A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Some of my partner's behaviors are turn offs to me (his porn subscriptions and very rare pot use). He's a great guy who treats me like gold. But, I can't get past these two issues that really bother me. We have talked about it and he offered to stop. However (to me) that feels like a scenario ripe for resentment.How can I learn to accept/tolerate the things I don't like about him? I don't want to break up, but I have to be honest that my feelings aren't as intense as they once were...Thoughtful answers appreciated.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, unorthodox.philosopher  +, writes (22 September 2009):
Feeling of the sorts are bothering me at the moment as well. It's really depends on whether those obnoxious traits are important to you or not and whether if you have communicated about it. Very recently, I tried to tell him about it in an extremely patient manner on top of lots of sugar coating. As usual, he blew up out of portion and attacked me with every irrelevant information he could possibly grasped. For me, I don't think there's anything in a relationship can't be solved by understanding and communication. But he's definitely not the type willing to understand others nor able to cope with any criticisms at all. And yes, he treats me nice like you said about your partner.
But I guess the attitude problem is fatal for any relationships. I wish you would have told us more about what exactly you aren't happy about him. As for my partner, he yelled:" YES!I'M STRESSED ABOUT WORK AND THAT'S WAY IT IS.(you're responsible to cop my crap) BAD LUCK!" I didn't argue but I knew that I won't able deal with for much longer as much as I wish I could.
I'm don't know how severe you case is but you gotta understand whether this is a long term kinda of things or whether he's not willing to compromise(at least understand where you come from first) and respect you like the way you want him to. It's all over I'm sorry to say. It might be just a compatibility problem. I'm guessing you're thinking that he treats you nice etc, but anyone else can treat you nice too! Other than treating you nice, is there any other traits about him that you adore? So important the fact that can be counteracted the negative one? These questions are for you to consider.
In like manner, if you decided to tolerate those unpleasant trait about him, try to think of him in a more positive way. Every time when he gets you in the nerve, keep reminding yourself about his positive traits. Hopefull you'll get used to it I guess.
All the best
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): I don't think these are benign behaviors at all! I personally would not date anyone that smokes pot and if they were jerking to porn, I wouldn't want to see it.
The good news is he is willing to quit, which is good for him. I think you should just observe him to see if he really has quit these habits, or he is just doing it and hiding it. If he really quits, it would bring the respect back into your life. That would be an admirable thing to do and not all that easy either.
If you truly love him and want to be with him, give him a little time. These are habits he has had for a long time.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Dear Anonymous,I think you need to listen to what your heart is telling you, you and he just don't "fit". It's time to leave and find someone who shares your core values. No offense to the so-called "recreational drug users", but I could never be with someone who does drugs. I have zero respect for people who use (and no, I have NEVER even tried MJ or any drug other than alchohol and cigarettes, but I wouldn't expect someone who is against such things to go along with it if it bothered them!). You can find someone who shares your core values, don't be afraid to ask for more for yourself! If he loves you he will forego porn and drugs to keep you! Surely that's not too difficult a thing to ask.Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuiet Echo, I really do appreciate the link and will read it thoroughly. I have dated doctors who did coke, so I have no illusions about who does drugs.
His behaviors are just turn offs and I don't think I am willing to live like this anymore. The point is these behaviors - to me - reflect who he is and that doesn't jive w/ what I want in a partner.
Intellectually, I KNOW the porn isn't a big deal. It's the meaning behind it that I'm ascribing to it that's the problem. We are different and I don't think we fit. To me, these things have made me disconnect from him and I am desperately unhappy in this relationship. The good is good, but the bad (which is bad to me) weighs heavily for long(er) term. It makes me sad to think about ending it, but I don't know what else to do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reply, Quiet Echo. I think these behaviors have made me lose respect for him and my feelings have changed because I feel these are schoolboy activities a grown man should be over. I also think they reflect the difference in our values. He is a good guy, but I think they reflect a huge difference between us that I am having a hard time accepting...
...............................
|
