A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I doing something wrong??? I am engaged to an amazing woman, who is also a mother. I also am a woman, no kids though. Our relationship for the most part is beautiful. We are approaching 3 years and an upcoming wedding. The problem is my fiancee and her teenage son (14) doesn't get along at all. When they talk they argue. Since I am not a parent I do realize it's a lot I do not know about children and parenting. I formed the idea in my head that when we move in, we'd be one big happy family...play board games, video games, outings, and ect. But since moving in there's been nothing but constant arguing or constant silence between the two of them. I'm always being the peacemaker between the two, telling the other, the other is not so bad and explaining giving understanding. My fiancee has told family members about her sons behavior. True, he has been rude, disrespectful, disobedient, lazy,irresponsible even dishonest at times. My fiancee yells at him when he make mistakes, or if she's frustrated at one of the previously mentioned things he does. They both say some very hurtful comments to each other. The family (grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin) talked to the son yet the behavior continues. My relationship with my to be stepson is much better than his with his actual mom. But of course I dont try to be too strict on him seeing he is not my legal son and I'm only engaged to his mom. I do guide him though. I listen to him, movitate him, and support him. I let him know when he is out of line. We have open honest conversations and I allow him to express himself without judging him or getting upset with something he's said. His mom has said our relationship is weird because he respects me and does what I ask but he doesnt respect her or does what she ask. I explained to my fiancee my relationship with him is more like a grandmother or aunt who are not going to be as strict as the actual mom but still be a link to support the parenting style of the mom. My fiancee works tremendous hours and hardly ever home, if she's home leave her be because she's resting. But if she does happen to actually be off, then still she doesn't have time to spend with her son one on one its we're going over such and such house and he's dragged along to a place where she gets to relax and unwind with family. He spends much of the day afterschool by himself until I come home almost 7 hours later. So hes pretty much isolated and bored much of the day even with cellphones. I told my fiancee she should spend more time with him. She said he should be in the bed sleep not trying to talk when she get off, and plus if he is awake she is too tired and not in the mood to listen to him. I know we all need someone to hear us out, like me right now. So when I get off I talk to him and listen to him, make sure hes okay. My fiancee gets real aggravated when I tell her maybe she should try this or that to better their relationship. She feels like he needs to do more, and her son feels the same way when I ask him about his mom. I really dont know what to do. I live in a very unhomey home. I've tried bringing them closer but it always fail. My fiancee gives up and becomes frustrated and her son avoids her. Now I feel some type of way because her son has a much better relationship with me than her and I dont want it to depress her and I'm not sure what to do. She doesnt listen to my advice. I told her she should take 5 minutes before she goes to bed to check on her son ask about his day. She said when she have time when shes off, she'll talk with him. He ask to read her something two nights not consecutive and she responded she doesnt want to hear it. Then one weekend someone asked her to ask him about it, and he responded he doesnt feel like sharing. I told my fiancee her son isn't a fool. He knew she wasnt being genuine so he didnt want to share. He knew she was doing it because she was in front of people. He said she does that a lot. Care in public but dont care privately. Plus I have noticed my fiancee son gets sad whenever me and him are sending time together and my fiancee calls. I have also noticed my fiancee get frustrated and get off the phone if I am sending time with her son when she calls. I love my fiancee but am not sure how to proceed forward with this. Oh and her son does talk to his dad regularly and see him on weekends or every other weekend they're relationship is great. However my fiancee and her child's father have a rather toxic name calling cursing relationship. My fiancee has told me to keep her out of my relationship with her son because she doesn't want to know. So my question is where do I go from here? How do I deal with this situation? How do I be there for both my fiancee and my soon to be stepson?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 You appear to be dealing with TWO petulant children, not one - your fiancee AND her son.
Her son's behaviour is no surprise at all. He is being a typical teenager. He will not tolerate insincerity (his mother pretending to be a caring parent for the benefit of her friends) when he knows it is all put on purely for effect, especially when she hurts him so much by denying him attention when he really wants/needs it in private. Teenagers usually "tell it as it is" and refuse to play along with games. Your fiancee cannot expect him to cover for her bad parenting in front of her friends. He does not feel he owes her any loyalty on that score because she has not earned it. You, on the other hand, make time for him and treat him like someone worthwhile. His mother needs to wake up and realize respect is EARNED. She is doing NOTHING to earn it at the moment.
