A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m 18 years old, my boyfriend is 20. We’ve been dating for two years, with our share of ups and downs but lately he’s been acting a lot different.It all started when I left for college, it’s 2 hours away from home. The first week was fine and I came home and spent the first weekend of college with him. We fought a lot and after that weekend, he said he said he wanted to break up with me. I continued coming home for the following weekends and he continued to tell me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me. He said he didn’t have reasons, just that his feelings changed. We took a series of ‘breaks,’ which were basically a week of not talking much then a weekend together. I spent all the time in between seeing him crying and depressed. I’ve suffered from severe depression since I was 13 and all of this with him has just made it worse but if I don’t have him, it’s bad too. There’s no way to win.Anyways, a couple weeks ago he decided he wants to be with me still and wants to make it work. But he hardly ever texts, calls or talks to me at all. I make the effort but he always says he’ll ‘talk to me later.’ He says he’s still not sure if he wants a girlfriend anyways. He told me I'm clingy. It's not that I'm clingy, he just will never give me the time of day so I get upset. It breaks my heart and sometimes I think I should just break up with him but I can’t bring myself to do it. College hasn’t gone the way I wanted and he’s really the only thing I have to hold on too.He’s just changed so much, he’s so different from the guy I fell in love with. He treats me like I have no feelings and never cares but then when I’m with him, everything is how it always was. It’s that fact that keeps me in this relationship, even though I know it’s probably not best for me and I know I shouldn’t be tied down so young.I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to break up with him or talk to him less but I can’t. I know I’m desperate, pathetic and clingy and I told myself I’d never be one of those loser girls who stays with a jerk boyfriend out of desperation but I just can’t get away from him. I feel like I need him and I know I want him. I’m sorry this is so long.How do I break up with him and get over it? It just doesn't seem possible.Or how can I make him want me the way he used too?Please help. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Oh and for the poster and all those true music officinados (and anyone else who can remember the 70's) the lyrics were "My Turn" by Diana Ross (whole link)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj1KM0UY8wE&feature=related
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): The world for you has just got a whole lot bigger than your hometown I suspect you may be meeting other people from around the the State, the US or even the World , and you've probably related stories to him of what you've enjoyed about college . He on the other hand may live local and may have a fairly narrow social circle, he sees his clearlty smart girlfriend away enjoying college life and may feel abandoned left out, as you said yourself the problems only really surfaced when you moved away.
If as I presume you are at college all week, he has got used to you blowing in at weekends when you want to spend the whole weekend with him as you try to get as much time with him as possible, to him you are probably clingy as he may have things he has to do at weekends ie those things through work he can't do during the week, whereas before he may have seen you intermittently throughout the week and possibly saw you in his free moments as well.
He is clearly confused and whereas I don't think the depression is a major factor the conflicting signals he is giving you is causing you to not no whether you are coming or going in the relationship. The truth his I honestly don't think he is treating you bad I just think he genuinely doesn't know himself what he wants, he seems more confused and part of him is saying it's over and he should let you go and leave while he still has a heart left the other tells him he still cares for you. His behaviour may simply be that he is having to adjust his emotions between when you are there and when you are away.
As for college not going so well you don't say whether it is relationships at college the course of study or both...being away every weekend won't help with the relationship aspects as socialising is part of the college scene and a time when you cement friendships with those who understand the stresses and strains of college life and can be there to offer the support you need to get you through some dreary lectures or seminars and can help you out with course work, also the problems at home are going to make you take your eye off the ball with regard to college work and make you want to return home to sort things out, you end up hating your existence at college. Just remember you wanted to go to college it is a passport to a better life and sets you up for the future you will always have the qualification...for life boyfriends will come and go take it from me if you give up college you will regret it...
I perceive the choice you have is really one between the past and the present and it is a difficult one you can accept the challenges that college life brings and adjust the relationship you have with your boyfriend to that or accept you can no longer continue going steady (by all accounts you will remain friends) Or you can come home and try to continue where you left off before you went to college in other words you have a choice to either spread your wings and fly or come back to the nest and hope everything will be as it was
Before you make that choice think about this
Your yearning to have things as they were reminded me of something I read I remember reading a critique of the David Bowie song "Changes", (which is relevant to the situation you find yourself in).
I fail to remember who the writer was but the gist of what he wrote was that we change every day. Who we were yesterday at bedtime, is slightly different to who we are when we wake up. The writers conclusion was Such is life, such is time, such is change.
Bowie's own words in the song were "time may change me but you can’t trace time".
