A
male
age
41-50,
*oe31
writes:Hey. I have been dating a girl for 2 years in a long distance relationship (lives an hour away) and she recently told me she needed a break. I am in the medical profession and for the last 5 months I have been working in a new job and studying at night and weekends for my exams (finished them end of July)and we did not seen each other much and when we did meet from time to time, there would be an argument of sorts about something very minor (not complimenting her dress, etc).During these five months she was unemployed (just graduated in January from grad school) and "had to" take a sales job (outside of her grad degree) whereby she will be on the road for 20 weeks out of the year and is totally stressed about it as she is a "homebody" and has a dog she has to give to her parents to watch during her business trips.I/we knew this 5 months would be tough and I thought we would be able to work on things; however, soon after the exams she told me she wanted to break up. A few days after that, she said she wanted "to try" and I told her I would do anything to make her happy (as I love her to death). That said, she told me the 5 months "killed her" and little things that bothered her snowballed into huge things during that time. She told me she loves me, wanted to marry me, and wants to be with me but needs "space." She said she misses me too much when we are together and wants to "wean herself" of me." I did a couple pathetic things like trying to reason with her,told her that I loved her, and now that I am not studying we have time for each other, etc. It worked marginally and we even met one day for lunch and she said things were great. After lunch (two weeks ago) we talked on the phone/text daily and it seemed like everything was going great. We were taking it slow and she wanted to visit last Saturday and Sunday but then backed out with really bad excuses..."I didn't check my phone."I text her Saturday night that I was ok with her not coming but I was disappointed that she ignored my text that day and didn't tell me she wasn't coming until last minute. I wished her the best at her new job and she only text back said, "Im sorry."No contact on Sunday at all. Then today, her first day at her new job, I had flowers sent to her that I ordered two weeks prior when I thought things were going well between us.Well, she text me tonight, "They (the flowers) are absolutely gorgeous and made my day." Then she sent me an email right after the text that said in essence, "I'm not sure how I should be going about talking to you and if I should even be sending you this email. Please don't feel like you need to respond. You have to do what you need to do and I completely understand because that is what I am at least trying to do. I just wanted to say thank-you, let you know the flowers are gorgeous, and they really did make my day." She then wrote about her day and then said, that something at work reminded her of me and ended it by saying, "Im thinking about you."I responded an hour later, "glad you had a good first day. You are going to be great at this job and one day laugh at all your nervous apprehensions."Look, I love this girl to death and want her back. I get the sense that she is trying to pin her "break" and no contact on me now. Am I thinking to much into this response or is she leaving me an opening to get her back?Thanks.
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male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (25 September 2010):
How is she stringing you along when you were the one who sent her flowers? She knows what she wants, it is you who is confused my friend. I encourage you to find some way to clear your head then gather your thoughts and analyse this situation from her angle as well as yours instead of just picking words at what she is saying. I get the feeling you are just missing the point.
The distance doesn't help any relationship and if your life goals are steering each other away, then you may want to consider the future of things to be especially with the choices you were making.
And about your military choices...you were choosing the military over your girl...uhh what to you think? ;)
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (22 September 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the insight - very helpful. Reading the last post reminded me of something that I forgot to mention.
While studying for my medical exams I decided that a military career path is something I may want to pursue. I told this to my girlfriend at the time and she totally freaked out. We had a discussion about it and I told her that if I did join, we probably would have to break up because it wouldn't be fair for her to stay with a guy abroad.
I was/am very serious about the military career and have been working out like crazy, taking all the physical/mental exams, and working with a recruiter weekly (even today).
She told me a ways back that she doesn't want to hold me back on this since I discussed the military when we first dated two years ago as a career option. Needless to say, she told me a few weeks ago that she can't deal with me joining the military and leaving her like that and she feels like I am abandoning her by doing so. She also was upset that I could make a decision like this without her (I told her we would discuss it when the time comes). In fact, at one point when we were talking two weeks ago and she said "things were better" but then I went to "Fort XXXXXXX" for more testing.
Recently, I was told that getting into the military under my MOS would be difficult because of some health issues in the past. I told her this and that if I do pass my medical exams (results in a few weeks), I would continue with being a civilian doctor and not the military option.
What kind of impact could this have played on her decision to break up? Will the fact that I wont likely join now even help? Could she be stringing me along until I get my results back on the medical exams?
