A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just recently ended my 3rd serious relationship. We were long distance and he was very selfish and emotionally abusive. However, the pattern remains the same. I meet a guy, we get attached very quickly, after a month or so he says he loves me, then brings up marriage, and usually by 3 or 4 months, he is done and ALL of these promises just crash and burn. I am a successful, independent woman. I have a college degree, full time job, and own my own place. However, I always seem to date guys that are NOT at the same place maturity that I am. And all of my independence and confidence seems to vanish when I get in a relationship. I am just so taken by the fact that someone would want to be with me, that I become a doormat and lose myself in the relationship. I have a hard time opening up and trusting someone to care because my dad was not that emotionally available and trivialized my worries growing up. But all of these guys I've dated seem to do the same thing. My last BF encouraged me to open up, then complained I was "bringing him down" after 2 days I told him work was rough....Each of my exes has proclaimed at some time that I am too good for them and they know they could screw it up somehow...I am so sick of hearing this. How do I attract and choose the right men?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (29 December 2015):
1 - Deal head on with your issues with your father. I dont know a single LTR woman with daddy issues. Not a single one.
2 - Stop attracting bad boys.
3 - Give the beta guy a chance. He may be just what your looking for, if what you say is really what you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): The good thing is that you have ended these destructive relationships fairly quickly and the bad thing is that it seems to be a repeating cycle.
You could start by making sure that you are not quickly drawn to a flirtatious uber charming jump -in- the- sack sort.
When you give out clear signals that you will not be worth cracking they may take their nut crackers elsewhere.
Because you are successful and independant they are seeing you as an enabler, someone who will prop up their lives without too much complaint for the price of a sustained amount of flattery and fake friendship.
They may even put their hands in their pocket first , knowing they should be able to get further trust from you and as an attempt to convince you that they are genuine in starting a relationship with mutual boundaries.
Did you ever act as an enabler for your dad?
Accepting past bad behaviour makes us more susceptible to allowing it in another relationship.
If you put your foot down and say "no, that is not acceptable to me ," then you can take it from there.
A true badboy will try to push their luck by amping the scenario up but it is best to deal with it by calling the police when safety barriers have been abandoned and before you get hurt.
If the bloke has the grace to apologise then you could give him one chance on a never repeat it basis.
But do you need the hassle...you are looking for a man and not training a puppy.
You need someone who has integrity similar to your own.
You could ask your doctor to find you some free counselling so that you can understand what is drawing you to abusive partners.
You really need this help.
Dont underestimate it because fout times is way too much in your young life and some of these abusive charmers are dangerous.
But the saddest part was hearing that these men can make you lose your confidence.
Decide to go man-free for a year and take counselling and follow on treatment or offers such as being part of a womans group or volunteering for one.
You are still young , childless and unattached so there is a lot of hope that you could find a wonderful ,loving caring partner that will be reciprocatingly interested in your life.
Beta type men generally are the kinder listening sort.
Alpha type men need to be the centre of attention and have little time for their partners feelings or achievement..they just want someone to either make it all better or make it all ?ook better and they will try to convince you that they are doing you a favour while you bust your guts for them on an organisational, emotional or financial level.
If you think what youd like from a husband and father to your children you will see that you are better off with someone who doesnt undermine you and keeps your confidence high and i believe you have plenty of time to find that perfect -for-you man.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 December 2015):
That's the question of the ages, isn't it? We all want to attract compatible people.
Anyway, what I'd recommend is going to a counselor/therapist to sort out those insecurity issues that pop up whenever you're in a relationship. You've got a lot going for you, so why are you still surprised someone would want you?
Doormats cultivate abusive behavior. It shouldn't be that way, but it's in many people's nature to treat people worse if they can. Basically, if you tolerate bad behavior, it will continue to happen to you.
I think we all do this to other people in some small degree. Take that friend who always forgives everything you do. After a while you may find it easier to show up late, etc. because they've always forgiven you and never gotten mad. You start taking them for granted. Etc. This is what happens in your relationships. You lower your standards and people walk allover you.
So sit down and map out your own boundaries. If you don't know what they are, map out the boundaries for what you think your best friend should put up with in a relationships. Those are your true boundaries. Once you get that done, make a deal with yourself (or maybe some friends if that helps) to never let anyone cross them. And then stick to it as if it were the law. Because from now on, it is. And if that means you'll gain his disapproval, so be it.
Okay, so now we've got that out of the way, it's time for an honest self evaluation. Because a lot of times, relationships end because of two people, them AND you. For example, you mention complaining about work. Was it really as insignificant as you describe or did you go on quite a bit? Be honest. Write it down. Comb through your own habits and personality.
Once I set my ego aside and did that I learned a lot about myself that I could improve.
Also, when you meet someone and start to like them, try to identify what exactly makes them desirable to you. Write it down and see if there are any patterns.
Lastly, try to reign yourself (and maybe him) in when you start a relationship. Just ease into it and don't be quick to throw ten dollar words like "love" at him.
Hope this helps
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