A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am anxious about sex and don't know what to do about it. I've always been nervous about it, because my family is somewhat strait-laced. Then, when I was a teenager, an old man once grabbed me in the market and kissed my cheek. That completely freaked me out, not so much the kiss, which didn't hurt me, but because I realized how little defense I had against it. I had always known to be careful of men who take advantage. I had even taken self-defense courses against violence. But at that market, I was completely taken by surprise! I just stood there and took it, and afterwards, I ran away. I told my best friend about it, and she just said, "Ew, gross". I emailed some other friends, and they never even replied.Then last year, my doctor groped me. Again, I was in shock, and I ran away. Later, I phoned him and told him off (though not as sternly as I would have liked). I got my courage together and went back and demanded all my money back. And I've never been back there. I feel good about that, but still, I wonder: Why do I never see this coming? Why can I never do anything about it?I am thirty years old and still a virgin. I think it's because I am so scared of putting myself in a vulnerable position with a man -- even though I realize that 'protecting myself' has not protected me at all.I've been on dates but never found 'the one'. I worry that I may never find him because I run away whenever I think things might get intimate. Plus, at my age, I am pretty sure that any man would assume that I have experience, so I don't want to be embarrassed by explaining that I don't, and then even more embarrassed by explaining why not.Is there anything I can do by myself? I don't want to see a therapist for various reasons. What should I do to get over this fear?
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best friend, money, still a virgin, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, applebrown78 +, writes (14 August 2009):
Sad thing is that whether virgin or not men will always test bounderies. When ur harder to get they work harder for it. Its a game of cat and mouse. Not feelings. If you were to star having sleep around ull see that the rules will still apply with more added enhancements. Just adapt to the natures of men as is, don't try to figure out why because ull be chasing ur tail :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): It must be hard to be virgin I'm a society where its not as valuable...men can get it and expect it during dating. Having sex doesn't guarantee true intimacy or future of a serious relationship. Exploring ur sexuality will just open you up to a different reality. You'll see why people are so irrational, I'm sure ur wonder why people act crazy over this sexy craze! You'll prob understand those love songz. But what will also change is that you'll find urself needing a therapist afterwards because now ur alone but sex will make you a slave to ur desires! Ur feel more alone because you will have given up urself! And the purity of mind you have right now will be will be polluted. Ur special. Ur body is a temple. Don't give in to societal pressures, its all an illusian. Just watch tv, work with teenagers, write a blog, or volunteer. Ur purity of mind is needed in this society.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 July 2009):
 Honey, you need to speak to a professional therapist about this fear. This is serious and is affecting your quality of life. Therapists are really easy to speak with they are trained to deal with these things. Perhaps if you found a female therapist you wouldn't feel as vulnerable discussing this with her. Please consider it anyway. Keep us posted.
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