In other words you cant turn back the clock "Time marches on"
I am a great believer in the power of music so forgive me if it isnt youre genre but I want to leave you with the words of a song which helped me.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I can't cover up my feelings in the name of love
Or play it safe for a while, that was easy
And if living for myself is what I'm guilty of
Go on and sentence me, I'll still be free
It's my turn to see what I can see
I hope you'll understand this time's just for me
Because it's my turn with no apologies
I've given up the truth to those I've tried to please
But now it's my turn if I don't have all the answers
At least i know I'll take my share of chances
Ain't no use of holding on when nothing stays the same
So I’ll let it rain 'cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go though I know it won't be easy
It's my turn with no more room for lies
For years I'd seen my life through someone else's eyes
And now it's my turn to try and find my way
And if I should get lost at least I'll own today
It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
And there ain't no use in holding on when nothing stays the same
So I'll let it rain 'cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go though I know it won't be easy
It's my turn to see what I can see
I hope you'll understand this time's just for me
Because it's my turn to turn and say goodbye
I sure would like to know that you're still on my side
Because it's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn to start from number one
Trying to undo some damage that's been done
But now it's my turn to reach and touch the sky
No one's gonna say at least I didn't try
It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn...
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 October 2008):
I think you are smart enough to know what you have to do. There is no magic wand to make your relationship go back to how it was.
I know this is not what you want to hear but it really sounds like he only liked you because you were there. As soon as you didn't see him for 5 days his mind switched off you. That is not the action of a man who was deeply in love.
Tell him that you can't be in this kind of relationship as it is hurting you and affecting your health.
Then you just have to suck it up and be strong.
Luckily - you have just started college so you are going to have a million things to do to fill your time and cheer you up. Make new friends, buy new books, join a million societies and clubs and fill your evenings and weekends so full of fun stuff that you don't have time to miss him.
Most of all, make sure yo have help. Talk to your housemates and tell them to give you a smack when ever you start talking about how great he was back in the day or how you want to talk to him "just to see how he is" or to be friends again or how you miss him. Don't let them let you get back into this relationship. Once it has gone it has gone.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Take a deep breath, b/c you're going to need to find zen.
It will make you feel a little bit better to know that you are handling a difficult situation with grace, so try your hardest to do that.
Your relationship isn't working. Maybe it's the distance, maybe you grew apart, maybe it could work again in the future -- who knows. What is very, very clear is that you do not currently have a relationship that is worth having. And, in general, it is always best to walk away with grace and dignity, as friends, from these sorts of situations. (When I say "as friends," I mean only that you don't hate each other yet for all the pain you've caused one another -- not that you actually stay close friends who talk all the time, b/c that's not the point of a break-up.)
You need to tell yourself for several hours that things just aren't working the way they should be working. (Try not to let yourself get sidetracked by the despair of not knowing WHY they're not working, and just focus on the fact that they. are. not. working.) Then you need to immediately speak with your boyfriend and tell him that the time has come for the two of you to end your relationship. Things aren't working the way they should, and you both deserve better. Maybe with time apart to grow on your own (measured in months and years, not days and weeks) you will be able to figure out why things went the way they did, and maybe you won't. Either way, now is a time when each of you needs to be on your own, to grow and develop and deal with the heartache that will follow from this break-up.
Then walk away. Don't stay to talk it out. Tell him you can't. Tell him you think you both need time to just be on your own. If he has something to say, and it's still on his mind in a couple of months, he can say it then.
As for the process of getting over the break-up, it will suck. Stock up on movies and tylenol pm, and try to spend as much time as possible with girlfriends. Give yourself a couple of weeks to just cry about it and be morose. It will be worst at night, which is where the tylenol pm comes in handy -- take a couple a few hrs before your normal bed time, and try to stick to a somewhat normal sleep schedule. Go to the gym if you can; it really will make you feel better, at least for a few minutes.
There will be stages, so be prepared for that. After you cry yourself to sleep every night for a week or two, you will just feel like there's a giant hole inside of you. But eventually, you will start to feel angry with him for not treating you better in the end, or angry with fate that things couldn't work out differently. That's good, bc it means your grief is progressing. When that happens, grab on to it -- make yourself a cd of angry rock songs about ppl who've been through break-ups, and listen to it non-stop.
And whenever possible, even though you feel awful, try to appear like you feel okay. Give the appearance of still having a life, etc. It's important to talk about things with your friends from time to time, but it's more important that you just make yourself go through the motions of being okay. After a while (again, probably measured in weeks or months, not days), you will start to feel closer to okay. A day will come when you make it all the way into the shower before you think of him and how much pain you're feeling (instead of it being the first thought on your mind when you wake up), and slowly ... slowly, you'll move on.
Good luck.
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