A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I am 17 I live in Massachusetts and I have a girlfriend who I care about a lot, I don't know if I love her which probably means I don't but maybe I do. I think too much and get really stuck on things involving relationships and girls as a result, for some reason nothing else really gets to me. Anyways, I have recently decided to move in with my dad in California. I have already decided on this because I know it is the right choice for a whole rang of reasons, but before I was with the girl I am with now I had no intimacy of any sort for 1.5 years and during that time I got really disconnected and depressed because of my overthiinking about girls. My worry is that even though I'll be living in the place of my dreams, I'll go back to being all miserable. How do I actually get over a girl and just continue with my life? Btw, we have been together for 3 2/3 months. Same amount of time I was with my last girlfriend who ended badly and was followed by my lonely spell thing.
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (7 December 2012):
 Its good that youre leaving early in the relationship as you are less attached to her than if you were leaving a long term relationship. Youre 17 so you have your whole life ahead of you, relationships formed at this age rarely go far. You will feel upset and will think a lot in your first few weeks, but as soon as you start having a social life and thinking about other things it will stop playing on your mind and youll realise suddenly that what you thought would bother for ages has stopped.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 December 2012):
 If you're moving to California, sooner or later, you're going to break up with the girl you're seeing now. Long distance relationships with no end in sight almost always end badly, especially at your age where you're really not done maturing or knowing what direction you may be headed. So you can either wait til you move or do it now, before you're invested even more in this girl.
If you are depressed without a girl in your life, you are excessively co-dependent. What you need is to develop more interests other than the female gender to keep you grounded, motivated, feeling of value or purpose. I know being alone is hard, but it doesn't mean you have to be lonely. California is a new start. Join clubs, sports, or try a hobby for the first time. Get into surfing! Try to throw your heart into something where it can't break. When the activity is about self-love, nurturing and developing passions, you'll flourish because these are things you are gifting yourself and nourishing yourself with. Best of all, while there may be challenges in the new activities, there is less risk of emotional pain. When was the last time your feelings were hurt by a book you read?
In addition to these self-focused solutions, you should also make an effort to create an external social support system for yourself that consists more than romantic interests. This will allow you to engage with other sources of connectedness that you seem to lack now.
There is more to us than romantic love. We value the highs it gives us because the sense of serenity and belonging brings us peace; but it is also an overinflated value, a commodity (look at any pop song: love pays the bills for these artists). When love is promoted as the "it" thing in our culture, it's hard to not believe that. What you need to believe is that love comes in many forms: self-love, familial love, friendship AND relationship. Restoring a balance to these other spheres will not only improve your ability to navigate the world without a woman
but when you are ready for another relationship, you are not unhealthily reliant on another person for happiness, giving both of you more breathing room.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): Hello,
First of all, you have to be sure of what you want. From what it sounds like, you don't really love your girlfriend but you were with her for the sake of being in a relationship. In other words, you are only dating her because you are afraid to be lonely and you want companionship.
You have already decided to move away to California, and the long distance relationship method apparently doesn't stick in your mind. If you value your girlfriend, you would have tried all ways to maintain this relationship or attempt to let it work out somehow.
Therefore I think that your problem is not with that you can't get over a girl, but you can't stand being lonely. Sweetheart, girls are not the most important people in your life. Have you forgetten about the people all around you, who are willing to stand by you despite everything? They are your family and your friends. If you choose to shift your focus onto spending time with your family and friends, your will be cast off from the lonely spell.
I trust that someday you will be able to find someone you truly love, not just for the sake of initmacy or companionship. Hope I helped you out (:
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