A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid Readers… Here’s my question.My de-facto relationship status of 2yrs and 7mths is at a dismal end and I'd like to know how to ask my partner (D) to leave without causing or having any detrimental repercussions to my property assets?For the last few months I have been feeling anxious to have D out of my home as I can no longer tolerate his peddling misery show personality. Thus I have no problems with moving on to the next phase of breaking up. There are no joint assets, D has never made any financial contribution to my property nor, are there any children to consider; only a chance of reprisal if he thinks he's been hard done by.Presently, we are recovering from our last heated argument 2 weeks ago. Where I was quietly watching the Australian Tennis Open and D 'erupted' with an obnoxious opinion over a particular player still participating in the sport and the sport itself…Somehow it escalated into something more where I was telling him, it’s over and to get out. Not doubt my sub-conscience was working overtime when I simply wanted his peddling misery channel to stop. We since have calmed down from that episode, but are in a raw state of emotions.I think it would be a bit too soon to calmly suggest he move out for fear of any further verbal abusive reaction on both our parts. So what should I be doing in the meanwhile without sending D mixed messages that all is well? As I remain loyal and keep to my normal household duties to date.Looking forward to your advice Cupid…Thank You
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Dear Agony Aunts,
If you've been wondering about the outcome to; How do I ask my parnter to leave... I've decided to write him a letter explaining in short and without blame as to how miserable I've been, while asking me to leave with a bit of hope and offer to help him move out.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 February 2010):
The best thing you can do is speak to a lawyer. You need to know exactly where you stand. The good news is if he has made no contribution at all, I would have thought that you would be in a very good position.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Hello there!
First of all, I am not a lawyer! So bear in mind that my advice about your property situation is to be taken with a handful of salt. However, if the property remains in your name, and he has not made any financial contribution, I would have thought that there would be no threat from D in terms of a legal claim.
However, it sounds as though what you are really frightened of is a reprisal from him in terms of destructive or aggressive behaviour towards you or your property. Forgive me for saying this, but it speaks volumes about this man that this is even an issue. You should NOT have to deal with these kinds of fears when you are thinking of ending a relationship. The fact is, it sounds as though your mind is entirely made up: you want out. All you should need to do is to state to him that you are no longer happy, and that you would like him to leave. You don't even have to give him a reason - and you certainly don't have to put up with a temper tantrum from him. And the situation is quite painful enough, without you having worries about your own, or your property's, security. You should know that you do not deserve this, and that it's completely out of line that you feel threatened in this way.
However, the reality is that you are dealing with someone who sounds petty and vindictive. Practically speaking, you need to protect yourself from him while you sort out alternative living arrangements. First of all, I would suggest that you check your buildings and contents cover on your house to make sure that you are fully covered in the event of any deliberate destruction on his part. Lock away anything valuable (financially, or in a sentimental sense) in a fireproof safe, or in the event that someone is too large, look to getting it moved out of the house to a friend's place for a short while.
If you are afraid for your personal safety, I would make sure that you have a male friend in attendance while you have The Conversation. He doesn't have to be in the room - just within calling distance. When you approach the subject, choose a time when you are both sober, fresh, and not under time pressure. It is very important that you try to stay as calm as possible and that you do not react to his outburst of emotion. Remember, you are entirely in control of your own emotions: he can't force you to be bitter or cross unless you cede that power to him. Refuse to let him make you mad! Whatever he does - whatever abuse he hurls, however he raises his voice - don't return it in kind. There is absolutely nothing to argue about here: your mind is made up. You don't need to score any points against him, you don't need to hear anything from him. The only thing you want from this conversation is for him to get the message that you need him out asap, and that this is not up for negotiation.
You don't say what your partner's living situation is. Does he have his own house? Would he be able to stay with friends for a while, if you asked him to move out? Is he well paid enough to afford to stay in a hotel or bed and breakfast for a time? If I were you, I would look to using every alternative to make the break as cleanly, and as quickly, as possible - even if that means inconveniencing him. He must realize that, legally, he does not have a leg to stand on. The power is all yours. He cannot refuse to leave - the moment you tell him that you do not want him there, he is trespassing on your property, and you can call the cops to forcibly eject him if need be. Similarly, the moment he becomes threatening or destructive, don't be afraid to call in some law enforcement backup!
Finally, have the number for a locksmith in your phone. The moment you hear that door close on him is the moment you call that number and get new keys so he can't get back into your life or your home.
I wish you all the best with this. Please stay safe and take all necessary precautions to ensure he cannot harm you or your property.
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