A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i've only been with two people. the first one last fall...well, i met him online and we hung out a few times and i wasn't even interested in him... i liked him in a friendly way - he was fun and funny company - but i knew in my heart that i was only spending time with him in an effort to heal my heartbreak about someone i was actually in love with but couldn't be with. this boy and i didn't really do anything but kiss and touch each other. he wanted to go farther, but i didn't feel right doing that. the second person i've been with is a very close friend of mine who i met early in 2010. i moved at the beginning of 2010, and i was plagued with all sorts of personal issues. i needed someone to lean on, so this new friend and i became emotionally close very quickly. we stayed just friends for most of the year; i loved my friend's positivity and i loved spending time with her, but i wasn't interested in her in a romantic way. instead, i fell deeply in love with a woman at the beginning of the year and this woman too was in love with me, so all my romantic energy was directed at her. she was already with someone else so nothing came of it. at first i was okay with it, but after not seeing her for a long time, i became more and more aware of how strong my feelings were for her and i became devastated. after she left, this woman started being very distant with me, i think because she was already in a relationship and her feelings for me caught her off guard. whatever the reason, she has broken my heart. my friend has been huge in helping me through this period. if it weren't for my friend, i maybe would not be here today. however, i feel like i made a mistake with her. one night i was so miserable i drank quite a lot of vodka. my friend came over and talked me through my feelings. she comforted me, and as she comforted me i felt so touched by her warmth and kindness that i started feeling the urge to be closer to her. she kept coming closer to me too. it started with just our knees touching each other as we talked and she reassured me, but soon i kissed her and we were making out. we had sex that night. then, several times after we had sex. i expressed many times to her how it didn't feel right to me, how we were friends and how sex complicates things and how i still had feelings for someone else... but we both just kept succumbing to temptation. it never did feel right. i'm not the kind of person who can have a casual romantic friendship; if i get that close with someone, it has to be an exclusive commitment... so it was totally unlike me, how i was behaving. this was meaningful and deep, but i saw how the great supportive friendship we once had was replaced by this sexual one. i think this was her first sexual experience, and i sensed that she was developing feelings for me but wasn't saying so. we were both just too lonely and sex-starved to stop doing what we were doing. in this day and age, i guess what i'm describing doesn't seem too bad. at least we've been really open and honest about our feelings about the situation - i feel like that's all you can do. i've tried having no relationships at all, and that's horribly lonely. but relationships, especially sexual friendships, are places where you can hurt someone or get hurt in a big way. i was so desperate that drunken night i kissed her, and all those times we were together sexually, and she knew that. she knew she was taking advantage of me when i was weak - that was no secret. i guess it's a two-way street. she's said so herself. the two women i fell deeply in love with, the boy i met online, and now this close friend of mine have made me want to give up on love at least for now. it's always so messy, and the timing never seems to be right. i guess what i'm saying or asking is...how do you be in relationship with people without hurting them or getting hurt? or is that just part of the deal?
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female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Well getting hurt from time to time is part of the deal of life as much as anything else.
Im not saying that everything is doom and gloom, but there will always be ups and downs and i guess how you look at them deal with them and move on is what matters.
Sleeping with a friends never usually ends well and people do often get hurt as feeling get hurt and friendships cant be the same as they were before.
Not everyone you get into a relationship will hurt you badly but no relationship will ever be perfect, what you cant do is spend time worrying about what might happen as that will ruin any chance of been happy, just pick yourself up dust yourself off and try again, its all we can do.
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