A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A question: If a kid gets punished for something they did not do, is it child abuse even if not excessive just because the kid was innocent and the parent did not believe them? I have not been on speaking terms with my mom for years for this reason. My maternal grandmother blames me too even though she knows I was innocent (??). My sister blames me too even though she got me in trouble. How did I become the family villain since I was 10? If I agree to meet with the 3 of them and talk, any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): I am the author of the OP. I wanted to thank everyone for their input. In all fairness, life with daddy sucked. I once wrote an essay for him on Fathers' Day about how great he was. He proofread it, showing me punctuation and spelling errors and suggesting improvements in sentence structure. That hurt. Such was the life with dad. He's mad at me now for putting off medical school plans to come home for a while.I have to accept the fact that to be 23 and have these non existent or strained family relationships,that it has to be me (even though I DID leave that note).I met with my sister. I figured she would hate me because I was mean to her after all this happened, but she was happy to see me. I asked her if she thought mom and grandma would see me and she was like of course she would. My mom accepted a Facebook friends request,wanting to know where I am. I also figured the e-mail ads chewing from grandma meant she never wanted to see me again. Do I just not know people at all?g
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2015):
 NOO you're not a villain!! Not to the same degree, but your mom did the same thing my mother did - and that is every mother's nightmare, to make such a profound mistake in raising your child.
In your case, your mom did the wrong thing by crying to your grandmother about it rather than make it right with you. As for your 7-year old sister, don't hate her! It was an ACCIDENT for crying out loud. 7-year olds are prone to that sort of thing.
I blame your mom for how this whole thing went about. SHE should have made it right, but she took the coward's road and let you run off to your dad's and let this wound fester in your family because she couldn't face the consequences or her error, but in her panic spanked you. There are similarities here to my story - my mom was also panicked when she thought that my cousin and I were playing chicken with cars on the highway, and I'm sure that her punishment of you was a bit more severe because of her fear.
You're an adult now, not a child. You need to face your mom and tell her what this has done to you all of these years. Don't wait for HER to come chase you if you value your sanity and your emotional health. I bet that if this is hanging out there all these years, it's 10 times harder on your mom than it is on you, and it sounds like it got all mixed up with your dad leaving and your mom feeling like a failure for the breakup of the family entirely.
It's time to stop acting and reacting like the child you were and start acting like the adult you are now. Yes, being unfairly spanked is very traumatic. Hell, being whipped period is traumatic. But you have to decide how resilient you CHOOSE to be. I agree with eyeswideopen - you did cut your nose off to spite your face when you refused to see your mom in fear that she would "make more mistakes", but in reality, you also made a mistake. That's what humans do - they make mistakes.
Your mom didn't deliberately hurt you out of malice and cruelty. She panicked and made the wrong decision to not believe you all those years ago. It's time you meet so that you both can release each other from the pain and bitterness you hold yourselves prisoner to.
Sometimes, when these things get out of control, the terms "family villain" or "black sheep" become addicting because it's easier to feel like a martyr or outcase than face yourself and others. You know that it's not true, but you use it to push away the inevitable meeting, as in "she and my sister hate me anyways so what's the point?".
You say you got bitter? I'm guessing you made a string of mistakes in response to that day with your mom and the note and the punishment. It's time to make amends and to forgive your mom her mistake. There is so much more power in forgiveness and reaching out and love than there ever will be in bitterness and pushing people away. But, are you too addicted to the bitterness that you'll continue your pushing people away with the "they'll make more mistakes" excuse, or have you finally come to the end of running away??
Time to stop running and make that meeting with your mom. I wouldn't bring your sister into the first meeting, nor your grandmother either. Everything in your life boils down to ground zero - the Incident. Time to let love take the driver's seat and pull out that hurt like you'd pull a sliver from your foot, only this time, the sliver is in your heart. If you put aside the Villain persona and the bitterness, you'll be surprised at how easy it will be.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (18 March 2015):
OP your Mum made a mistake, and in my opinion so did you. She was worried about you, and in her highly emotional state she punished you over a misunderstanding. You said yourself she was sad about it afterwards, but you made it into a huge deal and caused a family rift for years afterwards by refusing to see that your Mum is human and made a mistake.
