A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four months and things are going fairly well, but like most relationships, can be improved. In my case, it is about work. When we got together, he was starting a new job which was pretty well paid. However, a few months later, he was made redundant and up til now still has no work. He has had a poor employment history. Recently, he has applied for a job and managed to obtain a second interview but has mis-laid one of the important documents required to take to this interview. This has annoyed me as much as him. We are into each other and he takes our relationship very seriously. But how can we develop solely on my wage (I have an average income) and with him being 'careless' about looking after his documents? Am I being petty for being annoyed over this loss? Is he just unlucky with work or is he work-shy? Do I continue this relationship with him? Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Do the two of you share a home together or any mutual exspenses?
This is a new relationship, barely out of the honeymoon phase, and he slipped. Nowdays, it is pretty typical to have a choppy work history in your early 20's. The job market is wobbly and good jobs are hard to come by.
However, if you LIVE together and agreed to share exspenses, then he NEEDS to get a job or you invite another flatmate in to share costs. Simple as that.
You are not financially accountable for him.
If you continue seeing him, do things that are free, but by NO means pay his way. When he has an income again and starts developing his own cash flow, work your way into sharing costs and testing the waters to treat eachother.
Best Wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): This is probably a common situation nowadays, I have been a 'last in first out' victim myself. Ime neither unreliable or workshy.
Has he asked you to lend him money or pay for nights out etc or are you seeing this as the future with him?
I would say he is probably devastated about being unemployed when he thought he had secured a good, well paid job. Misplacing paperwork that he may not have needed for years is not a dealbreaker either - poor bloke - can he get copies?
He probably needs support from you, rejection letters are hard enough without feeling 2nd class and unable to pay his way.
Its not your fault or problem however and either you help with the job hunt and support him in that way or move on if its a dealbreaker for you and early days as a couple.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I'm with Chigirl. You've been dating for 4 months. You're not married. You're not engaged.
I have sympathy for your boyfriend in this economy, but at the same time, he needs to keep track of his documents. Also, you shouldn't be "developing" on your income. Four months is way too short to even think about supporting him, developing on your income, or getting too involved in his financial health.
Do not give or lend him money. Let him work out his problems. If you allow your money to be used in the relationship, you can kiss it goodbye. Money will destroy a relationship that isn't ready for it, and when I mean ready for it, that's marriage level.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Continue the relationship and see where it goes, but DO NOT PAY FOR HIM. You aren't married. Don't pay his way for him, don't let him move in for free or do anything else. Do not mix finances with relationships! Keep your money away from him until you know him better and know what kind of man he is. Do NOT pay his way. Do NOT lend him money.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I think your being too hard on him. I say this mainly on the basis of this sentence:
This has annoyed me as *much as him*.
My emphasis. If he was work-shy then it wouldn't annoy him. I have to confess I am more naturally predisposed to sympathise with his position. I have a poor work history and am somewhat scatter-brained when it comes to losing things. It's simply the way I am; in terms of how my mind works, I can grasp complicated political/economic/philosophical ideas and write what are generally recognised as intelligent, insightful things about them. Ask me where I put my keys down last however and that is a different matter. If he is anything like me then that will be immensely frustrating for him (as you seem to indicate it has been) and he will be beating down on himself enough, without you joining in.
A poor work history doesn't mean he is unlucky or necessarily workshy, why did he get made redundant? Given the economic climate, it sounds like he could well have been 'last in, first out' which is simply a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, in a bad economic environment. What it could also mean is that he needs to find a job that is fulfilling for him, and therefore he will feel able to stick with. Maybe you need to talk to him about things in that sense; ask him to explain and maybe tease out of him why he feels this is the case. My point is that he doesn't sound work shy (because workshy people wouldn't be bothered about the loss). I can understand your frustration, he obviously does because he shares it, but I think you need to put it aside in favour of more empathy in this case. Good luck :).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I hope you are not paying for him at the moment, If you are you need to stop as you have only been dating for four months and that is no where near enough time to figure out if he is using you for money.
Even if his main intention is not using you, he could get used to you brining in the money, and when his needs are taken care of why would he want to go out and look for a job.
Call me old fashioned but I think that both parties in a relationship have to contribute financially, and as equally as possible at that. .
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