A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm writing this for guidance. I've been dating my girlfriend for just 4.5 months now. We are in love and talk about how we're definitely going to marry each other all the time. She asked me if I wanted the relationship originally. my girlfriend has had 3 times the amount of sexual partners that I have but we've each only had one real relationship before. My gf would never give me blowjobs before despite me going down on her regularly. We've had numerous talks about it and how I want her to do it for me. Though things have gotten better with it, she still does not do it regularly unless I ask her to. What makes me more jealous than anything is that she's told me that in her other relationship she gave them regularly. Lately our sex life has been strange. I feel like I initiate each time. She tells me that she's never enjoyed sex more than with me and that nothing I do is wrong. Lately when she does want to have sex she will tell me to make it quick. Two days ago I went down on her til completion then we just went to sleep. Last night we started having sex and she told me it was my turn but then about 2-3 minutes later she told me she was aggravated and that I should finish quickly. She is an emotional person and I get that but it is enfuriating that she does not take it upon herself to satisfy what I want out of sex. She tells me that I make her feell like she is hanging by a thread in the relationship even though I repeatedly tell her my feelings. We will have long talks about what I want that she's not doing and our sex life in general and she will agree with everything I say but to this point only slight progress has been made. I'm just so frustrated with everything and I want guidance on the issue. last night I told her that if she doesn't want to have sex we can at least perform oral on each other and she agreed but I don't know how serious she was. When we have good sex it's amazing,But when we have bad sex it's bad due to her not being into it. Last night I stopped completely when she said she was aggravated. I do plan ok marrying this girl and I love her as much as she loves me, this is just the one thing I can't seem to iron out in the relationship. Please give me advice on this issue. Thank you in advance!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2014): I don't know where to start. First, though it's ok to say what you need in bed from your partner, it's definitely not ok to criticize. And it's not ok to insist. I don't kow why she told you she did blow jobs constantly buti have a impression she is not telling the truth. May be she doesn't like giving oral. Honestly, if I didnt want to please my partner , I wouldn't do them either. It's not that I hate doing it, but it's definitely not my favorite thing to do. And if my boyfriend had precum, I would just refuse. I once did it with a guy who had it, and it was just awfull.,Are there any other demands that you discuss with her that she doesn't do? Why I am saying this is because once I had a very short lived boyfriend. He was a bit adventures in bed. That's why he was very short lived. He liked spanking, anal, non stop oral (me on him). Himself he didnt like to give oral.,his demands for all these things made me sick to my stomach. I had to leave though I liked him. He was telling me too non stop how I don't want to please him. When she said make it quick, does it take you forever to finish ? If it takes you like half an hour to finish, I am not surprised she is asking to finish faster.I don't think you guys are very much compatible in bed. And it's way too early to all about marriage!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2014): "We will have long talks about what I want that she's not doing and our sex life in general and she will agree with everything I say but to this point only slight progress has been made."
When I read this I get the feeling your gf should run. No one should be having long talks about what the partner is doing wrong in their sex life at 4.5 months into a relationship. This is the ROMANTIC HONEYMOON PERIOD- not the lecture my gf about her sexual deficiencies according to me period, lol.
Maybe she hates blow jobs, maybe she is too passive to initiate sex, maybe she hates sex, maybe you're not compatible in that dept. One thing is sure she will become fed up with above pretty quickly and sex will be a total stress and turn off if it isn't already.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (29 November 2014):
Also OP, the 'hanging by a thread' comment could back up what I said too. Time to stop picking holes in her sexual skills because she's feeling like she's failing to meet your needs so much that you may leave her because if it.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 November 2014):
"We will have long talks about what I want that she's not doing and our sex life in general"
This would have a terrible impact on my sex drive. I'd feel like an unsexy failure if my boyfriend constantly had long talks with me about where he felt I needed to improve in the bedroom. Especially after only 4/5 months! Chill out, you should still be getting to know each other at this stage and experimenting, not having long talks about what you feel she should be doing better.
OP it doesn't sound like she's particularly confident in bed, nor does it sound like she enjoys it much (despite what she tells you - it sounds like she's telling you what she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth). All of these expectations you are placing on her will not be helping either. A persons sexual performance is very delicate area, and the way to approach it is to gently tell her what you like, rather than giving her a post-match debrief of the areas in which her performance wasn't up to scratch.
It's ok to tell your partner what you like and it's good that you can talk about sex together, but I think you could be coming across as a bit too demanding with her. This is a sure fire way to kill her confidence and sex drive. Maybe she's nervous about initiating sex? Men don't often understand this but we women are told it's not very ladylike and it's a hard barrier to overcome. There is also the very real chance that she doesn't like giving blowjobs. She might get over that with time and encouragement, but she certainly won't by being pressured into it. In fact, it could become something she hates to do because she associates it with stress.
I hope you don't think I'm having a go at you because it's clear you love this girl, but I think you're coming on a bit strong. Your girlfriend needs encouragement and tenderness from you. Of course there is a chance that you are not sexually compatible, but it's still too early to tell that and I truly think this could be fixed if you stop making her feel like she's useless at sex.
To put it another way, you sound a bit like a micromanager boss, who watches his employee like a hawk and then talks them through a list of their failings to try to help them improve. Good managers realise that this leads to nerves and a crisis if confidence, and accept that their employees will not be perfect from the start but with support and encouragement they will thrive.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 November 2014):
 She could be saying she gave exes oral just to get off the case so she didn't have to explain to you why she has hang ups about it. She might even be insecure about her ability in bed so she told you what she could do, not knowing that only caused you jealousy. When she was aggravated does that mean you've gone on too long and she's starting to feel numb? What does that have to do with being emotional? I am also guessing she has a lower libido than you.
You may think having more sexual partners than you must mean she's more experienced. Not necessarily. Girls will always have more suitors pursue them. Being playful and confident in sex require life experience, physical maturity and open mindedness. When I was her age I was clueless about sex and about what turned me on.
If you want a general answer to your question why she doesn't like oral and why she doesn't initiate sex, it would be because doing oral to a guy feels degrading, and to initiate sex feels too aggressive for a girl to do it.
As to whether she's attracted to you, I can't tell. You are asking something deep that a young person may not be able to elaborate, or have the vocabulary to express to you.
What doesn't help though, is comparing your experience now than your imagined version of what went on with her exes. She should have genuine desire and to explore at her own pace, not to do things to appease your libido or ego. To love each other also means accepting what's at the present moment without manipulating things in order to soothe an anxiety.
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