You have to accept that people aren't infallible, and sometimes a little forgiveness and understanding is required. I suggest you meet your Mum, apologise for your part in this and try to rebuild your relationship with your family. Life is far too short to hold grudges like this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2015):
 The past is the past
call everyone you are holding a grudge against. or go see them
Say "I'm sorry I was a butthead kid and I'd like to fix this how can we fix this?"
and let us know so we can help you proceed.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 March 2015):
 You bit your nose off to spite your face. Meet with your mom for crying out loud and put all this behind you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): I am the author of this OP. When I was a kid, I thought I had the coolest mom a kid ever had. She was very involved in mine and my little sister's life and very nurturing. She took over coaching my basketball team when the coach quit, taught me to bowl, had time set aside each night to help with homework and was just great.Discipline situations were rare and spankings rarer still. I could count my childhood spankings on one hand. Even then,I sort of knew I had it coming and that mom was just "doing her job".So, there was this rule that mom wanted to know where I was and if I went to a friend's house to either ask her first or leave a note. I left a note. It got swept up in papers my sister was drawing on. The note was lost and was not found until later. In the meantime, my mom, in a panic about not knowing where I was,spanked me when I got home for not leaving a note. She didn't take my word. Later,when the note was found, she was crying on the phone to grandma about it.I didn't know how I could have been so wrong about my mom and also hated my seven year old sister for taking my note.I went to live with my dad. I was miserable there. Daddy was not home much and my step mom did not like having me around. My grandma replied to an e-mail with a scathing letter. We moved. I got bitter. I wanted to go home so bad, but figured my mom might make mistakes again. We lost contact. Well, I broke off contact.Even though I did leave that note, I am feeling guilty about the past. Should I meet with my family or leave them alone? Is it too late?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 March 2015):
I do not think there is much to go on, but I come from a very hard headed "family" that made very selfish choices in their life. My only choice was to forget them and realize that there was no pleasing my family. I live my own life and have thoroughly moved on because I want to be happy in my own way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Sometimes people judge you by your history, or a pattern of behavior. You don't give any details on why you were punished, or how? I find it odd that three generations of women are angry with you, and all accusing you with no evidence to confirm your guilt? What did you do to your sister that she wouldn't want to resolve all this discord and set the record straight, knowing your innocence? What could a 10 year-old child do, that's so awful?
This sounds like anger "you've" carried with you for a over a decade; and resentment you can't/wont let go of. As a result, no one can move forward.
You want them all to concede to wrong-doing on an old issue that you can't just put behind you. Therefore; you make yourself the enemy; because you can't just move on. There are four stubborn women involved here; and everyone is doing their best to show they are all "right."
The problem is, you're all wrong!!! You're suffering for it.
That is where you are all at a stalemate. None of you really want to move forward; because of your individual issues with "forgiveness." It's important to you all to impart punishment on each other, and that is how your life-long relationship has been established. All of you are one of a kind. Angry, mean, and unforgiving toward the other.
Nothing short of family-counseling, mediation, and prayer will save the group. I don't think that they vilify you for the reasons you've presented. I think the fact you decided to stop speaking to your mother and hold a perpetual-grudge well into your adulthood; for punishment you said was not really that excessive. If it wasn't excessive punishment, why did you stop speaking to your mother altogether?
Your passive-aggressive behavior toward your mother, and the silent-treatment you chose over forgiveness; is why you all don't get along. Drop the bitterness and see what happens. Agree to speak to the other three, only if your intention is to ask that you all just forget the past and move forward. If you can't forgive, expect no change.
