A
female
age
26-29,
*arissalover1
writes:i feel like my mom and i have no relationship what so ever! i feel like there is nothing i can talk to her about!! i've tried sitting down with her, tried writing her letters, i've even tried facebook messaging her, but nothing seems to change!! i've almost had it with her, but i know ther is no way i could let her out of my life. i want to have a mother daughter relationship with her, but i dont know what to do!
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 April 2012):
 When you say you've tried to talk to her do you mean about the problems between you or just conversationally?
Before you tackle the big stuff it might be a good idea to start small and find some common ground. Do you and she share an interest in a films, books, tv shows? Brief, lighthearted conversations about benign, mutual interests would help strengthen bonds and give you something to build upon. You'd have greater success with that than trying to have a long drawn out, baggage purging tear fest.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 April 2012):
 If your Mother and you do not have a good relationship and you are committed to wanting one, then perhaps a counsellor working with you and your Mom can help you all to identify what are the issues preventing a better connection?
Perhaps your Mom has some issues of her own - especially if you are committed to wanting a good relationship - but she is not helping with her own actions to help it become a reality (a good mutually respectful relationship)
Has Your Mom had a tough life?
Has she felt as if her life is not as good as those of others?
Does she get jealous of others easily?
Does she have some health issues?
Or money issues?
A series of brotken romances?
Or is she just plain difficult and lack communication skills?
Or lack empathy?
You do not have to parent your parent.
you do not have to fix her ills. She should take responsibility for that. But until she does she may discourage you and make you feel unwelcome.
And I have been where you are hoping to reach. Even when I made plans to meet my Mom then at the last minute she would just happen to have a boyfriend want to take her somewhere instead. And any boyfriend always took precedence.
Sometimes I started to think that she called the boyfriend instead of wanting to spend time with me. It made me feel hurt. Or she would meet me, but be so late that there was only 15 minutes left of my lunch time. She was so competitive. If my hair was nice she would be extra critical.
If she was not the one getting all the compliments and attention then I would get criticized.
If I tried to 'dress down' then she would loudly make critical comments that everyone heard. It was humilating. Draining. It wears one down.
And eventually one has to stand up to unacceptable behaviour. Being a mother does not give anyone the right to treat their child as a third class cast-off. You have rights too.
Rights to what?
During your childhood your Mom (and your Dad, one hopes) meets your physical needs for adequate water, food, arranging medical care, clothing, shelter, warmth. Making sure you get a regular education. These things are basic.
You Mom watches out for you and teachers you to cross the road safely, play safely, not do anything that might harm you. But also be alert that you don't come to harm from any external source as much as your Mom is able to do this. This may even mean that a Mom can seem tough sometimes, but Mom's want their children protected from harm from any source.
And your Mom needs to find the time to sit down with you, listen to you, talk with you, hear you. Even hear what you have not told her but your Mom will sense when all is not well. Be it a look, a change in behavior. Moms are for giving praise and hugs and showing appreciation and acknowledgement of how Important you are to your Mom.
I always had a dream to go shopping (clothes/thing) with my Mom. It never happened. Instead my Mom would be out Friday nights with a boyfriend. Then too tired to shop on Saturday. So as a teenager stil at school I would have to do the weekly shop on my own while she slept in. In the end I just picked up the money each Saturday and did the shopping without even going to her bedroom to ask what she wanted. And put it all away on my return. No thank you of course. Never .
And if someone is mean, or Judgemental? A good Mom is not going to stand on the corner verbally abusing the people who have been horrible to you. Instead a Good Mom ought to take you aside and give you the skills to better weather the storms and help you to become emotionally stronger. She will not waste her time on the losers who hurt you verbally or emotionally. Instead she will give you guidance and support and encouragement to become strong enough to deal with the losers, bullies, nasties. The people I call the people poisoners.
And your Mom should teach you life lessons. Like what is the right thing to do. How to be assertive. How to behave honorably in the face of the dishonorable. How to extricate yourself from bad people and not look back. Teach you right from wrong.
