A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I am about to get married and I'm having so many feelings going through my heart and my head. How did you feel a few days before your marriage? Did things change in any way after you got married? Were you even remotely worried things might not work out in your married life? Or were you just overwhelmed with joy and anticipation? There is so much going right now, I could use some of your experience. Thank you all! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I just read anonymous's post and I forgot that the change after marriage would make a difference depending on if you live together already and have been sexually intimate. My husband and I had lived together for almost 2 years before marriage, and obviously had sex, so there was no change after marriage.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (16 October 2012):
Fun question! I was just married in January of this year so it's pretty fresh in my head. Ours was a destination wedding, so a lot of my thoughts were worry. Worry about traveling, everyone making it ok, etc. I was also worried about married life. I worried that once the wedding was over, life would be boring. We would be boring, that there would be nothing more to look forward to (because I had looked so forward to being married and having a wedding my whole life). I worried that it would be so weird to have a new last name, if I would still feel like me, and I'd be such a mature adult- a married woman, and if I was ready for it, marriage is a huge deal. And I worried about the future too, how do I know this will last forever? When the divorce rate is 50% how do we know we have got it right and won't end up like half the relationships out there? I absolutely did not want to be married just to have a wedding, I wanted it to last forever and so it was scary to think "what happens if it doesn't?"
Then the day of the wedding was such a weird happy anxiety. I remember I spent most of the day with my family, eating lunch and then going back to their hotel to do my hair and make up then get dressed. It was so weird when I left him in the morning because we knew the next time we saw each other would be walking down the aisle. Crazy feeling, but exciting too. So the day went by super fast, getting more excited by the minute. Then when we started going to the chapel I was getting nervous as hell, like the most nervous I have ever been, just terrified. When I got there my family walked into the chapel and it was just me and my dad outside. I confessed I was insanely nervous and on the verge of tears before even walking in. Not nervous to be married or crying because I'd be married though. Well he told me it'll be over soon. My dad isn't emotional and we aren't close so that was all I got, lol.
So then the chapel doors opened and I saw my husband with the biggest smile I have ever seen on him. And then my fears were gone and I was just happy. Wedding went great, reception was wonderful, everyone had a great time. Then back at home things were back to normal. It took a few weeks for the name change to go in effect but other than that nothing changed. We were right back to the old routine just now as man and wife. It's funny because people did ask a lot, what's changed??? How's married life??? And the answer every time is "The same as before, I just have a ring and a new name."
Overall it's normal to be nervous but it's so much fun. So don't let the nerves worry you. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding day and I hope it all goes perfect for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): If I really answer your questions thoroughly I will probably still be working on the reply when you celebrate your first anniversary. Yes, I type pretty slow . . .
I'm a guy who got married while in grad school, about 10 years younger than you are. Since it was almost long enough ago that my kids could be your age my memory may not be totally sharp, but just seeing your question has brought a LOT back to me.
"Joy and anticipation"?? Yes, definitely!! And some uncertainty and curiosity and fear I would disappoint her. And lust and eagerness and wanting to be a "real" adult and feeling complete and feeling like it was just starting.
Marriage is an act of faith. Faith in your partner, faith in yourself, faith in the future, faith in the parents who raised and formed you and your partner. I don't think I honestly feared that ". . . things might not work out in (my) married life . . .". VERY early in our relationship both my wife & I made it clear that we considered marriage to be "forever and always". I don't think we used it in our ceremony but many traditional wedding vows have the line about ". . . for better or worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness or health; until death do us part." When my wife goes for a second serving of desert I remind her that there's nothing in there about "through thick or thin", but in fact to our minds there was never any "except . . . ", or "but . . . ", or "unless . . . ", or any other escape clause. I certainly hoped I wouldn't be miserable or disappointed but even if I was - I would still be married.
More significantly, even though we hadn't thought it through very clearly yet, we were willing to change our individual Big Plans to accommodate each other. I wasn't "adding a wife" to my idea of what my life would be, and she wasn't "adding a husband" to hers. I was still "me" and she was still "her", but we created the new personality "us" with its own agenda.
(Starting with our (baby boom) generation and continuing for at least one or two generations after, people have concentrated on "me", "I", and "my" and only allowed "us", "we", and "ours" to have what was left over from their self-centeredness. We faced that problem, and I honestly don't know how we managed to keep it from seriously crippling our marriage. Other couples around us, even though still married, are not as fortunate.)
What changed after we got married? Well, the preacher turned us around to face our guests, and introduced us as "Mr and Mrs", and it was perhaps the most exhilarating and happy moment of my life. And there was the wedding night - physical sensations and intense, complicated, emotions I certainly wasn't prepared for. And there was the next morning, with a half-naked girl in bed with me - a definite change. That's when the long-term significance of what had changed, started to really hit me.
Besides that, a lot changed! I guess it was a series of one change after another for a while. We got to be with each other all the time. We learned about each other. We got into arguments. We worked things out. We helped each other grow. I wouldn't say that the first year or two was either "easy" or "difficult" for us as a couple, but it was certainly very "different" from being single, or even engaged!
A significant difference between us and the majority of other couples - even "back then" - was that we hadn't lived together and we waited for marriage for sex. So there was the whole adjustment from petting to intercourse, and the details of establishing a household and making it work. These were actually fairly easy, rather mechanical changes to deal with (yes, even the sexual adjustment) but I think going through them together as a married couple was good practice and good training.
Congratulations!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 In my first marriage I never had any mis-givings about getting married. I was fully ready to take that step, even though I was only 19 years old. When I got married the second time 20 years later, again I never had any reservations about wanting to be with my husband, but with both of us having been around the block before of course, I wondered if things would last. I wondered if my feelings would change, if his feelings would change so it's natural to consider all these things as you enter into a marital commitment. But all I can say is that if you love him, and you want to spend the rest of your life together, don't hold back. Whatever happens, happens but it doesn't lessen the desire at the present moment so don't let those thoughts, or concerns cloud up your special day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Yes, it is very normal. You are making a life changing move & of course there is going to be all kind of thoughts, good & bad running through your head.
For me, I had the best husband anyone could ever want. He passed away way too young, but I feel so lucky to of had someone like him in my life.
Best wishes.
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