A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are suppose to be working on our marriage/relationship but he refuses to talk about a lot of things that I feel are important and he will become defensive, etc. How do we work things out if he will not talk? We do not live close to each other so counseling is not an option right now. Suggestions??? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Without knowing the specific issues, I could not say how to broach the topics. Instead, I'll assume a generic "lack of intimacy;" just ignore this if it doesn't apply to you.
If he has not cheated on you or beaten you, and you have not done so either, forgiving and forgetting may be the way to go. You say you live apart - do you only call/visit in order to try and discuss the relationship, rather than to *have* a relationship? He may get defensive because every time *you* try to communicate, it's just a prelude to getting him to admit to doing wrong, or making promises.
In situations like this, it's important to remember not just the objective truth, but how he may be perceiving it. Doing that for him is the first step to getting him to do it for you. So, rather than confronting him, go on a date. You could really surprise him and treat him to a nice steak dinner, or go to some place you both consider special. Maybe dance, whatever works for the two of you.
The key here is to be the first person to invest in repairing things in a selfless way, without expecting an immediate return. He may be defensive at first, perhaps suspecting you are buttering him up. If you genuinely just want to enjoy the relationship, he'll pick up on it eventually, and reciprocate.
Let this go on for a while. He may bring it up on his own, or be more open to you talking. Or he may not - but, if he doesn't, why worry about it? By this point you will have fixed the problem.
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