Some parents teach only a few of these things. Some teach well but then it is a case of Do as I say, NOT as I do. That is no lesson to give a child.
All these are things your Mom and your Dad if he is present should be doing FOR YOU.
As soon as you have to start doing these things for yourself as a child THAT is when one can see a Parent failing to provide the essentials as a parent.
No child deserves a childhood where they are forced to provide for themselves the essentials that are not their responsibility to provide. It is utterly unfair and it leaves a legacy of hurt.
You can rise above all this pain.
It SHOULD leave the parent feeling guilty, but sadly it often does not.
As a five year old my parents fighting would distress me. I would try to intervene. Can you imagine a little five year old trying to keep two adults apart to stop them physically fighting. And was I appreciated for trying to stop the screaming and shouting? No way. I was blamed as the cause of the fight. This is cruel parenting.
What helped me was 12 months of counselling when I was an older teenager. It helped me to realise that all the fighting was never my fault. They had their own issues that they refused to deal with. They also probably stopped loving each other a long time earlier.
I kept hoping and hoping things would change. If you Mother is willing to attend some joint counselling with you to expose and work on any issues between the two of you then do try that. Then there will be Hope that this can be resolved so it is Mutually Supportive to both of you.
My tactic was to develop other people as my role models. It made me stronger and I felt so much happier as I realised that real people do not slam doors every night until the wall detaches from the door jam. Do not throw food across the table and breakable dishes at each other. Do not scream obsenities at the tops of their voices until the Police arrive. Do not drink until unable to get up off the floor. Do not say incredibly cruel things to each other, just to hurt the other deeply.
IMHO real people are peaceful and kind and considerate towards others.
Real people do not put up with Toxic people acting like only those Toxic people who think they know all the answers, while denigrating anything you dare to say.
I resolved to be nothing like my Mom when I became a Mom. I do hope that you can be more successful than I was.
But the idea that I would have to put up with a lifetime of nastiness just to spend time with my Mom was a price too big to pay for the non-privelege of being hurt like that over and over again.
You do not have to be perfect to enjoy your Mom's consideration and care and love.
You should not have to jump through hoops to enjoys your Mom's support. You have a right to it anyway.
You do not have to suffer a regime that is insufferably suffocating.
People bring children into the world to support and encourage their children to have the confidence and skills to stand on their own two meet and survive.
Confidence and Hope and Encouragement are things a child deserves to receive in spades from a parent. Even if the child goes on to greater things than the parent.
I always feel sad when I see high achieving parents and yet their children seem too scared to say boo and seem timid and scared that they will make a mistake.
It is OK to make mistakes sometimes. That is how we learn to do it better next time.
Children learn to doubt themselves by how they are acclimatized to the world, what they see, what they endure and experience and the lies they are told about what they are alleged to be capable or / or alleged to NOT be capable of.
Go forward confidently and bravely knowing you are loved should be the thought every child should hold as a truth in their heart. But some parents seem to prefer the opposite for their children.
Be proud of you and what you have identified as a problem you want to resolve. That is very very admirable of you. It is a goal worth trying to reach.
Parents are ofen right and have the wisdom and the experience on their side. Most times. But not always. Parents do not have Super-Human powers. But one hopes that a Good parent will always want to do the best for their child.
Because I will suggest that sometimes parents are wrong and get it wrong and worse, some parents refuse to admit that this is also true.
...............................
A
female
reader, daniellexxxx  +, writes (24 April 2012):
 Hi.. Well if your mum is clearly not making any effort to contact you and its always you doing the messaging.. I suggest leaveing her for a few days, weeks see if she gets in contact if she doesn't I don't know what to suggest.. You have said much about your childhood there for I don't know how you where raised and where you once close and now not or have you never being close?
I do believe some parents just don't have the emotion to love there children not saying your mother doesn't.. Just seems like she has her own issues try talk.. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, collegeguy1989 +, writes (24 April 2012):
maybe you can go to the movies? That way afterwards you guys can talk about the movie and go from there? what does she usually say back in ur letters? You could just be up front about it and say that you want to hang out with her more?
...............................
|
