A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this to help.How do you move forwards after your husband has betrayed your trust? He has, in my eyes, emotionally cheated on me with another woman who he messaged more than he's bothered messaging me in years and makes more of an effort to listen to her than he has bothered with me. I was beyond even crying - I was so broken that I couldn't even cry.He realised my point of view, but I am so angry that I can't bear to look at him or be near him. Last night I wanted to leave the house just to get away from him but he was in tears and begged me to stay. He isn't a man who ever looks at other women, and I have always trusted him. I just had a gut feeling about him and this woman and I was proved right. No matter what he says I just want to scream at him, even making me question whether we should be together because I hate how he has made me feel. I feel guilty for shouting at him, I feel like a clingy jealous wife for demanding to look at his phone and I feel destroyed to have seen thsee flirty message's and little jokes between them and just how he says he didn't realise it was coming across as flirting. He's made me feel like the least important person in his life and just out of spite I don't want to be here when he gets home. At the same time I have a lot more I want to question him over but know nothing he says is going to make me feel better.How do you move forwards from this place of feeling so full of hate and hurt? We have been together over a decade and I feel like our relationship is crumbling away, he did finally recognise how he has taken me for granted but what now? I know for a fact nothing physical happened but I am still hurting and can't bear the thought of even coming across her myself because I know I will be abrupt and rude to her. I feel like he's made a mockery of our marriage by allowing himself to create such a close relationship with another woman, and a mockery of me.Sorry for ranting I am still so emotional about this and probably make little sense.If anyone can offer advice about how I can move forwards I would greatly appreciate it. Also, I have wrote this on my phone so apologise for any spelling/grammar errors.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): Thank you to all who replied, each one of you has given me a bit of comfort and food for thought on the situation.I didn't leave yesterday, but was out when he got home (it sounds pathetic but I couldnt even go to work, I have been depressed in the past and felt myself slipping back into that numb, dark place and have had to take a couple of days to heal myself mentally). After reading your replies I did feel calmer, and it was nice to have that validation it's ok to feel this way. I am generally a happy, tolerant person but he admitted he was taking me for granted. Not very long ago we had a rough patch where again I felt like I was putting in all the effort for our conversation and in the relationship. He can have issues with social, emotional and communication - such as misreading social cues and communication and I do believe him when he says because he knew it was just friends he couldn't see how I would think differently. It's very slightly like the theory of mind issue linked to Autism/Aspergers - because in his head he knew he saw this person as a friend he couldn't imagine it being seen in any other way. It didn't even occur to him. I ended up having to show him some articles on emotional cheating and it hit him hard suddenly about why I would feel he has done this and he is sorry because he instantly saw that he has acted inconsideratly towards me. I was ok but then got upset again this morning, not as bad as a I was and I feel there will be a bit of a rollercoaster ride to work through this but he is committed to resolve this however we can. He witnessed me a broken woman and he has never seen that, and knew it was a result of his choices and actions. I know some have said I should look at my part in the relationship, but I've given my all - whilst I recognise some people might go and do this because their spouse is nagging, on their back or even become distant and disinterested not a day goes by when I don't thank him for something he's done, have a laugh together or other little things that make our relationship ours. In this instance, he knows he's hurt me even more so because it was barely 6 months ago he noticed he was distant and said he wanted to make sure I knew what I meant to him - now this has happened. He now realises marriage doesn't just 'work'. But that if he wants us to work then he has to play a part in it.Thank you all x
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 The best thing that you can do at this very moment is to pack a bag and go away for a few days, to a friend, or a motel or anywhere that is away from your husband. You are hurting and you need some space to get your head around what has happened. Allow yourself some time to cool off and think about what has happened. Yes you are going to be angry, annoyed, hurt, upset, hysterical. But you need to allow yourself to feel these emotions and try and deal with them, once you are calmer you can return to your husband and talk things over. Talking will help once you have calmed, and you can hopefully both talk about why he has done this and how you are going to get through it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (11 July 2016):
You express the hurt that anyone feels in this situation so eloquently, anyone who has been betrayed and cheated on in any way - physically, emotionally, will read this and totally connect with how you are feeling right now. I just wanted you to know that. As for the future - I would absolutely suggest couples counselling. Something between you hasn't been right for this to occur, that's not to say there's blame on your part because there isnt- the blame is on him for his actions- but to regain the trust and solidity your relationship had needs work from you both once you have decided you want that of course
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): My gosh, my dear lady; your venting is not ranting. It is expressing your pain. This is a very healthy outlet. It allows you to unload all the inner-hostility; so your mind returns to reason, and the anger is diffused. You are human, and should freely purge your hurt feelings; so that you will not internalize them. That is very toxic. It will eat-away at your soul, and make you contemplate all sorts of vindication and cruelties that are out of character. So release, tell us exactly how you feel. Spill it!
