A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been single for about 14 months, dating casually here and there, I've been seeing a guy that I've known for years the last couple of months casually and also been seeing and texting other people. (as he has as well)This guy and I have decided to make a go of it and be exclusive... The problem is I was suppose to go meet another guy I've just been talking to for months on the weekend (was arranged weeks ago) he does seem really nice I would like to continue a friendship with him and get to know him more. It's now not right for me to meet him but at this stage really don't want him to know I've entered a relationship (he's at the other end of the state) just in case it doesn't work out ... And I do want to end up meeting him.... What should I say to cancel the weekend and continue our friendship and possibly more, in the event this one doesn't work out. Yes this one might be perfect but because it's only early days I've learnt to be skeptical.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): Tell him something has come up and you cannot go. If you feel you need to, simply tell him you are in an exclusive relationship and don't plan to screw it up by keeping him on the side, just in case it doesn't work out. I also think you should give up the notion that you will be able to 'get to know' this guy because if you're in an exclusive relationship, you should only be focusing on building that relationship, not having a back up plan.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 The header of your submittal sez that you are female. ARE YOU SURE????? .... cuz the behaviour/intentions that you spelled out is strictly "man-like".... wherein we (men) try to keep a couple of girls "on the hook," constantly, so that we never have to go without for more than a day or two......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2012):
 if you are so sure that you need to keep a spare waiting in the wings why did you agree to be exclusive?
either don't be exclusive and meet the other guy or
a. take your new found boyfriend with you to meet your new friend.... after all if you want to consider keeping the spare as a "friend" there is no need for him to be a secret from the new boyfriend.....
or
b. cancel the date with the other guy and go full on with the new boyfriend and make it work
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2012): OMG I think with your intentions, both should stay away from you. It's to be hoped you don't get treated like that one day.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Whatever happened to honesty?!!!!! Tell your friend you'll have to cancel and if the situation changes you'll be in touch again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2012): You can't have it all, you need to chose between your relationship or this other guy. You owe it to this guy to tell him he doesn't have an immediate chance with you because its not fair to string people along and give out mixed signals.
He could be getting on with his life with another woman and not wasting his time waiting around for someone who just considers him to be an option.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 September 2012):
 How long have you been dooming your relationships? You are skeptical, but you don't allow yourself to move deeper into a relationship because your fear hinders that. How would you feel? "I want to make a go with you, but just in case, I'm keeping hold of reserves." Where is the worth or value in the relationship you're trying to make a go of? I would say, not present.
You can't keep your heart so protected. If you do, you'll miss the beauty it can find. You need to be honest. If you're going to keep this other guy on the side, then you're not really emotionally ready for the relationship you're in. It's doesn't just show your fear, but it also shows how these two men, who know nothing of one another, are being played. Trust and honesty are the foundation to any true, long lasting, relationship. Without their presence, the foundation will ultimately crumble.
I feel that you have been hurt in the past and are projecting your pain in the actions you spoke about. You are so guarded that you condemn other guys for what others have done to you. In doing so, you strip away the opportunity for someone to truly love you, because you've already considered the relationship to be over, before it has really begun.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Hi
If you have decided to make a go of it and be exclusive,then thats just what you should be doing.If you keep men on the backburner then your not being fair or giving your relatinship and boyfriend 100%.
So you either keep him or let him go and continue to date several men casually. Tell the other man your now spoken for. If things dont work out you can always get in touch with him but for now,leave it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 I understand wanting to play it safe and hedge your bets but I think what you're proposing will cause you a great deal of stress and could lead to a lot of resentment down the line. You risk losing both men.
To keep one man around as a fall back plan under the auspices of friendship is dishonest. Friendships have to be nurtured and the only way I can see you doing that is secretly. This 'friend' might not appreciate clandestine meetings and late night phone calls. Maybe he'll be fine with them if he believes he still has a chance, but what happens if things work out with your boyfriend and this guy is kicked to the curb? Is he vengeful?
If your boyfriend discovers or even suspects what you're up to he might decide to kick you to the curb. If Mr. Plan B has been dating other women are you sure he won't use you as his own fall back plan since you did the same to him? Would you remain friends with him under these circumstances?
Too many expectations, too many secrets, too many headaches and too big a disaster if it does hit the fan. Treat others as you want them to treat you. Sometimes you have to take some calculated risks in life. This is one of them.
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