Thanks in advance
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A
female
reader, taxiho +, writes (22 September 2010):
 Well, how is this for answer. First of all, I have been on both sides of the coin. The guy anonymous that left the message about not chasing her is totally correct in what he has to say. The problem with your girlfriend is that she has her parents to rely on. I betcha this girl is supported still by her parents. Adult children who get a lot of support from their parents have a hard time committed. Actually, this was never the case for me b/c my parents kicked me out on the street at 18. But, my younger brother and sister, 30, and 32 yrs old, are still taken FULLY care of by Mommy. It's actually pretty sick. Neither one of them can fully commmit into any relationship b/c they have that support. My sister breaks off relationships on every selfish whim she has.
I, on the other hand, didn't have this opportunity, and ended up marrying a very nice guy, but he has no means to financial support me in the future. He can't have children so essentially I have been angry since my 20's about this b/c I think he was selfish when he continued to pursue me after I did what your girlfriend is doing to you.
I believe that this girl is confused herself, but make no mistake about it, she does have feelings for you. But, here is the reality: Life is stressful enough, and she is in a long distance relationship with you. You are talking WAY WAY TOO MUCH to her. You need to either one of the two: You need to either get off your dead ass and get over there and propose and tell her you want marry her and that you will be w/ her NOW and whereever she goes. Actually, it probably won't work b/c she has her parents to rely on. I think if she didn't have supportive parents she would be with you in flash.
But, I will tell you for sure she is definitely giving you the back off. MAKE NO MISTAKE about it!! I don't care what she says to you after the fact. She has always gone back to the same everytime. I had a boyfriend that was like this and he ended up to this day being a noncommital person and is still alone. They want to be this way. They can't commit. Commitment gives them a "physical sickness" and "anxiety." Don't dare think you can change this. Not as long as Mommy and Daddy are in the picture. Again, if they weren't in the picture then she definitely would be w/ you b/c she wouldn't have that back up. Trust me, if I had Mommy and Daddy's financian support, I would have been realistic and moved on. My situation made it difficult. The only way you can make it "difficult" for her is to propose NOW to her and follow through. If she turns you down, then you need to back off b/c you will ONLY be doing yourself damage.
At the very least, you need to agree that maybe you email her once a week, and call her once a month. That is more managable for her and that will take the anxiety out of the relationship and only then will she be able to see you as source of "good things' and not of "anxiety." Trust me, I have no room in my life b/c my life is stressful for anybody other than my husband. Again, I believe her parents are the reason she is holding back, and it's because she can.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (22 September 2010):
Stop thinking too much into the response, just give YOURSELF some space and her as well. Respond if u must just don't throw a bag of emotions into it, keep it simple.
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A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (22 September 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTonight my ex sent me a picture text of the flowers I sent her and said, "Another long day. So Pretty! So sweet of you."
I didn't respond. Am I doing the right thing? Is this girl seriously trying to run my heart through the ringer or what???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): An hour away isnt a long distance relationship...
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A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (21 September 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both the responses. She told me early on during the break that I am her everything and she is afraid that she will no longer be able to be there for me because of her new job. I know from talking to friends that she has also been distancing herself from them as well.
Again, I feel as though she still has feelings for me but she is at the point where she can mover forward without me. It is tough to handle considering how much I lover this girl and want to be with her for the rest of my life.
I guess I will continue with the "no contact" with her and only respond if she initiates first. I just wonder if she is trying to get back at me or just being nice in an attempt to help me through things.
Should she follow up with contact, how should I respond?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): you have good intuition, i think that she is trying to distance herself , detatche and let go now, before the actual break up accures. I think you just have to give her space, give her some time to miss you, dont respond to anything at the moment, seem busy to her and that you cannot always be there, i know this sounds illogical but it will make her realize if she misses you/wants you/ etc and it will make her realize if the choice she is making is the correct one. How do i know this? well iv been in 2 LDR's and this is how it goes. Do not by any means chase her, it will only make her and push her further away... goodlucky my freind
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (21 September 2010):
It looks like you are thinking too much into the response but I am sure she knows how much you care. I think you should use this time to understand how she felt because I am not sure you understand why she needs the space.
Your relationship is not an easy one but continue to stay in her life but still give her the space she needs.
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