A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I would just like to know something about my husband that I dont understand. He is really a great guy. Easy going and not too full of nonsense. But what baffles me, is that when I ask him to do something, there is a procrastination. Though he is always willing to do it.Eg. I ask him to put the screws in one of my son's toys that was disassembled by him a while ago. (My hubby is playing computer games at the time of the question). "Sure" he says, "not a problem." Smiles at me and continues playing. 2 days later thing is still lying there cluttering up the living room. I ask again, nicely. He says oops, he has forgotten and he will get right on it. Later it is still there. It drives me nuts. I dont want to nag. I dont like doing that and i am sure he doesnt either.Then i go look for screw driver and try to do it myself. He comes into livingroom and gets upset with me, because he "told me he was going to do it". And "why are you doing it now?" If I explain that I asked you a week ago (and i do this in a non-blaming way!) and it really needs to get done, he says i should have asked him again.I feel frustrated because i had asked him a few times! And i dont want to become a nag! I tell him this, and he says i have to remind him again. When i say when does repeated reminding become nagging, he says when he tells me it does.Oh dear, it is the same with putting petrol in the car, and buying milk and bread, and putting the old stuff in the garage etc. I really try not to ask too many things. Some female friends of mine says it is just a male thing. IS that the case? Or should I be asking him differently? Is there a way to ask that would ensure that it got done?Is it some communication breakdown? Even if I asked him and he said No, I dont want to, or dont feel like it, THAT i would understand... We all feel like that some days. But he always says yes honey... And nothing happens.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Maybe next time he agrees to do something for you, you could get him to commit to a time? Such as, if he's playing a video game and you ask him to take out the garbage, you could say-- "when you get 10,000 more points could you pause the game and take out the trash? I really need it done now because... (your reason here)"
Or you could ask-- "when is a good time for you to refill the petrol?"
Once he has expended thought on scheduling the task, he might actually do it!
Another thing is to start the family on daily habits of doing tasks-- so set a timer 5 minutes before bedtime every night and have everybody start cleaning up as quick as they can (like a race). Or set time every week for you and your husband to do those errands and "honey-dos".
A
female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Female Anon:
Your dad must be one of those rarities!
In this society, however, it is up to women to do 80% of the household chores. This isnt about love at all. This is about how women are expected to be the domestic workers going back to centuries of conditioning. Men are expected to be the leaders, supervisors, and financial bread winners. Although times are changing, these ideals are so engrained in us (men and women) and are very difficult to overcome. Men probably do more than their fathers once did around the house...especially when it comes to taking care of the kids.
I dont think we should "put up with it" either, but this could certainly be an uphill battle and someone has to come to terms with it. Either HE changes or SHE accepts it. You cant keep becoming upset/angry about the small stuff!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): I'm going to take a diffrent view than everyone eles. We can't keep saying it's a 'man' thing, because well it's not! it's a lazy person who tries to get off doing things and blames his gender.
My dad helps out around the house all the time, he adores my mum though, maybe thats why he's willing to help her? who knows, I don't live with my b/f but I wouldn't put up with him being lazy and blame it on his gender. You need to start nagging at him, you tried the nice route and it hasn't worked.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Normally when a woman asks a man to do something, what they really mean is they want it done NOW. This is normally because they are in the process of doing the washing, tidying or something and this thing is preventing them from getting on with their chores and effectively putting them behind. I used to ask my husband if he could hve a look at the washing machine as it wasn't draining. He would retort yes but nothing would happen so I couldn't wash all day. The next day I would ask again saying 'when you have a minute could you possibly look at this please' and he would then go ballistic. He always said I wanted everything done immediately which didn't fit in with his plans. It is impossible to ask this kind of question in any way without riling a man because normally they don't want to do it anyway. I also would try and fix the problem myself which would then create a load of friction as he felt forced into taking over. The only way to sort these things is if it has a direct effect on the man. Eventually my husband would say to me I will do it tomorrow and I would keep quiet and sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't. Absolutely infuriating but it does appear the more you push or nag as they would see it the less they will do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): I'm really sorry to disagree with UncleSneaker, but THIS man certainly doe NOT like being nagged. I can't stand it!!! If anything is guaranteed to make me rebel and NOT do as requested, it's being nagged into doing it.
Trouble is, there are always more important things for us men to do and it seems that the things you ladies see as a priority, generally seem trivial to us blokes. Yea, they'll get done eventually but as and when. Therefore, these requests are put in the proverbial pending tray.
No answer to it really - sorry!
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Ha!
You have an average, absolutely normal husband. No, it's not a communication breakdown. No, you shouldn't be asking him differently. As your friend says, it's a male thing. Many (most? all?) of us are like that, although we frequently deny it hotly (particularly to our own wives).
You need to nag a bit. That's what wives do. That's what we expect our wives to do, and then over a drink with our (male) mates we can say things like "She's always nagging me, but I suppose I love her really".
Ask him. Remind him. Remind him again. And then remind him again. When it becomes a real pain, set a deadline: "I need this done before dinner, please." Never, never try to do it yourself once you've asked him to do it, particularly if it's a man thing that involves screwdrivers or ladders or similar.
Be a bit of a nag. He'll love you for it. Which reminds me, I still haven't cleared the computer bits out of the cupboard that she-who-must-be-obeyed asked me to do a week ago. I'll do it when I get home tonight... if I remember.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (3 July 2008):
Welcome to MY world!
You sound just like me, seriously. I have a great boyfriend who works his butt off everyday going to work. Comes home and doesnt want to do anything! I ask him to do simple things and it never gets done. I will admit, there are times where he is "in the mood" and he starts doing all kinds of stuff, but these times are RARE. Most of the time things just sit around or never get done.
I dont think you have major communication problems or asking it the wrong way. I think you can become a nag when you get ANGRY and start yelling, to me thats a nag!
I think you did the right thing and it just might work in your case. You started "doing it yourself" and he got upset about it! Thats a start.
Its very difficult when your partner is so easy going and nice and there isnt any other real problems other than is his lack of, shall we say, motivation?
Maybe you should sit down with him and tell him that it takes TWO to run the household and you cant be expected to do everything and you would really appreciate some help when you ask for it.
As long as you arent stressing yourself out more than what its worth then I think you will be fine!
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