A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I decided that we should take our relationship to next level. We have been trying to have sex but we failed 3 times now. I love her and I don't want to force her to do something that she doesn't want and she knows that.It is too painful for her to do because she is a virgin or we think so. Because her previous boyfriend put it in a little bit without telling her. She had a painful experience and she says that there was blood but not too much. After that she broke up with him.Anyway what I am trying to say is if she is still a virgin it will hurt like hell for her. I am trying all I can to make her feel comfortable and safe. But I feel like I am unable to help her about her pain. If she is not a virgin there is a problem because I have no idea what to do, and yes I am going really really slow and soft.Other problem is that seeing in her in pain makes me unable to keep my erection. I get really sad to see her in that postion and I feel guilty about it. I really need your opinion about this
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broke up, erection, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 November 2014):
 I had a friend who had to have a doctor remove her hymen, it was an industrial strength hymen I guess. Once she had that minor surgery she was good to go.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2014):
 So OP has she ASKED you to help figure this out?
HAS she expressed a need to have intercourse with you and SHE is the one who is frustrated or is she ok with the status quo?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 November 2014):
By coming here for advice to help her and to suggest to her to consider visiting a gyn is about the farthest you can be from being a pervy hormonal guy. You're doing great. Please keep us updated on how things are going.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help guys. I guess I will try to talk about it with her. Ijust don't want to scare her off by looking like a pervy boy that just wants to fuck her.
I will listen to your advices and when the right time comes we will have the talk.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 She can't even use tampons? Then she's got a more severe case, this is not common. You should talk to her about seeing her doctor/gynecologist and get checked out. She should tell the doctor what her problems are, how tampons hurt her, and how she can not have sex. There are solutions, but she needs more help than whatever practical advice we have to offer on here. It might even be that she has a condition called vaginismus: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
I have a friend who had the same symptoms, could not use tampons either, and pap smears were very painful to her. She would have sex with her boyfriends but it always hurt her, and she never experienced any pleasure from it (not even after years of having regular sex, she just sucked it up for her relationships to survive). I told my friend she should see a doctor about it, because it's not normal. It's not supposed to be that way. My friend was too embarrassed to talk to a doctor about it, and you might find it difficult to persuade your girlfriend to talk to her doctor about it as well. But at least you can read up on vaginismus and maybe find other conditions that can explain her pain.
If she has vaginismus then no amount of foreplay or lubricant will help. Hence you really should have her see her doctor about this. Her pain is probably quite severe, if she can not even use a tampon, and this level of pain goes beyond what is normal for a virgin for her first time. Which is why she needs to take this seriously and talk to her doctor about it, rather than brush it under the carpet and think that this is normal and never get the help that could alter her life.
I am glad your girlfriend has such a resourceful boyfriend. I am glad you wrote to us for advice. I hope you can talk to her about this so she can get the proper advice and/or medical care needed. A health professional does know about sexual problems, and will have a lot more insight and proper advice to give her based on an examination of her, rather than guessing like we have to do online.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 November 2014):
At this point she needs to see a GYN if she can't even put a tampon in. She may have a disorder called vaginismus
has she ever gone to the gyn for a well woman visit. All women should either by age 18 or if they become sexually active before that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for anwering but our problem is definitEly not lubriciation. We had oral sex and I gave her an orgasm before. Foreplay is long enought to make her really wet. It is impossible for me to put my finger I have tried it before. She says that it hurts more because of my nail and they are not long. She can't even use tampons. I guess we need patience and time. I am not in a rush I just want to figure out our problem
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 November 2014):
Technicalities about whether she is a virgin or not doesn't matter. I would say she is. But this is not a debate on that, nor is it truly relevant. The point is: she is inexperienced. It hurts, because she's not used to having something stretch her out that way. For that matter, if a woman goes a long time without having intercourse, she too will probably feel it as painful when having sex again!
Or, for many women it will be painful if the penis is big, no matter how many times they have had sex. Some are just tighter than others.
But with you and her I think the problem is two things.
1. She's no doubt NOT aroused enough. What she really needs is moisture, not going soft and slow. Sure, those are good things too, but of she's dry as the desert down there it will not do a damn difference. She needs to be dripping so much the sheets get wet. Thats the kind of wetness Im talking about. Have you been doing oral? Have you given her an orgasm? Start with that, and you'll know how to get her wet.
2. She's tight. The solution is that she starts to masturbate and use her fingers, then work her way up to feeling pleasurable with thicker objects. She uses tampons, right? So a finger will not hurt her (same size). She needs to either do this herself, or you can lend her a hand if you know how to work her, which you might already know from step 1.
You will get there, just be patient and do all the other fun sexual things you can do!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 November 2014):
I hate to say this but if the ex boyfriend "put it in a little bit" she's NOT a virgin.
but that's neither here nor there...
if it's painful for her then you have to figure out if it's pain from fear... or something else.
do you spend a lot of time on foreplay and getting her ready? is she well lubricated and ready when you attempt insertion?
is she on hormonal birth control (pills, patch implant?)
have you both had STD testing and know you are clean?
what i suggest is that you two table intercourse for right now totally and do EVERYTHING BUT... outercourse and foreplay
lots of kissing, massages, necking, oral sex, petting..
NO plans for intercourse... just the preliminaries... see how that goes...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): Its not all about going slow but going slow as you turn her on. Spend like 30 minutes of foreplay, kissing her sucking her breasts and if she is fully nude breathing of her vagina. Perform oral sex on her and about 6 minutes into it insert one finger gently. if she isn't wet enough don't force it use your saliva to get her wetter and try using your pinky. Slow and gently and don't stop oral once you insert finger. If she is really small this is how you will have to have sex for a while, then gradually change fingers and eventually get two fingers in, make sure u stay sucking her. this gradual increase while not happen in one day but over weeks or months depending on her comfort and relaxation. but definitely no penetration with penis for several months. but when u get it, itll be worth it.
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