Perhaps it may be better not to speak to him now. He will only stir more anger by trying to force your forgiveness and downplay what he has done to your marriage and your trust. He needs time to introspect, without your angry words to side-track you from finding out what you really need to know. Why did this happen, and what is the state of your marriage? What has broken-down in your communication, and why did he feel he needed to go elsewhere for what he should already have? You must also introspect, but do not be quick to take all the blame. Do not allow this to make you feel it is your fault. It's his fault. If he had a problem, he should have come to you first. You're his wife.
You shouldn't "bear the pain." You fight it with all you have. You maintain dignity and poise, in the face of it. You struggle out from under it. There is relief on the other side of this. All storms come to an end.
You do not allow these things to rob you of your peace; nor do you allow anger to overrule your reasoning. You did not mention if you have children? Your inability to communicate or talk to him at the moment, is due to shock. You must compose yourself; because you will eventually have to speak to him. Your anger will only make you scream and resort to verbal-abuse, and that is allowable to some degree. He should realize your wrath, pain, and contempt; but not if you are in a rage. More is said than truly meant when you allow rage to take hold of you. Nor is silence and passive-aggressive behavior a truly mature way to handle this.
Perhaps you were able to intervene before things went any further than messaging. Temptation is bound to hit each and every marriage or relationship at some point. It may even happen to you personally. All humans are capable of mistakes, and we are all vulnerable to temptation. However; vows were made in order to make a promise to commitment, and we are bound by those words in matrimony. He slipped.
Fortunately; he got caught. It is up to you and your ability to forgive that will determine what you must do. It is his overall history and willingness to win back your trust that will decide the fate of your marriage. Forgiveness is the factor that will determine if the marriage is salvageable; and his committed effort to win back your trust is the only remedy that will make your marriage sustainable. Love is the fuel for all the actions involved here. If all efforts fail, and you cannot see forgiveness. You must end the marriage. It is no marriage, if you imprison him in your retribution. Cheating is cheating, and sex is the primary objective. Flirting outside the marriage is cheating. Flirting is an open invitation to more.
When your composure has returned, I suggest you take a holiday and getaway from your home. Together, or alone.
Change the environment and atmosphere around you. You need a place to think. The purpose? To talk, not argue. It would be more productive to find a place to isolate yourselves from familiar surroundings. Allowing no place to escape. Right now, you are too angry and hurt. So practice what you plan to say. Set down ground-rules for the conversation, and determine if there is more going on than what you've found. He will deny everything. It's a natural defensive tactic to lie. That's self-preservation. You have to be prepared for the truth before you ask these questions. Be willing to listen, if you do ask questions. Establish with your spouse that the first step to regaining your trust is being truthful. If it doesn't feel like the truth, don't accept it. Your gut is all you have to go by, and it is what you will base forgiveness on. You can't read minds.
Once he makes a full confession. Give yourself time to absorb it. Your first impulse is to react with scorn.
That's a natural response, but self-control will get you more answers. Guilt urges him to be truthful, but it is hard. He will dodge your emotional-reactions by either avoiding communication, or lying. If he doesn't open-up and be willing to discuss this like two adults; consider marriage-counseling. Still set the ultimatum, that unless you can get facts, you will not rule-out divorce. If there is no trust, there is no marriage. Even if love remains, the love is suffering. I've been where you are, and I definitely know how it feels. I saved my relationship that one time, but it took a lot of work. I could actually see all his efforts, and I rewarded them with trust. That is not easy. He was a man of character, honesty, and kindness.
