A
female
age
,
*lum2008
writes:How can you know if a guy really loves and cares for you before you have sex with him? I have read that one should hold out a little longer until one is sure...but can one really be sure?? Only after the act can one know what the other person is really like. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): The important thing is that YOU are ready and absolutely passionate about having sex with this guy. That way it will be a pleasure rather than a possible test and whatever happens afterwards you will know that it was a beautiful experience. Unfortunately we cannot judge a guy before during or after sex - this kind of worry and monitoring just kills the whole point and possibly the relationship in the process.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (13 January 2008):
I dont think you can ever really 'know' and be 100% sure. I mean some people are really good at putting on an act and once they have got what they want (such as sex) they give up the act and leave. Its sad that some people are like this, but its true. So I understand that you are fearing something like this may happen to you.
Holding out is always a good idea, but then you have to ask, how long should i hold out for? I mean some guys will only conitnue a mr nice guy act for 1 week and if they dont get sex, they will give up and move on, some may last 1 month, some may last several months, some can even last up to years!
Waiting for marriage is one way to try to protect yourself but even that isnt full proof. I know of A LOT of people who change once they are married. Afterall, how many marriages these days end in divorce? Over 50% atleast I think. Usualy once people are married and seriously commited, they feel they can truly be themself. So this isnt going to be a 100% safe idea either.
Personaly, I would say wait until you have been together for a while, until you feel you can truly be yourself, untill you have NO doubts. If you are having doubts you probably have reason to have them. Trust your gut, thats the best advice I think anyone can give to you. It is always right.
I think this quote fits what you are worried about perfectly...
"Watch people when they're most stressed, its a great indicator of their character."
Often people find it hard to keep up any false act at times of stress. Its how they deal with their problems and issues in life that reflect who they truly are. I think that waiting until you have been with your bf/partner for so long, enough to have face many problems together, will give you reassurance of who he is and what he is in it for.
Also, remember that a person can say they love you and use all these charming lines on you, but its what they do that matters. Its one thing to say 'i love you' but to show it is far more important. So look more at his actions, rather then words which can be empty and perhaps not true.
This doesnt mean expect him to buy you heaps of presents or anything superficial like that, more so things like, listening to you when you are having troubles, supporting you, looking after you when you are sick- basically sticking with you through the hard times (as well as the good).
Hope this has helped :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Some men are like those car sales person. They will promise you everything before you buy the car, after you bought it , they are no where to be seen or they conveniently forget their promises.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 January 2008):
If you want to be sure, try the safe and old fashion way , get married legally .If you are not married, his love is like the foot prints in the sand.When the waves come onshore, you will not see any more. Today love you 100% , tomorrow gone with the wind.
If he can get the sex, why should he commit to you?
Knowing a guy loves and care is different from a contract..
To answer your question , he will go out of his way to pamper and indulge you.
...............................
A
male
reader, xylplxym  +, writes (13 January 2008):
Well you are supposed to be able to tell before you have sex obviously. Ideally, you fall in love first and have sex after you commit to each other in marriage. God knows this doesn't happen very often; most people have sex because its pleasurable not because they are in love. Yes some relationships work even though there's no marriage and yeah some marriages fail, but the truest and surest way to tell if your partner is with you because he loves you is to see if he will commit to marriage before sex. If he dosen't then you know he only wants sex. Now you said people change after the act and this is true. This is because sex is not just an act of pleasure it is a very emotional act, so afterwards emotions get screwed up and both people change. Now the same happens even in a sincere marriage. In fact thats one thing you have to accept going into one; the person you marry is not the person you were dating. However, if the marriage is sincere then this can be over come. But in a relationship, this is usually where it dies as neither is ready nor committed enough for the change (granted either person is actually willing to show that things have changed; guys usually blow it off pretty well).I disagree that you don't know what someone is really like till after the act because if there is a change it was because of the act not because they were hiding something. Or worse, they were hiding the truth that the relationship was for sex not love, but this is something you should be able to find out before having sex. Unfortunately, you can't really ever tell for sure, without a doubt if your partner is truly in love with you for right reasons (because fyi we guys lie allot). But will having sex help reveal how much a guy loves and cares about you? No, definitely not.
...............................
A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (12 January 2008):
 If you are waiting for a true declaration of love you can believe in, the wait could be long, maybe longer than your hormones can hold out. It would vary from one relationship to the next, but my general answer is three to six months...you could shorten that if you see each other practically every day. To some people six months would sound a little extreme. But how do you measure true love? Love happens with shared personal experiences...not just dating and getting to know each other, but really getting dirty with each other doing things...making memories together.
Have you ever seen an adventure movie where the hero gets together with the girl and they go through a lot together and by the end of the movie they they're in love. Although it seems kinda hokey and predictable, in reality realionships are like that. It’s not so much the getting to know process, but the sharing that really makes or breaks a couple. You share good times, and if in the process you also enjoy your partner's company, that's how love starts.
I think that for most people out there the norm is to sleep together after just a handful of dates. Unless you are talking love at first sight, which I believe in but is rare, you just can’t fall in love that quickly. You barely know each other, even after four dates. What really happens after the handful of dates is that a trust is created and a comfort that it’s ok to have sex by that time. But you still can't call it love. I personally don't. You can call it a strong sense of like, but not love.
I personally have never had sex with a woman the first time and absolutely 100 percent thought it was love. I think I am normal on this. I think for most women it’s pretty much the same.
So here's a theory I'm putting out there. I think that in at least 80 to 90 percent of cases, in this day and age, sex happens before love. If anybody else disagrees lets hear it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): I think you can develop an instinct about these things, if I was unsure I would make him wait longer.
The other thing is, you could wait years, get together, and there just be no sexual chemistry. That doesnt mean he doesnt care for you, its just about compatibility.
There will always be people you think you know but you dont, and thats the risk we all take everyday.
I dont think its right that we only know after the act what a person is like, ideally you know them fairly well beforehand. I think if you use your gut instinct, you can work out 9.9 times out of 10 if a guy is only after one thing or not
...............................
|
