A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What should I do? First, I can't believe I'm writing about my situation. I've always felt I could deal with my marriage without outside help, although I've been to marriage/sex therapy 12 years ago. I've been married for 18 years now. Boy how time flies. I love my wife dearly and she says the same of me, but over the past 6-12 months she does not show much if any affection. Sometimes I feel I'm the female in the relationship! She is an only child and claims to need a lot of alone time. We are currently stressed out due to financial cash flow right now. I'm sure we'll survive, but it's taking a toll on our marriage. My mom is dying in the hospital to add to the stress. I have two tween/teen kids. I've not had regular income for a few years and I'm finally getting back into the swing of it, so my wife has borne a responsibility of bring in the income. She's supported my entrepreneurial efforts to give us a chance at a better life. But it's taking its toll. So I'm not sure what to do. I want to be intimate with her, but she is burned out with work to pay our bills. She's a workaholic and doesn't know how to balance her life with work, marriage and family. I guess finances come first here. I try to be romantic. I offer her a bath, a massage, but she is disinterested. I'm freaking out because I don't want to get a divorce, but I'm not getting my needs met, and apparently I can't meet hers. But we love each other still and maybe we just need to weather our financial storm.Further, she says the reason she doesn't want to be with me is that I only want one thing: sex. While I'm a guy and certainly like it, I also want love, intimacy and attention that doesn't have to include sex. Our sex life is generally terrible. We want to reverse that, but we've never been able to. She always blames me for the poor experience. That I "grope" too much and she likes it slow. I try my best to accommodate her wishes, but it's never enough. One small mistake and I'm yelled at. I don't want to go outside the marriage, but I feel lost. I feel I can't coax her to come back into the marriage, to show affection. I get a few kisses at most each day before she goes to work. I don't know if I'm selfish or she is. I feel stuck. Like we're in marriage limbo. I think that perhaps if I just left her alone for weeks with no speaking or giving her attention that maybe she'll come to me. But then I feel alone. That's hard. Can someone offer some great advice? Since we're under financial stress, we can't just take a romantic vacation or pay for expensive marriage counseling. Thanks in advance. Be kind in your response!
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male
reader, Marriedtwokids  +, writes (13 February 2008):
There appears to be two inter-related problems: money and intimacy.Firstly money. You say you are an entrepreneur. I have no idea what that means in practical terms in this case. Maybe you work very hard 16 hours a day 7 days a week. Maybe you lounge around all day making a few calls now and then. Maybe it’s something in between. I don’t know which it is, or how it appears to your wife, but whatever it is it’s not (by your own account) bringing in the bacon.I am afraid the truth is that some women, perhaps many women, consciously or subconsciously still look to their male partner to take the lead in providing financial security for the family. Even if you think that is a sexist generalisation, the reality is that any life-partner may be happy to carry the burden of earning for a time and maybe even a long time, but they will start to resent it if they are slaving away whilst it appears their partner is not pulling their weight in the relationship and is pursuing a pipe dream, whether that’s being, for example, an author, or a painter or an entrepreneur.I don’t know what your business is, but I think you have take a very cold and calculating look and work out if this is a “short term” cashflow problem, or a business that isn’t working and has no realistic prospects for it to work. If you can’t tell or feel you can’t make an objective judgement, ask a professional or friend who knows a thing or two about business and who is not connected to it to take a look at it. You have to be scrupulously honest, because its sounds like an accurate assessment of whether your business will prosper or will continue to stumble along or fail and the decisions you make on that assessment is going to determine if your marriage is going to survive.If it’s not going to work, you have to be brave and pull the plug and get a regular job. It will be tough giving up a dream, but sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want to do for what is the right thing to do for our loved ones. Just consider your wife: do you think she wants to be carrying the heavy burden she does? She does it because she loves you. Get some professional advice on how to close it down properly, get looking for work and get yourself on an even keel financially.If you genuinely think it is going to work, then you have to consider finding ways to show you are pulling your weight in practical terms until it starts to come right. Firstly, and very importantly, do as much of the housework as possible. Your wife will be pretty annoyed if she works all day and is then expected to do all the cooking, cleaning etc as well. Do not wait to be asked to do it, and do it well. If you don’t know how to, ask someone or otherwise find out. Don’t boast about doing it either, just quietly get on with it. Making your wife’s life as easy as you can at this time shows you care and respect the efforts she is making. Actually, this is pretty good advice generally.Secondly, think about getting a part-time and/or temporary job. Making a regular financial contribution, even if small, again shows respect. Be prepared to swallow your pride and do work you would not normally do. Hopefully it is only temporary, and in making that sacrifice you show your wife you are doing your bit.Thirdly, be honest and tell her how long it is going to take for