He never would have gotten a third chance, and he knew it.
To me, it was a measure of how much he really did love me.
He passed away several years ago, but he left love in me.
That was then, this is now. I will still forgive, but I will also let go. People must learn the value of trust; and that love is demonstrated through loyalty and commitment.
Divorce is a last resort. The first, if you are not a forgiving person, or he is a habitual liar. Ten years is a long time to just throwaway.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (11 July 2016):
i know it hurts very hard and right now all you need is comfort. But since you have asked for what to do..
So you need to think why he started relying for the tad bit of fun on some other woman. Now, I'm not saying it's your fault. Life happens and we get used to each other. You both miss out on sharing those lil jokes and flirting with each other. That's where all the hurt really comes from. Knowing that you are missing out on it.
You both need to take efforts to spark your relationship up, its probably been stagnant for a while. Make it interesting being with each other.
I advice so, since you say it yourself, that he doesn't look at other women as such. So all he probably is looking for, is a lil light hearted conversation. Just maybe, you need it to.
Figure out how to make things perky with each other.
Instead of seeing this as your big mockery, try considering this as an eye opener to help you work for you marriage.
Good luck to both of you :)
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Anger is a real feeling and must be felt but its wrong lash out at him. I think the only way you can heal is by staying with your feelings...the anger but also sadness. I think your anger is scaring him. He should know youre angry but right now your husband can only come back and hug you and make you feel safe is if you let him give to you.
I know this is hard to understand but THIS really isnt about the other woman. If there was no physical closeness, let it go. Its hard and youre married to him, but what I mean is...YOU are the woman he comes home to at night. Do you not realize how powerful a presence you are to him? A woman can change everything in any instance--by how she feels in any given situation.
I know youre angry but youre seeing yourself as a victim only. You need put on new lenses and see that YOU are his wife, his confidante, his lover, his everything---the other girl got flirty texts which should not have happened but what was your marriage lacking that made your man want to flirt with another woman? Look into who you are as a woman. Were you fullfilling his needs? Were you flirting with your own man? Were you giving yourself fully, sexually, emotionally, mentally to him? Men cheat because often times something is lacking in their relationship (fun, sex, excitement, joy). Not just men but women as well...everyone cheats when the emotional excitement is gone, if a partner is too serious or cold, if the sex has gone stale,etc Besides that point, were you allowing your man to give to you too? Were you pulling away or giving him the cold shoulder when he wanted to flirt or be naughty/fun with you? Men fall for women that they can give to...
Im not excusing his behavior but also see yourself as someone who can change all this. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM. Feel angry, feel sad, feel everything you do feel right now. Then tell him but dont throw a fit, show everyone esp your man that youre a emotional being but also intelligent, compassionate, and you can heal yourself. After you tell him how you feel (how you felt sad esp), let it all go and breathe and immediately turn things around by making you happy
Go out to the spa, dancing, read a book, talk to your friends, smile at people, love your family, fill your life with amazing things, laugh, feel joy, feel everything. Only thru this can you truly heal inside out. Only way to heal your marriage is thru YOU. And yes you can forgive him but you must forgive yourself first. You must self love first. You must be able to the person who can laugh, love, forgive. You must be able to soften even if you feel hard inside. You must be able to know you will be okay. YOu must be the woman that shines, the woman that he cant walk away from, the woman who HE needs forgiveness from the most because you are already everything to him and you can prove that by how well you can handle what he did
Be the woman that amazes him because you know you are a fountain of love and no matter what he did, you can handle it and you can continue to love and be love. Be the best part of you
Good luck sweetie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): This is the OP - the question title isn't mine; I think I put something like 'how do I move forwards' because I certainly don't want to bear this hurt I want to move forwards from it. I just don't have a clue how to do it.
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