Obviously we don't know what HER problems are. She obviously has some otherwise she would not treat her only child so heartlessly. Did she had a rough upbringing herself? Is she taking out her hatred for his father on her son? There must obviously have been a time when she and her ex felt something akin to affection, or even love, to have created the child they share. It obviously all went wrong but that is not the child's fault.
Your fiancee's son is not YOUR responsibility, although you have stepped up and taken on the role his mother should be playing. I have to ask, what is it about your fiancee you think is so wonderful? She works long hours so you and her son hardly see her. When she has time off, she goes to other people's houses rather than spending quality time with you and her son. It's been 3 years and you have not managed to change anything so I can pretty much guarantee things will not change in the future either. Is this really what you think is so wonderful?
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 I am a single mom and my son will be 14 in two months. I can totally relate. I have talked to other parents about the woes of raising teenagers. The conclusion we come to is that we do not take it personally when a lot of anger is directed at us. This is a phase kids go through and by the time we've spent money on therapy sessions, read 4 self help books, kids become adults. Time goes by fast but during the mean time it is very important to build this connection. Your fiance should not rely on you to be the mom.
The main problem is that your son is bored and directionless in life. If he does not have a talent in sports or a specific academic interest, he will feel insecure and without a place in the world.
One thing I want to ask is, has their relationship always been like this since day one or did it turn turbulent because he is experiencing his crazy adolescent hormones? My son was sweet, he always said he loved me, hugged me up until he was 11. Then something changed. Suddenly I became a horrible mother. Everything I did was wrong. I was delusional when I made mistakes such as ordering the wrong food or missing a turn when I drove. I talked to a therapist who suggested me to accept his anger and be there to listen to him. I found that when I accepted him, I had compassion for him and his out of control emotions. I no longer feel the shock when he goes into one of his episodes. Slowly and slowly I am able to be his emotional coach.
The reason why he respects you but not his mom is because he is blaming everything on his mother but not appreciating how hard she works to provide for him. He doesn't appreciate the fact that when one works more than full time, there is hardly any energy left to be a full time mom at home. It is a sad reality that in Japan, you can not only rent boyfriends and girlfriends, but also family members when your real family becomes estranged. There is no motivation to do anything if it doesn't involve money. Her son is angry, and rightfully so, he thinks. She brought him into this cruel world when she's actually a lesbian. She deprived him of an intact family. She brought him into this world where you either sacrifice a high income or family time. The shit that comes out of his mouth is rage against this unfair world, but mostly it is to express a need that is not being met.
You sound like you are going to be there for them no matter what. There is no sense of doubt whether this wedding is going to happen. Bless you for taking on a challenge, which could be a valuable life learning experience for you. One thing that your fiance needs to hear is that her son needs her to be a mom. Perhaps her emotions are shut off right now in order to survive, to be tough. She needs to open up that vulnerability, and imagine herself to be a little girl again needing that same love.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 September 2019):
 Ok this question has sat unanswered too long. The number one reason is that it is a huge intimidating wall of text. Next post break it up into paragraphs.
There are several dynamics at work here some of them you have already covered. He needs adult time to model his behavior as an emerging adult. He is happy to get that time with Dad and you. He is a 14 year old testing boundaries. This is typical but frustrating for your fiance.
Here is one you haven't mentioned. He looks like his dad and because of that when your fiance sees him she sees his dad and withdraws. That's a problem. No person will be happy when they are being punished for another persons crimes.
Another, Your fiance is the court appointed custodial parent, but she is failing in those duties. She actively avoids interacting with her son. That is not healthy, mostly because it is a very poor example of adulting.
My advice to you:
Keep doing what you are doing, being available, being a role model.
Stop being a go between. If they need to talk they need to not have you in the middle. You need to refuse to carry messages because that will force interaction.
My advice to your Fiance:
Be a better parent, don't shrug off your duty because it is inconvenient. Set up one on one time with your son at least 2 hours every 2 weeks. Preferably more. Be interested in what he is doing.
Stop pushing your fiance away. You will share a life together. You need to parent together, with a united front. Your son needs that solidity. Your fiance needs that connection and support.
My advice to your fiance's son:
Be clear in expressing your needs. "I need you to look this over and sign it today." "I need to feel accepted by you", "I need to talk to my dad about that" Clear precise statements.
Don't test boundaries. Ask for clarification as needed, but respect reasonable rules. Build bridges in your family relationships. Be there , be helpful.
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