If you're demanding an apology; and you don't get one, then what? Most family feuds are born of stubbornness and the inability to forgive, and move forward. Yours is no different. Regardless of the reason for punishment, or how you were punished.
You did worse than your mother. You withheld your love and forgiveness. How do you expect them, or anyone else to react to that? Your mother made a mistake, and you've held that against her ever since. You even accuse her child-abuse. You don't even give details to substantiate your accusations. That should have been the first thing sited in your post!!!
Ever wonder how things could have been all this time; if you just forgave her when you were 10? Most people are protective of their mothers. That would include her own mother over her, and your siblings. Your grandmother being of the "old-school;" sites your behavior to be most disrespectful, and ungrateful. You didn't give birth to yourself. You turn on mom, the rest will turn on you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 March 2015):
 I agree (with SVC) that you haven't given us much to comment upon..... HOWEVER....
One thing is certain. You and your family have fantastic memories... and beautifully clear rear-view mirrors-in-time.
I've known others like this (as I described)... who can hold grudges for DECADES. (I married in to such a family!).
Talking helps (as you alluded) ... and so does FORGETTING.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2015):
We really need more info to comment.
if a child gets punished for something they did not do is it child abuse.
depends on the punishment.
I sense that there is something MORE than the one incident.
can you give us more info?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2015):
 It's really hard to answer when you don't say what really happened. Was it a minor, kids will be kids, breaking a favorite aunts vase or what?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): I come from an extremely dysfunctional family and am a middle child.
For years, before my younger sister was born (10 year age gap) it was my elder sister (3 years older) who was scapegoated as the family 'blacksheep'. I was positioned as the good child. My sister became mentally ill at the age of 17, after years of playing into the role set out for her and rebelling etc etc. From a very young age, she could do nothing right and I 100% she believed she was 'bad' and learned to act that way.
I on the other hand was like an 'angel'. Everything I did was good. Somewhere around the age of 11, without really understanding how this all worked, I just sensed that the whole set up wasn't right. In my own way, I began to stop playing that role. eg. My elder sister would often deliberately upset me, make me cry, my parents would come down really hard on her. One day I just didn't react to what she did, didn't tell my parents and they didn't shout at her. She was really confused. Something shifted on that day.
However, as my sister grew more and more mentally ill and was often hospitalized and just 'away' ie. she'd abscond and cut off from the family, my mother, in particular, needed someone to let out all of her anger onto. That person became me. My father became seriously ill and finally died. But in the meantime, my mother had begun to position me as the 'black sheep' of the family AND she taught my younger sister to do the same.
Looking back, they were terrible parents. But I also know that I was - and I don't exaggerate - a model daughter. I never complained, I helped around the house, I practically brought up my younger sister (the free child care my mother took full advantage of from me). I was extremely depressed, but doing things like making their meals for them and basically doing anything to make them happy. After my father died and my elder sister was so incapacitated it simply wasn't worth my mother being angry with her any more, the full force of my mother's venom turned against me. It was totally, utterly and absolutely illogical. But my younger sister bought into it, grew up believing I was evil and, yes, you guessed, that she was the 'angel' of the family. What's tragic is that my younger sister and I were very close when she was growing up, due to me being like a second mother to her. Whilst my mother enjoyed the free child care, she didn't like it one bit when we were both adults and she saw how close we were. She feared being left alone and this is when her rage kicked in. She did everything possible to destroy my reputation within the family and to turn my sister against me. Today I have no family except a mentally ill elder sister who is violent and would bleed me dry in terms of needing love and nurturing. And a younger sister who is fully convinced that I am the devil and she is the opposite.
