A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there, I hope this won't be too long but I'll give a little back-story. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and I used to be crazy about him. He was in the military for the first 3 years, then moved back home and found a job - it was our plan to save up and buy a house. We have now bought that house (half way through renovating it,) and have been living there for 6 weeks. Well my boyfriend is not the person I fell in love with. He has put on 5 stone - perhaps if his personality was the same I wouldn't mind... as though I want him to lose weight to be healthy I don't believe looks are important. I would never tell him this as I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I do try to encourage him to be healthy.He also has a bad temper and snaps all the time over every little thing - from how I put the washing on the line to things I buy at the Supermarket... Every little thing he snaps. I tell him all the time but nothing ever changes and he is very defensive. He wants to make all the decisions and always thinks he is right. He is contantly miserable. On the plus side he is very loyal and supportive, he can be so sweet and he is sensitive and caring - all the things I fell in love with. Please what can I do? I want to save my relationship but I honestly just feel like leaving him sometimes... I want us to be the same as we used to be.
View related questions:
fell in love, lose weight, military Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 June 2015):
 He's been in the military. Has he served in a war zone or experience a lot of stress? He could suffering some delayed post traumatic stress syndrome.
Is he dis-satisfied at work after he compares it with the friendships he made in the army.
I agree that buying a home and any renovating are expensive and tiring and sometimes emotionally draining and lead to less discretionary spending being possible.
In the military he was required to stay fit and be very physically active. He became used to eating at a certain level. If he still eats like a soldier but does no exercise he will put on weight. He probably hates that he's put on weight and does not feel as fit.
Exercise can also improve mood.
Could you encourage him to take some walks with you?
Everything you mention screams that he is under a lot of stress right now.
Try to encourage him to have a thorough medical to get him screened for a whole range of things.
Then to try to encourage some counselling to help him identfy the key stressors that are contributing to all his inner pain that is displaying all these outward signs of stress.
He is still the man you loved and he's trapped in a tighly constricting band of (possibly) depression that has been building with him.
Depression is one of the most treatable conditions a person can suffer.
He needs to get some medical intervention to find the keys to help him emerge fitter, healthier and less depressed.
My good wishes to you
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): People who get uncharacteristically short-tempered are usually under stress. Ask him what's going on at work?
Like Honeypie said he's a new homeowner. You're in the process of renovations, and that tends to make you very irritable and frustrated. If you can't do much to help, it puts all the weight on him.
Remember also that you're both displaced, you're in a different living environment and neighborhood. Everything is a mess, with so much work to do. You both have to balance time between work, and getting things done on the house to make it liveable. If he's doing all the heavy work; he may need help, but too macho to admit it. He's getting overwhelmed by how much still has to be done.
As a first-time homeowner; he's also feeling buyer's remorse. I know that feeling. When you've plopped down a large chunk of your savings; and now you've got a mortgage, property taxes, on top of insurance, car payment; and other living expenses. He may be in a period of readjustment and feeling overwhelmed. Unlike the majority of women, most guys refuse to show emotion; or express their feelings. Instead, we behave in a temperamental way; or just get touchy, mean, and irritable.
Don't allow him to take his tensions out on you. You deserve his respect and patience. You're going through the same things. You'd normally open-up, and tell him what you're feeling. He'll bottle it up to look strong and in control of things. While behaving like an ass.
When he snaps at you, remind him you're not a child and you're his equal. If he's having a bad day, you'll give him some room; but you will not walk on eggshells, nor tolerate the barking. Walkaway and don't engage him in an argument; because he will try to justify it. He doesn't deserve room for anything but an apology. You must set boundaries. You don't appreciate being talked down to, or his going-off on you. Tell him specifically what he is doing that upsets you.
Don't smooth it over. You have to show equality, if you want equality.
If there are other things you've observed in his behavior; take note of his alcohol consumption, or any other drugs.
To include recreational-use, and prescription drugs. There are are noticeable side-effects and mood-swings.
First and foremost, check how much sleep he's getting. If he's up all night working on the house; then up early and off to work. He isn't getting enough rest and sleep.
Worst case scenario...he may not like living like a married-couple. He could be suppressing how he really feels about being indebted and domesticated together. He also knows it's time to make a big step regarding your relationship.
Five years into a relationship, investing in property; and yet not married? Your finances are now interwoven, and you can't just pack-up and leave. He probably feels like his back is against the wall; since he can't just walkout now.
Address the behavior head-on. Tell him about the snapping and short-temper he's been displaying. Tell him how you feel about him, and that behavior. Don't nag or cry, be straight-forward. This isn't the time to be lollygagging about your feelings. You're in it for the long haul.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2015):
 Could be he is feeling the stress of being a first time homeowner and he doesn't KNOW how to deal with the stress so he snaps at you.
As for snapping at you on HOW you hang the laundry - suggest that he can help you and show you how he likes HIS laundry hung, but for your own.. you will do it YOUR way.
I would also suggest when he acts like that, DON'T try and defend yourself or "discuss" it, tell him that you are going to walk away EVERY TIME he talks to you that way because he is being disrespectful. IF he wants to come up with suggestions or advice... He can DO so in a decent manner.
I have to ask, the money being put into this house are they yours or his or shared? If they are primarily his... I can understand why he wants to call the shots, because he OWNS the house.
IF you are BOTH on the loan/mortgage then sit him down and tell him it needs to be a joint decision and you BOTH own the house and BOTH live there.
Was he deployed while serving? Did he have a stressful job in the military? I ask because he could be suffering from a form of PTSD or he could simple not be adjusting to civilian live as easy as he had wanted too. My husband has NOT adjusted easily to civilian life, find it VERY hard to deal with "stupid" people (as he calls them) in the military he was used to say jump and all his men & women under him would not question him, they would DO as they were told. I've had to tell him MANY MANY (shot countless) times to stop talking to the kids like they are little privates, yet when stressed he falls into that "Senior NCO" attitude - he even tries it with me, but gets no where there...
Is it "just" these last 6 weeks (since you bought the house) that he has been a jack-ass or was it more like when he got BACK from the military service? Because if it's been like this since he got back, then I'm afraid that THIS is who he is. And that he HID that well during his service. NOT sure there is anything you can do to change him.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 June 2015):
 Try talking to him about seeing someone for possible PTSD issues. If he gets all defensive and mad about that idea,back off and try to learn all you can about it. He didn't have to be in combat to have experienced the rigors of military service. Good Luck and best wishes.
...............................
|
