A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This sorta thing has probably been asked in many forms before, but here goes...It's starting to come to me that my girlfriend and I are both stubborn, strong willed people. Neither of us likes to be "told what to do" or told we're doing something wrong. We both occasionally have little outbursts of temper when stress gets high.For the most part, I'd say 90%+ of the time, we get along very well. We are compatible and we don't really ever disagree on the really major things couples may fight about (money, religion, etc).But when we do argue, often over small things and usually because one of us is stressed out because of something having nothing to do with the other, we both tend to dig in our heels and get really stubborn. If things escalate enough, sometimes empty threats or petty insults or arrogance starts showing up. This sort of escalation happens most often when we're text messaging, understandably because the emotional context is weak to nonexistent and we both easily misunderstand each other.We never have ever gotten to a point of any physical violence, and I know myself that physical control is one area I've mastered - no matter how angry I get I never even have the impulse to do anything physical. After such a heated argument, we will end up not talking for a few hours to a day. Sometimes it ends with one of us - usually her - saying "leave me alone!" and disappearing. After this cooling off period, we'll give our apologies and everything is great again. I know that every couple has their moments and there's no such thing as a couple who doesn't fight. But I feel like something more could be done about these fights we have from time to time. I know that the basis for it is both of our stubbornness. On her part, as well, she has an unwillingness to accept that sometimes she just needs that helping hand, listening ear, comfort - she tries so hard to deal with everything in her life herself, and this sometimes is the spark that can start an argument - when she's highly stressed, she can tend to feel that my offers to help her are instead jabs at her self-worth (which they're obviously not.) This problem also makes her very reluctant to seek out any professional help with anything, because again, she seems to feel that she has to be able to do things alone, and that asking for or accepting too much help is a bad thing.I have tried calmly talking to her, and when we're both calm and relaxed, we both can admit that we're not perfect and can even talk about what we should do if we fight. But the thing is, when the next fight does come on, we once again draw the line in the sand and it's like the things we discussed are easily forgotten.So it's not really so much anger management as it is stubborn management. I really do love this girl and I can easily imagine myself in a future with her long-term. I only want to see if there's any way that together we can reduce the amount of pointless bickering we experience. It's obvious she has a hard time dealing with stress, but I wish she'd be more OK with just allowing herself to lean on my shoulder (figuratively and literally) and know I've got her back. And as for me, I need to learn how to realize that sometimes being stubborn isn't worth the damage it can do to a relationship. Most importantly, I need to be able to do that WHEN the fight starts...We're not on the verge of a breakup or anything so there's plenty of opportunity to deal with this, and the time is now - before it gets worse. What is the best thing for me, and us, to do?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 While you have noted the difficulties that this stubborness and argumentativeness has caused in your relationship..... I'm guessing that it doesn't take place "in a vacuum".... and that you and your girl also exhibit this behaviour in contacts outside your relationship......
Assuming that.... you are not alone.... as you are describing the behaviour that many people exhibit. What one needs to do to address such behaviour, is to understand why they undertake it.... and to see its unhelpful/destructive nature... I'd guess that both of you have had difficulties at work (as well).... say from ".... some dunderheaded co-worker who's just too stupid to understand how to listen to me and do as I say..."
There are oodles of "self-awareness" and "self-help" books and articles that one can avail to themselves, so that they can learn to understand themselves better.... and they can learn how to more smoothly interact with others....
In my long and glorious career in sales and service, I attended a number of classes and seminars which were based on such books/articles.... and I usually came away with a better understanding of me, of life, and in how to prioritize what really IS (and ISN'T!) important in life...
Look around... and see if you and your G/F aren't wasting oh-so-much time and energy.... AND adding stress to your otherwise-darn-good relationship... with these sorts of interactions.... THEN....
.... look for, and find out, how to eliminate them from your lives.... You (and she) will be less-stressed, and will actually be BETTER PARTNERS when you morph to a more-cooperative lifestyle....
Good luck.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): You are aware that the source of your problem. Stubbornness!Nip these fights at the bud! Retreat to your opposite corners, and leave the issue on the table to cool off. You're both fighting for control of the other.You are two adults, and what you both are doing amounts to tantrums to have your way. This is childish behavior. I don't believe you can settle and/or avoid major problems; if you can't handle the little ones. There is usually one of the two that is less compromising than the other. That's why the fights intensify. If your partner won't back down, why can't you? Since you are the one writing this post, and you want to do something about it. Take personal responsibility for putting this petty bickering to an end. What choice will she have but to follow suit?The fight doesn't end until there is either a victor or someone surrenders. Practice calling a truce and agree to disagree.
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