A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this girl that goes to the same classes as I do. At first I had a major crush on her and couldn't stop thinking of her. I told her how I felt but she said that she didn't feel the same and she wasn't ready to be with anyone else as she just got out of a serious relationship. She did say that she wanted to be my friend, though.Well, that's not what I wanted but I went ahead and agreed to it. A few months later and we are almost the closest friends I know. We hang out ALL the time. It's to the point where I literally hide from her just so I can have a bit of alone time. I really like her now as a friend and to be honest, I feel that I'm not as attracted to her as I was before. She relieves her sadness when she talks to me about her ex. I listen and give her comforting words when I need to. We go out together and even hang out at each other's places now and then.I know I'm DEEP into the friend's zone. . .and you know what, I didn't mind. I gave up on us ever being romantic and I honestly felt no jealousy when she pointed out how cute a guy was. I felt that our friendship was special and I was lucky enough to have a friendship this personal. . .until I saw her with another guy.I was walking out of class and as I was about to turn the corner, I spotted her and another guy laughing and giggling near the stairs. I knew I shouldn't but I watched longer than I should have. I couldn't help but notice how she smiled sweetly as they both stared into each other's eyes. What really made something shatter inside of me was when I saw her lean in to give him a hug. It wasn't a side hug or even an awkward hug. It was a full on, frontal one. I couldn't help but notice how they didn't mind being pressed into each other. . .how she didn't pull away. I walked away from the scene, heart torn up. She bumped into me a few hours later and seemed to catch on right away that I wasn't my usual joyful self. She asked what was wrong but I just said I wasn't feeling well and that I wouldn't be able to hang after school. I know now that all this time, I was suppressing my feelings for her. I fooled myself into thinking that I didn't want her anymore and that I was okay with her dating other people. I didn't realize how brittle those words were until they were so easily broken when I saw them.I believe I should move on now but I don't know how. What do I say to her? How could I possibly tell her that the reason we can't be friends right now is because I still have feelings for her? She's so easily moved to tears. She once cried when she thought I got into an accident and she wouldn't stop calling my phone. We're so close that she'll definitely notice if I didn't talk to her for a day or two. I'm not angry at her at all. I'm only angry at myself for feeling this way. I feel that I trapped myself by not moving on sooner. I really cherish our friendship and if I could kill these stupid emotions just to keep this companionship then I would. Is that even possible?
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crush, her ex, jealous, move on, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 July 2014):
 I think you have no choice but to explain to her what you are feeling, as she probably already knows. And if you continue to distance yourself from her, you are liable to push her away completely and ruin any potential for a friendship.
I think you explained beautifully and articulately how you feel in this moment. Perhaps seeingbjer face to face and explaining this to her exactly as you presented it here is your best bet. She can't be mad at you for being honest. And you weren't being deceptive - hoping to sneak into her pants in a moment of weakness. You plain and simple wanted to be her friend. That's all.
I think if you give yourself a bit of time to feel the hurt and mourn the final ending of your feelings for her, you will be able to be her friend. It's one thing to talk about other guys and another to see her with one.maybe this is what you needed, as painful as it feels now, to be the final brick in solidifying your getting over her. If her friendship is as important to you as you say it is, just communicate thus to her. And tell her you will be her friend again the moment you are fully ready and healed. May be much faster than you expected, as perhaps seeing that really did finalize it. Ya know?
Good luck and feel better. I don't think this friendship has to end. The only thing that could end it would be your hiding the truth. Because she already knows.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 July 2014):
 You've discovered that you DO mind not being in a romantic relationship with her. Your 'mistake' was allowing the relationship to become something you didn't actually want. You were allowing the contact because you didn't want to feel rude or to disconnect from her.
Her 'mistake' was pushing for friendship and assuming that your compliance meant you were okay with it. She wanted companionship and what better place than a guy who is 'safe'? You are safe because you took the romance off the table.
If you had said, 'no, I want romance with you' and continued to push for that, you would see just how quickly she would have withdrawn that offer of 'friendship.'
You did trap yourself.
Now just get out of it by being truthful. "Sharon, I thought I was okay with just being friends with you. Now that I have had more time to reflect on it, I'm not okay. I need to do the equivalent of 'breaking up' with you so I can move on."
Or if you want to give it another go and risk that rejection which it sounds like will happen: "Sharon, let's start dating. We are great friends but I really like you as more than that." Bring the thing to a head. You'll have given yourself another chance with her and to reignite the option of being more than friends.
As for the crying, well, lots of women cry easily. Some men do as well. Don't let tears trap you into a relationship you do not want. People break up all the time and cry. They eventually recover and get over it.
I would precipitate this thing, the more I think about it. She'll eventually get a boyfriend and you'll be off to the side anyway, as boyfriends tend not to like other boys hanging around their girls.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 July 2014):
 When she said that she's not ready because she just got out of a serious relationship, those words are brittle as well. Look how quickly she moved on when she saw a guy she fancies. You are angry at yourself because you didn't listen to your gut.
When I look at the your titled question I wonder, "what, someone needs to be told that?"
Some girls do need to be told that, but that doesn't mean you have to. What I would just say is that you cherished this friendship but you have to look for something more satisfying.
I find that friendzoning a guy is cruel and total disregard for someone's feelings. Yes, you choose to be in that position but someone with more empathy like me, would not do this to a guy. She could be totally clueless about this. Just like a guy with a conscience would not use a girl as friends as benefits, knowing how fragile she could be, even when she tells him it's okay.
I think that women who friendzone guys and keep them have problems devoting and trusting one guy who can give her what she needs.
What you learn is that unless you can have a platonic friendship with females, just stop talking to a girl who told you she just wants to be a friend.
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A
male
reader, killer bee +, writes (13 July 2014):
 This feeling that you so clearly have going strong for her probably wont just go away, but it will be worse if you keep hiding behind a mask of fake emotions. It will tear you apart inside so one thing you can do is stop being afraid of what might happen, just go to her one day and tell her how you feelm, yes she may cry but in return she may be hiding some other kind of feelings, but you will never know what could or coudln't happen if you dont try. Show her, tell her, be there for her. If she crys give her a shoulder to cry on and help her through it. If you need time to yourself to figure it all out then tell her that to. Good communication can lead to many things in a friendship and possibly a furture realationship.
your friend
killer bee
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