A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some advice.A few months ago, I found out the man in my life had been having an emotional (non sexual) affair with a friend of his that he's had for the past decade. This girl is absolutely besotted with him and he was giving her advice about her messy lovelife with the father of her daughter. Anyway, they became emotionally close but he told her he didn't want it to go further because he has me in his life. Finding out about what really happened from him, it sounds like he really did the honourable thing and tried to break it to her gently. He blames himself and feels terrible for having led her on and for breaking my heart. Things are all out in the open now and for me, it's just the lies and deceipt that's hard to accept.After much tooing and frowing, I know that I love this man with all my heart and want to work at repairing things. I think he's worth it. Other than the fact we grew distant last year, we had an otherwise WONDERFUL relationship and we're each other's best friends. I was wondering though, how can you get past an emotional affair? When I'm not with him, I think he must be with her or thinking about her. When I AM with him I keep asking him if he's thinking about her. But he only seems to have ME on the brain, telling me how much he loves and misses me and where to from here with US. When I mention her, I immediately realise I'M the one keeping her between us and that she's not actually really THERE. I hate myself for being so suspicious, but when he tells me he hasn't talked to her in weeks and he wants to work on things with me and make it up to me, I feel all this love and devotion towards him, but then the suspicion kicks in and I want to see proof that it's over between them. If I had my way, (and I thought it wouldn't make me come across like a total freak), I would force myself to check all his emails and phone texts to see what was happening if anything. But part of me's so afraid of what I'll see. I do trust that it's over, but what if I see emails from her hounding HIM.. something I'll never be able to erase out of my head. Is it wrong to just want to trust him and move forward with him from here? Other than this emotional affair, he has been the most perfect partner and I know that people make mistakes in life and I just need to forgive and make the decision to move on. But I wish I could kill her from my mind.. What can I do to rid her from us entirely? If I keep asking about her and hounding him, I'll just put more of a strain on things.. and he doesn't WANT to discuss her, he just wants to think about us and our future. He's been miserable without me and me without him. Help please :(
View related questions:
affair, best friend, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 I doubt that you were best friends when he strayed - that's why this all happened, he probably felt more emotionally close to somebody else. Why you neglected to provide each other the necessary emotional support during that time, only you can know: busy schedules perhaps, or caught in a bad routine (there is also a good routine), etc. But you can work on that NOW.The premises are good, there was a bit of straying, but you have been asked to work together at repairing the marriage. Your logic is good, you just have to make good use of it and apply it. If you know he didn't kiss you because he felt ill, stop those negative thoughts - just give him a blanket and a kiss and tell him you hope he is feeling better tomorrow. I'd understand why you would feel rejected if that was his usual mood around you, but this isn't the case, is it? Even if she rejected him, not the other way around, as someone says (which I wouldn't think is the case, from what you tell), you can still, if you think he deserves this, prove him that he has made the right choice by coming to you and that home is the best place to be, with a lovely wife (you).I'd also advise not to be curious about other details that can later haunt you more than you would wish. He could be reserved about certain details to not cause more infliction. You will have to be patient with each other and hopefully all goes well in the end.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Wow, thank you for all your advice everyone, especially Bitterblue.
Yes they talked about her messy relationship she'd previously had with her drug-addicted ex. I've asked him what he said about me. He looked shocked and insulted that I would even think he'd discuss our relationship. He said the only thing he'd mentioned was that we'd drifted. At the time it happened, we were referring to each other as best friends.. but I think he still should have been UP FRONT and HONEST if he had moved on, because I was still trying to make it work.
Now that we're trying to work through things though, all my suspicions and my paranoia is setting in, which sounds to be normal from what I've heard.. but I can see it's going to get in the way of us. I'm much more sensitive to rejection now.. for instance last night, I kissed him.. and he didn't really kiss back. He said he was tired and feeling sick. I felt absolutely rejected.. but I know that he WAS very sick.. but I turned it in on myself.. know what I mean?
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (14 April 2010):
Yes, that is pretty much how it starts, the two good friends making intimate confessions to each other about their messy love lives, in this case, she was in a bad relationship and you two had begun to become estranged from one another. Mix that with a bit of attraction between the two and an emotional affair is ready to begin. Thankfully, it wasn't more than that and you have found your way back to each other and are determined to work things out. What you say is very accurate, by mentioning her all the time it's you who are putting her between you, so let it go and try to forgive. It may be hard to do so, but it's the best way to start solving your marriage and have a low-stress life. Are you sure you are best friends? Do you know how to listen? Do you appreciate what he tells you or his trust in you, make him want to return with another story or open up to you again?You must control how suspicious you are because he shouldn't feel guilty and reassure you all the time. Ultimately if he sees his effort is never enough he will begin to close his heart and tip toe around so that he doesn't activate one of your insecurity moments. So don't make him feel guilty forever.I understand he has been reassuring you for a while and I'm sure it's not easy for him either. Instead, let him bring her up and you should feel happy(!) if he does and discusses his feelings and thoughts with you, it means he does place value on what you think and your comments, or simply as a person who listens with pleasure and without judgement, you can even tell him this, to encourage him to share his thoughts, opinions and feelings honestly on this and any matter. It could have been worse, but your hubby did do the responsible thing to recognise things might take a wrong turnure and so he put a 'stop! until here and no further' to the situation, it's great that he did. I am certain that if things had been great at home at that point, he would not have allowed himself to get into a position that hurt your marriage, he doesn't sound that type of man. Instead, in a desperate attempt to rescue your marriage, you may not see the simple solutions: just breathe, be happy he is willing to make it up to you and you are the one he loves, be KIND to each other, start showing trust even if you don't feel it, argue without bitterness or anger or fear, show love in different ways, etc etc. If your marriage is strong enough by itself, these little temptations won't matter, and remember he loves YOU. Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I wish I could help. I do check text messages, phone number and email. The only problem is I can not check his work email. If you want it to work I say do not check. Everytime I think of somewhere else to check I find something else that hurts. Tell him how you feel in a real heart to heart and tell him that you are going to need time to let this all go and if he really loves you he will understand.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 You are your worst enemy. You need to live in the present and forget about her. Don't let anything come in between you two.
Always think in the positive and develop a more positive attitude.
...............................
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (14 April 2010):
Well he would hardly say'Yes we have had sex in every position and she is hotter than you@ would he?You are correct for you two to continue she has to go! You must tell him again that this you and you cannot out up with him sharing his affections - as I am sure that is what he is doing?Why on earth would he have got involved with her, we men do these things fro a reason? Ask hime if he would like to have sex with her?This is eating you up - solution 'end it'!
...............................
|
