and been understanding of your feelings, shows how much she loves you.
I am sure its just something that has raised its ugly head, and you are letting yourself get carried away with it.
Dont spoil things with this truly wonderfull person, let it go. What can you being like this change anyway. Except maybe her feelings towards you.
There are many people out there that never find this type of love, be gratefull and thank your lucky stars (both of you) every day
XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Hi Hunny,
You no what you to have is so special, And the reason you cant get these other men out of your head after all this time is because you truely love her, You cant stand the fact of your beautifull wife having a sexual past. Hunny we all have a past and sometimes when we want to know we really wish we didnt as in your case its just eaten you away, believe me your wife is not cheep and never has been far from it these are just learning experiences along the way of life. Its good that you can both be so honest and to me thats the friendship of a relationship.
This is having a negative feeling rather than a positive one and you two have nothing to be negative about as everything in your life with each other is possitive, So amazing after all these years why let the past put any doubt in your wifes love for you this moment over something that happened so long ago im sure she thinks nothing of any of it, only as its been brought up is it there for her.
Sweetheart you could go over this in your head 100 times driving yourself mad, your mind can add bits on that didnt even take place and when you do realise that it really means nothing you will think why the hell did I waste all that precious time hurting myself, Do you think of your past sexual experiences I doubt it comes into your head as it means very little to you because you love the woman your with and so it is with her...
My partner and I have both had a past but we no its just that and we have spoken and then thats it forgotten its not worth thinking about and I love him to bits and he feels the same so why ruin something so good for something that has well gone.
You two have a wonderfull marriage enjoy each other, To love is a wonderfull thing but to be loved is more special and hunny you are truely loved thats all that matters in life... TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF YOU LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I know I'm not mandy7 or Happytochat, but I thought I'd throw in a few thoughts.
It seems to me that this all happened before you became an item? (I'm having difficulty reading between the lines!)
If that's the case, it was in her past and is what makes her what she is today. If I were to disclose what I got up to whilst in the Navy, particularly in Singapore and Hong Kong, I'm sure any of my previous partners would now look at me in a different light, but that behaviour is all behind me now and I've settled down. You might say I got it out of my system at an early age. Which I guess is what she did. It's all in the past, so why worry about it? You can't alter the past, and the future will be what you make it.
I'm not ashamed of anything I did, hundreds of guys did exactly the same, I had a darned good time and I don't regret anything. I also learned a lot about the ways of the world.
I wish I was having sex several times a week! Think yourself lucky. She's with you now but you could end up making her feel cheap and driving her away if you keep going on about this issue (which really is a non-issue now).
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, my wife has told me a couple of weeks ago that she feels that she was cheap, too easy and too promiscuous back then. She thinks that she felt that way back then also, but couldn’t admit that to herself, much less to me. She doesn’t know why she did the things she did, but she thinks that it was because she lacked confidence and felt that she had to do that to find someone who loved her. She had some good relationships and some where the guys just used her for sex. She is unhappy with herself about some of the men that she took home, but she is not sure if that is because it hurt me or if it is because she is displeased with herself. She doesn’t care if I also think she was cheap, as long as I still love her, which she says I have always shown and still do. She has asked me if I think that I should have given up on her back then. When I think of that possibility, it depresses me more than anything. She was an attractive woman back then and still is more than ever. Not beautiful, but definitely better than average. She feels the same about me. It is difficult to let these feelings interfere in any way with our great relationship.
I hope that some responses will help with my feelings and I also hope that some younger people (like who isn’t younger that me) will realize that a “bad” woman or man can become the most devoted, considerate and caring person that you could want. OK, I’m having trouble focusing on the screen now, so I will close.
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