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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I discovered that I’m judgmental. Maybe not in all situations, bit as it turned out in this one, I am. How do I change this? I find it really hard to change the opinion I have.I’m 43 years old and so is my best friend whom I’ve known since kindergarten. Long story short, she decided to find a sperm donor and have a kid. She has no family and no permanent job. She works on a couple of projects per year, but she has always complained that there’s no safety in it. No guarantees. She’s careful with her money, that’s true.I have never told her what I really thought (the judgmental part) about her decision to have a child on her own. I told her only that I will support her because it is important to her…I understand her reasons as she had listed them to me. She has never had a bf/partner, although she has desperately wanted one. She is lonely. She feels that her life is going nowhere and needs to know that she has done something with her life.I just don’t think it’s fair to bring someone into this world so that we could feel less lonely or to give a meaning to our lives. I don’t think that she is really aware of the responsibility that awaits her. She has never even had a pat. She relied heavily, until recently, on her parents while they were still alive for everything, emotional support, money etc. She is used to doing what she wants when she wants it. She has never been responsible for anyone. There is also another bag of problems. She has never wanted to seek therapy. Her mother tried to help her with that, as did I. There’s a reason that she is alone. She has narcissistic tendencies and also paranoia and anger problems and OCD. I’m not saying that she will be a bad mother. No one can know for sure, but I think that her reasons are really self-centered.I try to empathize. Life is not fair. There’s no some guaranteed balance like you lose something and get something else… life is what it is at any given moment. She was toying with this idea of having a kid, a few years ago but then she met a guy she liked. Even though it was not reciprocated, she told me she would be quite content to be with him and not have kids, because it was a wall known fact that he didn’t want any kids. So, that’s why in a way I think that she would try to replace a partner by having a kid. From the conversations I had with her, I realized that she had done zero reading about pregnancy, delivery, possible risks… let alone about raising a child as a single parent. She has this rosy picture that everything will be fine with her and the baby. That she will hire a full-time nanny and continue to work on the projects. How do I stop thinking that what she id doing is wrong? I too cannot know how things will turn out, but I still think that it’s not fair to make another human to serve your purpose.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2020): Thank you Honeypie !
You have helped me get a much need perspective on the situation.
She has already started the process of hormone therapy and if all goes well, she might get pregnant by the end of teh next month.
None of us can see the future, maybe things will go well, maybe not. ..
Btw, there are no evaluations. If you have the money, the clinic will do it. They will even let you import the sperm sample from the country and donor of your choice. My friend wanted a tall, blond "viking"...
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 July 2020):
 There is a difference between having a different opinion and being judgmental.
Usually, being judgmental is regarded as "having or displaying an excessively critical point of view."
So the point here is EXCESSIVELY CRITICAL.
You know she is being unrealistic. She has not had much responsibility of her own EVER, since she had her parents to fall back on, to bail her out and carry her.
I don't think that is being judgmental. Personally, I would think along the same lines as you.
BUT what I think I would consider is that SHE is a FULL grown woman who has to make her own choices, her own mistakes and also TAKE responsibility for her OWN actions.
For now it's still a "fantasy" for her. It's a dream. Her biological clock is ticking so loudly she wants to move forward with no real foresight. THAT is how she lives her life.
Who knows she might not be able to actually go ahead with it, she will probably have to go through a fertility center or doctor first. So have her medical history examined and tests and check ups. And she might be healthy enough to go for it.
I have a friend who did this at 39, she went through a psych eval and physical tests before being given the go ahead, it actually took 6-7 months (iirc) and she got pregnant on the first try. Some don't. Your friend might not. My friend has no regrets and have an amazing daughter. But she is (and was) a very responsible person with a large support and safety net and a good career.
Maybe when you think about all the negative, remind yourself that IT IS HER life. Whether it is selfish or not to have a kid because she is lonely, is really NONE of your business. Does it seem irresponsible? Kind of. But I have heard worse excuses as to why some people want to have kids. Like, "I just love baby clothes". Or "Pregnant women looks so amazing".
If she asks you can maybe GENTLY point out that motherhood is for life. It's a huge responsibility. But I wouldn't point out all the negative to be honest. Because it's not your job to police others. And while she light seem like she hasn't thought it through... It's obviously something she DOES think about.
Every time it pops into your head go: "NOT my circus, not my clown."
I think it's totally OK to go... "That's not a good idea". As long as that thought is followed by a ... "well, HER life, her choice."
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