A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello.My boyfriend and I are great. His brother is our problem. He has severe health issues and my boyfriend and I want him to take better care of himself. We just don't know how to go about it.The guy drinks 4 x 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. He drinks it when he's dehydrated and he drinks it right after he wakes up. He is severely obese and suffers partial seizures that are becoming more frequent. At first we thought it was because he got overheated easily because of his weight, but his last few episodes has occurred on beautiful days inside A/C buildings. His doctors believe he may have epilepsy, but his brother and him are doing everything they can to say no he doesn't - because if he did, he would have to surrender his license. Whenever we bring up his eating habits, he gets extremely defensive. He lives off of crackers, bread, cheese, sandwich meats, and Diet Coke. The only time he eats a well balanced meal is when I cook - and I do not make enough money to be constantly feeding him, myself, and my boyfriend. It's fine if it's just me and my boyfriend because we have left overs, but his brother is such a huge eater that we NEVER ever have any left overs. Ever. My meals that are supposed to last all week only last a day.He sleeps terribly. He sleeps during the day for a few hours and is up throughout the night. He sleeps on the floor when he has a perfectly good mattress.. but his room is also very dirty. Lots of empty cans of soda, dirty plates, etc. It's really sad to see him live his life like this. He is unemployed and is struggling to find a job because of his major (game art) and his outward appearance I'm sure. Very obese/acne/sluggish looking. Not very professional. We have tried to talk to him about his Diet Coke addiction but he will not have it and it's stressing my boyfriend out to the point we argue about how his family is being too lenient on his brother. Their dad is a DOCTOR who downplays the whole thing and doesn't care his son is unhealthy (if he does not have diabetes, he will soon have it) and his mom is a NURSE who enables this all by buying him canned soup/other bad food.I talked to my boyfriend about enabling him as well. Before we started dating, he and his brother would order take out together with my BF paying for it. Told him to stop doing that because his brother would order a whole large pizza to himself.How do we go about this situation? Do we just let his brother live his life as he pleases?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): To the person that responded and asked about canned soup: There's nothing wrong having it for a meal every once in a while, but as I said in my question, he lives off of it. It is not healthy.He has mentioned that he wants to lose weight, but is not doing much to do so. His mother bought weight loss shakes but they are not helping.. as he does not follow the diet/does not exercise. My bf and I have decided to let him do his own thing and if it comes to it, do what one poster said about a serious talk about his future - not having a very long life, killing a family if he has a seizure in the car, etc.Also I would like to note that my bf is NOT the one that is trying to say his brother doesn't have epilepsy. His MOTHER is. His mother is being irresponsible and enabling his unhealthy habits. It is depressing to see.Again, thank you for all your answers.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2014):
 Sadly you can't do anything. In fact, NO ONE can do anything to fix this until the person who needs fixing wants fixing.
You can live your life to be healthy and set an example. It won't help.
You need to let it go and let him do his own thing after you make sure he's aware you are willing to help IF he's willing to make an effort.
If he's willing I would suggest having him consult a bariatric surgeon about Weight loss surgery. It made a huge change in my life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 December 2014):
 What's wrong with canned soup? That's what I'm having for lunch today matter of fact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): Thank you all who wrote good advice. Unfortunately, after posting this, I found that his mother went 'grocery shopping' and bought even more canned soup for him to eat. My bf and I cannot be the only ones trying to help him.
It is very sad to see him live this way and even more sad to see his parents not doing anything to help him. I do not know what to do but think that even if I do take drastic measures, it will not help.
Thank you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): Your boyfriend's brother won't change until he wants to -- you can't force him, no matter how hard it is to watch his unhealthy habits. And it sounds like it's really hard. You are a very caring person, but there is nothing you can do until the brother is ready to change.His parents are probably even more worried than you are, but they know that nagging never causes a person to change his or her habits.Also: I don't know what state you live in, or what the laws are there. But in most states, just being diagnosed with epilepsy is not enough to cause someone's license to be suspended. Uncontrolled seizures, however, will make you lose your license temporarily. You can find your state's law here: http://www.epilepsy.com/search/site/license?f[0]=bundle%3Adriving_laws
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2014): What a terrible situation. First he needs to get a full physical exam to determine the cause of his seizures and if he has cvd, diabetes, thyroid disease and any other major issues. He needs psychological counseling, that is obvious. His parents are totally at fault here for denying the obvious and doing nothing about it. I also think he would be better off walking or riding a bicycle if he loses his access to driving. Drinking that much diet coke alone could be causing major health issues since artificial sweeteners are known to cause many health problems. I would recommend that he try a paleo diet not weight watchers and that he start walking at least one mile per day. You can only make suggestions, you can't force him to do anything but hopefully he will realize with your suggestions that he isn't going to live much longer on this path. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 November 2014):
 Only he can take responsibility for himself. It is very sad if everyone wants to accommodate his needs and wants though I expect that he has massive tantrums if he does not get the food he wants.
At least no one is cleaning up his room for him. As it should be. If he wants to live in squalor in his room then he is responsible for it.
It would be good if both his father and his mother chose to not enable him.
He probably does have sleep apnoea. Untreated it could kill him.
http://www.sleepapnea.org/
His father could refer him to a specialist for a Sleep Study.
His lack of exercise possibly and his obesity means that he probably does need a thorough check with a cardiac specialist. If his father truly thinks there is no problem then Prove it doctor. His father could refer him to a cardiac specialist.
If he is mainly sedentary and does not get out much except to use his car for short journeys then he may not be getting enough Vitamin D. This could affect his bone density. which could lead to him having weakened bones leading to his to break his bones more easily in the future.
To disprove this the father could order a bone density test.
Yes he needs a thorough physical, perhaps undertaken by a less biased doctor than his own father. due to his eating habits and all the enabling going on it might be better if he stayed in a hospital overnight to ensure that he does fast before the test in the morning.
And finally I suspect that he may be depressed. He does not have the energy to pick up his own rubbish. He lives in squalor.
once again his father could easily source a decent therapist.
No point in paying for a online subscription to W-watchers as he is unlikely to adhere to the advice until it is too late.
I imagine that he has trouble getting a girlfriend unless he pays a girl to see him. What a horrible lifestyle he is living.
But no you cannot stop this train wreck.
However a few tests to show what he is doing to his body and where it might lead him in the next ten years might help. But he may only start to care when it is too late.
If he refuses all help then the family could try and intervention and send him off to an affordable retreat to help him to start losing weight and taking better care of himself.
If he is too scared to even take any test then suggest that he needs some psychological counselling.
But if he utterly refuses all offers of assistance and doggedly refuses to even try anything then resign yourself to the fact that he may die young.
You could find some articles and videos and make a compilation of houses having to be demolished to get the morbidly obese person out of the house, stories of men in their 30s who became too fat to even wipe themselves in the bathroom. And all the sadness when a special heavy lifting device has to be used to lift the coffin into the strengthened hearse.
But I have a horrible feeling that all the above will fail. And that he will remain in denial.
As a last resort get some brochures on cemeteries and start talking to him about what casket he wants and what sort of funeral he wants. Ask him if he's got a document in place re if he wants the doctors to try to resuscitate him if his heart does fail.
I am so sorry to hear that his father and mother have so given up trying to influence him.
Losing access to his car would be a blessing for him. He might have to walk more often.
Have his parents considered that if he was driving his car and had a seizure that he could kill a child with his car, or a whole family. They could prevent that by being more proactive about getting him the medical attention he needs, but they have given up trying to convince him on this score.
Though at all times he has to WANT to get healthier
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