A
male
age
41-50,
*lmostdone
writes:My wife and I have been married for a little less than 2 years and we dated for a little over 2 years before that of which more than a year was spent in different continents.At the outset I must say that I love my wife and feel fortunate that she is in my life. I can't dream of hurting her as she really loves me and cares for me. We are intimate in the sense that we are still in love with each other, hold hands, try to do little things for each other, share our problems, etc.Where we have a problem is our sex life. We have sex extremely rarely (about once a month) and when we do it is not very imaginative. In the first few months of marriage I used to try to initiate sex but after getting turned down so often, I have almost stopped trying. I have a strong libido and now resort to masturbating furtively like an adolescent. Quite pathetic.Everyone remarks about what an attractive couple we make and how lucky I am but I don't feel that lucky.When we were dating we had sex almost every time we met. Our sex was good but not great. She didn't like to try any position that didn't work at the first go. She was a little low in confidence after her ex of 7 years cheated on her a few times and then rubbed it in her face.After we married I thought that our sex life would get better and we could at least keep up our frequency for the first year. On our honeymoon, we tried a little role play where I said in jest that I would gag her after I had her tied up. Big mistake! She freaked and we had our first marital argument. No more sex for me on the honeymoon and no question of any role play after that.I understand some of the reasons for her being so disinterested in sex. We moved to India after our marriage. Although we have a great house and friends, the transition from living in the Western world has been hard especially for her. By the end of the day, she is never in the mood for sex. The only time we have sex nowadays is when we are out of our own house on vacation.I really want to get our sex life on track but don't know what to suggest. Every time I bring this subject up she gets defensive and thinks that I am about to criticize her. I would really appreciate some advice and want to hear from people who can identify with my wife or me and have been able to turn things around for themselves.
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confidence, her ex, in the mood, libido, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, almostdone +, writes (30 October 2009):
almostdone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the great advice guys. I don't expect things to turn around overnight but it looks like we've made a start. Sex yesterday was impromptu and fun for both of us. We had a talk much later which for the first time she initiated. I was pleasantly surprised. We discussed some of the problems we were having and although we just skimmed the surface, we were quite candid and it was a good start. We're off for a short vacation and I'm sure that will do us some good. Once again thanks a lot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): You need to talk to her and tell her what your feeling maybe a letter would work if she gets defensive when you speak to her, she seems to lack confidence like most women in the bedroom try giving her lots of compliments to build her confidence up
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 October 2009):
It sounds as if she's really unhappy in general to be honest. I wonder if she's depressed about her life in India? It can be difficult for a woman to move to another place, because they rely so heavily on their friends network. If hasn't got any close friends, she will find it really hard to be happy. Women need cose friends. I would suggest that instead of approaching her about the lack of sex, approach her about her unhappiness and tell her you're worried about her. Listen very carefully to her. And, if needs must, seriously consider asking her if she would be happier moving back to America. I know you may not want to, but that's what might be ultimately needed to make sure your wife is happy. Really talk to her and listen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Going by India's population I don't think people get put off sex by being in the country!
Why not try going out of the house every weekend? It'll cost you some but there are some great spas that offer couple massages which may be good for that sort of intimacy. It is also the land of kamasutra which is great reading for a couple... with or without illustrations. Its interesting and damn funny, finally erotic.
Seriously though, it sounds like you think there is a problem but she does not. You need to do something drastic to get her to agree that there is indeed a problem. Perhaps withdraw other intimacy, perhaps let her see how this is affecting you. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should sulk till she is ready to have sex. No. You need to let her know you are upset so she agrees to at least a conversation. Then, that there is a problem.
Perhaps you can do what women do - say 'we need to talk' and that she needs to put aside some time for it, within the week when she is ready.
Perhaps what she's feeling would be resovled by a counsellor.
I don't think you need to pay for what her ex did. I also think you are making excuses for her. She did have sex with you when you were first dating - non experimental but still sex....
When you do have that once a month session are you so frustrated that it is not much fun? Could you try and make it about loving rather than about sex? Have fun with her, talk to her, prolong the foreplay forever, pay attention to her body but not suggest experimentation which is purely sexual. Maybe the key lies in how you are doing it... but you still need that talk.
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