When families do this it can be absolutely mind-bending for the chid or young adult involved. It is soul destroying because nothing you can do is ever going to change it. You can search and search the world over to try to find a logical reason for it, or a solution - but you won't get one. Except if you look to psychoanalysis for answers and realise, as I had to, that sometimes people simply do not have the capacity for empathy and have a need to abuse at least one other person. They cannot see beyond their own (actually very childlike, in a negative way) needs. Today at 47, I still find it hard to come to terms with - I can just about handle the years of abuse from my family, but what I find hardest is accepting they will never change, they simply don't have the capacity - I feel heartbroken for THEM, not me. And this is something I've had to work through with a counsellor as it's very confusing.
What I will say to you is try to get your whole family together and talk to them, logically, about what it is that they think you have done and their attitude towards you. If they can't or won't see sense at this stage, then prepare yourself for potentially having to face years of totally illogical behaviour from them. If you cannot handle it, get to a counsellor pronto, because things like this have a tendency to run and run and run, unless you put a stop to it early on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 March 2015):
We need details -
Why would you become a villain at 10, what did you do exactly that made them believe you were innocent...who was really the perpetrator, and what was your punishment??
When I was a kid, I got punished for something I didn't do. And - my family was a very harsh disciplinary family who didn't spare the rod and thought that time-outs were of the devil. I walked to the store with my cousin, and we had to walk along the road. I stayed off the road and was proper in safety as I always had been. My cousin was crazy wild and jumped in front of traffic for a thrill. The speed limit on the highway was 50 mph. A neighbor saw us walking to the store and my cousin jumping in front of traffic, and she told my mom that BOTH of us were playing in traffic.
My mother didn't believe me that I was innocent, and I got whipped so hard and so long with a switch that the skin broke in several places. YES. I think that was abuse, especially since I was innocent and was even trying to get my cousin to knock it off (he has spent some time in trouble as an adolescent). It was abuse even if I had been guilty, but that is beside the point now. For a long time, I refused to say anything to anyone. My father was out of town for two weeks, and I think I spent all of that time in my room avoiding everyone. My mom just kept threatening to punish me more if I didn't "drop the attitude", so I stayed in my room. When my father came home, I just started bawling and told him what happened. He spoke to my mom, who repeated what the neighbor had said. My dad took all of us to the neighbor, who admitted that she hadn't actually seen ME in the road, and had actually seen me trying to get my cousin out of the road by grabbing him as he was trying to dart out in traffic. My mom was crushed that she had not believed me, and it damaged their marriage for awhile due to my mom's rage issues. Ultimately, due to my punishment and being innocent, that led to a lot less abuse in the house. The incident changed my mom.
How on earth can a 10 year old become a villain?? I'll say this - abuse in a family has to thrive in deep denial. Many excuses are given, many things minimized. You are what you are because you are drawing light to a great injustice. Even now, I'm the only one in my family that calls what happened what it really was, and every time the answer was that "God was working on anger". Never mind that horror of being 8 year old and sitting in a room listening to the screams of agony from siblings while God was working on that "anger".
I have a son, and I have never raised my hand to him. My point is - you may never get vindication from your family. Dysfunction and abuse run really deep and takes a lot of denial, so you have to decide how you will stem the tide in your own life. You're not 10 anymore. Do you have kids? If so, one way to right the wrong is to treat them with love and not pass on the abuse in any form. My son will never have my memories. Don't focus on your past. Focus on your future and how you will become better than that, because like it or not, parents also raise their children in what NOT to be like as sure as they pass along good traits.
What happened to me changed my family. Believe it or not, what happened to you changed yours. If you agree to talk, you need to be honest. There is a lot of dysfunction that gets passed down, which is why your grandmother has a stake in it. You may not get satisfaction, but you have to decide what your life is going to be regardless of whether or not they change. You have to free yourself from the prison of dysfunction, draw a line, and say that you won't pass it down. Sometimes that means forgiveness. I have forgiven my mom for what happened, even though she has never forgiven herself. I'm no longer directed by what happened in my youth. Pain and rage aren't my motivators - love and kindness are. I choose to protect the kindness in my own heart and pass THAT to my son. And that is *my* story. What will be yours?
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