A
female
age
36-40,
*ourts4
writes:My husband and I are seperated at the moment, but he still sends me sms's. I want him to give me some breathing space. How can I tell him to give me some space ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): I initiated a separation from my husband two years ago. I actually moved out of state, because I knew a separation wouldn't work if I was accessible. I told him I needed space and I'd be back in 3 months and we'd discuss things.
His constant messages, flowers, cards, phone calls several times daily, etc., did not give me the psychological space I needed. How could I think about what I wanted to do, if I couldn't concentrate on that? Well, no matter how firm I was, telling him that his calls were making me more determined to stay away, he continued the calls anyway. He did limit then to certain hours or would ask me to call him instead. However, making my "duty" calls to him when I didn't want to talk to him, was still a form of manipulation, I think.
So, after a year of this, he finally took a leave from his job to follow me to the state I moved to! I consider us to be separated, but he considers us married... Believe me, if you are not getting the space you need to think now, you need to be extremely firm. Spell it out. Tell him you need enough of his absence and silence to miss him. If you don't miss him, then you have your answer.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 Be clear, be firm. Tell him that you need breathing room to help yourself heal and to make you feel closer to him. He's definitely going through a lot and is leaning on you for reassurance that things will improve and support. And perhaps that he thinks that he's actually making things better and that you enjoy the fact that he misses you so much that he wants to send you messages all the time.
Tell him that you NEED space to make your relationship right. Tell him to you room to miss him. Be clear. Be firm.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
female
reader, Courts4 +, writes (9 December 2009):
Courts4 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you
its not easy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I am also separated from my husband but he still comes over every day and sends messages and phones me even at 1am. The reason your husband is doing this is because he is afraid that the separation will become permanent if you learn to survive without him. So the best way to deal with him is to make him think his contact behaviour is worsening the situation. So you can tell him "when I get constant texts/calls from you, it just makes me feel even lousier and makes me go back to the beginning of our problems. I want complete space- no calls/texts to think about our issues and we can talk on Sunday. Please respect my wishes"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): what do you mean by space? seems like this is not a mere seperation for you, it is the end of the marriage?? more details please. why the seperation, and what is the time frame for re conciliation?
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