your business to come good. Agree a realistic but not extended deadline with her, after which you will jointly determine if you should carry on or stop and get a regular job.Then there is intimacy. If your wife is tired from working, is stressed about money, and maybe feels you are not pulling your weight, then it is amazing you are getting any sex at all. No wonder she feels unhappy receiving your advances. Until you start addressing these things, stop pestering her so much (as she sees it) for sex.Now that does not mean stop being intimate. Baths etc are a step in the right direction, but may appear to be an attempt by you to get her in the mood for sex (which, I suspect, is exactly what they are) and so become a source of pressure rather than of relaxation. A better bet is to do fun relaxing things together. I think others have suggested a walk in the park, which sounds nice. What about taking a picnic that you have made? A trip to the cinema need not cost much if you avoid the snack concession. Maybe cook a meal at home without it looking like an attempted seduction. You get the picture. Use it to help communication between the two of you. The key is to make it fun and relaxing for her (and you!) and not a transparent prelude to you trying to get into her knickers.You suggest she has issues about sex. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn’t, but I can tell you now, you are in a very poor position at the moment to expect or ask her to lighten up. Help her with the stress in practical terms, get the intimacy going, and then you can see about improving your sex life. In the mean time, if your frustration gets too much at times then discretely “sort yourself out”, if you get my drift; for heavens sake do not go looking for affection elsewhere!I am sorry this all sounds rather harsh and maybe a little unfair. Please don’t get me wrong, I understand you are under stress too, particularly with the respect to your mother. I have no reason to doubt you love your wife but if you want to give your marriage the best chance of surviving, you need to work hard on a number of fronts, give her (and you as well) a chance to relax, and maybe, if necessary, sacrifice your dream of being an entrepreneur.I hope it works out.
A
female
reader, happyholly +, writes (7 February 2008):
send her a letter,seems strange but sometimes we listen but dont hear because we r so stressed, a letter is sometimes the way 2 go. Exsplain all your concerns and worries and tell her that you love her very much and want for you both 2 be happy. Ask her 2 if you can both sit down 2gether and talk this through. She can then have the opption of sending a letter back or sitting down and talking.
I have also been married for 18 years and when things start 2 get rocky i end up sending a letter when i feel my husband is just not listening. It has worked for us in the past ,give it a go.
Good luck,Hollyx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Now, I don't know how "great" this information will be, but we'll give it a go. You two are allowing life to control you, instead of taking control. You're not married to your finances. You're not married to your children. All though they are responsabilities in life, you're married to each other and your marriage needs attention.
All though she supported your entrepreneural efforts, how do you think she feels being the one working to pay the bills? As you feel a bit alone, I bet in that area she does as well. You look at sex as loving your wife and showing her. She looks at it as being asked to perform a task. I could just hear what she's thinking. "I worked all day and he wants what." When she feels this way, it's like feeling as if she's not being respected.
Let me ask you this. How do you feel about her working? How do you feel about how your entrepreneur efforts not working out the way you planned? Many of us think about the "American Dream", but do we take that a bit too far when looking at what life, intimacy, and real happiness lies? You don't have to take a vacation. What about taking a walk holding hands in the park. It doesn't cost anything and can be extremely romantic. Too often we let life take control with the stress and all our obligations, we tend to allow ourselves to no longer enjoy and appreciate just being who we are and loving those we choose to spend time with. Now money would buy a nicer home and cars and allow those vacations, but if the two of you are still off balance, no matter how much money you had, your marriage would still be the way it is now. I recall a quote by Tony Robbins, he stated "Money doesn't solve all our problems, it only allows us to show up to the other problems in style."
I'm friends with entrepreneurs. Quite a few of them in a month earn my yearly wage. One thing they all have in common is they put family first. Without family, what would the increased income matter? What it does do is allows freedom. Now, when being an entrepreneur, you shouldn't think about the money, or the possability of. A quote by Zig Ziggler makes so much sense, "you can have anything you want if you only help enough people get what they want."
You know marriage doesn't have the ability to fail on its own. It takes people to cause it too. To get you started in the right direction with your marriage, I want you to do something for your wife. Plan a romantic dinner, sending kids to friends homes. Just you and her. This dinner needs to be for the reasons of (1) Appreciating everything your wife had done for the family (2) To apologize for the possability of her feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, etc. (3) To let her know, all though you're going to be working, you'll make sure your marriage is first. (4) Asking her to join with you in renewing your marriage and bringing it to an ultimate new level.
That's all I can give for now. When you've done the dinner, let us know if she's with you in this. It takes two to develop a negative marriage and it will take two to turn it around.
Take care and good luck.
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