A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a general question about dating. I am 39, originally from Ukraine, and have been living in US for the past 13 years. Where I grew up (or at least at the time I was dating back there) there was no concept of becoming exclusive with someone you’re dating. People generally didn’t date different people at the same time and therefore didn’t have to make a decision of becoming exclusive at some point. When 2 people met and liked each other they would start dating and it was assumed they didn’t date anybody else. They would see each other often getting to know each other and if things didn’t work out they would just break up and move on to see/meet someone else. Dating someone else at the same time would be considered disrespectful to another person. Of course some people would date more than one person at the same time with or without sex involved, but it wasn’t a “norm” or common, and they would try to hide that. I am just curious how people in different countries date and how common dating multiple people outside of US is. I have been in a relationship with the same man for the whole time I’ve lived in US and he was from the same place I was. And after we broke up some time ago I thought I’d try to meet someone through the online dating site and was literally shocked when learned this is the way all Americans date. Of course I have seen it in the movies and read in the books, but it never occurred to me it was so common. Because of me not understanding this caused so much confusion on my side when I met a guy that I liked a lot and he seemed to like me as well. But I had no idea I had to show to him that I wanted to be exclusive or even bring up the question of exclusivity. I got really upset when I saw him on the dating site online all the time and didn’t want to continue dating him realizing he was just not interested enough in me. We are kind of sorting things out right now, but I am still curious how common these “dating rules” are both in US and other countries. Thanks!
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male
reader, DLover  +, writes (11 July 2009):
I've heard from many sources (Canada) that it's ok to date many persons at once ONLY if all of the following:
1) both are not already engaged
2) None of those relationships have got serious yet.
the problem with this definition lies in "serious": some people might wait for first kiss, other will wait for sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): There was a question a couple of weeks ago where there was some discussion on exclusivity.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-you-know-when-your-in-a.html
The rule that I had when dating multiple women is to be honest with both of them BEFORE I sleep with them. Preferably they should know on the first date. Of course, I haven't been with anyone but my wife for 28 years now, but I am happy with the way I dated years ago. I explain in my answer in that referenced post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPleeeeeease, need more answers! :)
-Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Samantha_x for your answer!
It might be a preference for some people. But how does one develop preferences? I’ve lived in 2 different parts of the world and look at it now as preference that we learn to like based on traditions or what is socially accepted. Even more than that. People here in US are being taught by all media to date multiple people to maximize their chances to find the best match. But seeing how two approaches work I do see how damaging and hurtful dating multiple people could be.
I can see how people lie at first dates about dating other people to show that they are in demand. And others are wondering if they have any chances with that person because they think the other person is in demand. :))) And the whole game begins. Even thinking about being somebody’s cancellation price is not a very good starting point to develop romantic feelings. Why he/she didn’t call this week or re-scheduled the date? Is he/she seeing someone else today or is really busy? I saw a question posted online by a guy who really liked a woman he met on a first date and she agreed to see him for the second date, but she was honest telling him that she is meeting other people at the same time to keep her options open and she is still looking. So the guy was upset and cancelled the second date. He posted a question online if he made the right decision. 95% of the answers from men were like this “dude, give her some space; it was a good sign she wanted to see you again, she definitely liked you”. And from women 100% of answers- “it would freak me out if somebody was so demanding after the first date, not wanting me to see other people; it is just a getting to know phase”.
Anyway, I’d like to hear from more people. It can be just a simple answer about your own preference and which approach you think is more common where you live. And if you have thoughts about why some people prefer one approach to another I welcome them as well!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Hi. Well, I'm not sure about any dating rules as such. But then maybe I just don't get out much!
I suppose I just see it as a personal preference thing. People have different standards, expectations, opinions, etc. Personally, if I was dating someone, whether in actual person or via a dating website of some kind, I would consider myself to be with them for that time, and would not look for other people. I would also expect that from them too.
So I can totally understand you feeling upset about that guy still on the dating site looking for women when you two were giving things a shot. I would feel the same. I think it also depends on how seriously you take it, and what kind of relationship you are looking for. Some people might just see dating as a bit of fun, and might not be looking for a committed relationship as such.
I don't know if I've been much help! I'm not sure if I have actually answered your question, but I just thought I'd give you my opinion anyway! x
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